A Freakin' Teddy Bear (help me get over this)

[jyang913]

Hi, my name is Jeri I am 25 years old and I need some advice.

This is my first relationship ever and my boyfriend's third one. He obviously has a lot more experience than I do and I have a lot of juvenile feelings to get over. We met online. Keep in mind we have been in a really fulfilling relationship and March would be our 9 month together. We both love each other deeply, we make each other laugh, and we really understand each other. We get a long and we rarely ever argue, if we do it's usually because we can't seem to decide where to eat dinner that night. Everything is great.

Long story short we were talking on the phone a few nights ago and I jokingly said that I should show him pictures of the guys I use to talk to he was taken aback by it and said no, and asked why I still have pictures of them. Granted I've never met any of these people and they are all digital images.

When I first went over to his place he has a teddy bear handmade for him by his ex sitting next to his computer. My boyfriend is in IT so when he gets from work he spends a great amount of time on his computer. The bear bothered me but I never said anything because I thought he probably just forgot about it until that night we talked. He felt jealous that I still had pictures of these men I've never met yet he has a freakin' sentimental teddy bear sitting next to him that he sees every single day. Not to mention any of the things I give him are set to the side of his desk.

Am I just being juvenile here to feel threatened or jealous? Does he still hold sentimental values to his ex? The thing that really bothered me was when I brought it up that night he said to not talk about it, that it would just cause problem. If it didn't matter to him, why would he be so defensive? We argued again tonight about it and he said he's sorry and he should be more considerate and he will throw it out. But I don't want him to feel that he should because I wanted to talk about it...

It's really bothering me, help? Keep in mind I am pretty new to any of these feelings and relationships. Thanks.

[findingmyway]

I'm not too experienced with relationships, either, but I think this is something that needs to be talked over more. He didn't want to talk about it now, but perhaps approaching the subject again in a little bit? I would probably explain what you just explained here; perhaps he thinks that he is being accused of something by you mentioning the teddy bear. I'm sure it is a sensitive issue, but it sounds like it needs to be addressed in order that tension doesn't escalate further.
Oh, and welcome to the boards!

[jyang913]

Thanks for the warm welcome! Yeah I am going to see him tomorrow, I just need to get it off my chest tonight as he was out tonight so we couldn't talk much.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Big mistake.

The LAST thing a new bf wants to hear or see is anything to do with what or who you used to chat to online. Offering to show him pictures of who you used to lust over, I mean what did you expect his reaction to be?

It would be like showing him a shopping list of guys you wanted to date, and he would then be comparing himself to these guys, and end up undermining the whole relationship you have with him.

As for the teddy bear, do you compare yourself to a teddy bear, did you ever want to sleep with a teddy bear? I suspect the answer s no, which means you hit the nail on the head. Your being juvenile.

You have no right to come into his life, and 9 months later tell him to ditch some teddy bear because it bothers you, or offer to show him pictures of the guys you fancied before he met him.

I think a sit down and an apology are due here, and if you don't think so, then your being completely insensitive to the relationship.

ObW
X

Oh and to the form

[marshlander]

There are many things in this life that only you have the right and the ability to deal with. Whether you are in a relationship or not making demands of him will be counter-productive. You don't own him. You do own your feelings though and are responsible for what you do with them. If you value your relationship you will work on getting over your feelings about this teddy bear. If you let emotive responses rule, they will poison you and the relationship.

However, if your boyfriend has any sensitivity he will examine his attachment to this toy and do something about it, specially now he knows its presence upsets you. Since you haven't really talked about it you don't know why it means so much to him. Maybe it represents something more for him than just being a gift from a former lover.

Whatever you decide, it sounds like you realise it's a daft thing to fall out over.

Good luck.

[jyang913]

@OldButWiser: I know what I did was juvenile. There are a lot of things that I've yet to learn because unlike straight people, I didn't have the chance to experience these feelings at a young age and I am currently trying to catch up and once I get in and out of a relationship I would hope that it would have helped me grow out of these childish thoughts.

However, I'll have to disagree with you on the teddy bear. I am no way comparing myself to a teddy bear, he's not having sex with it. What bothers me is the sentimental value that can be attached to such a gift, and it being set in plain site for him to see and remind himself of what was each and every day. I mean sure a jacket or a t-shirt I can understand but it's a sentimental item.

@marshlander: We're having lunch tomorrow to discuss it, I am sure we'll be fine as we tend to give the benefit of the doubt to each other.

Again, I am just bothered by it because the night ended on a bad note. However, talking has help us get through issues in the past before.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

[Pix]

Me, personally, I wouldn't mind having a lover speak of past lovers, as I'm curious about people I'd probably ask. It would help me get to know her better anyway (and clues on what to expect, what to do and not to do, etc). It could also let me know if the relationship as lovers is truly over or not or if there's lingering desire to note. 'Course sharing and obsessing are two different things. ETA: wait, now that I've had some sleep I see you weren't talking about past loves but about people you chatted on some app. That makes no sense to me, I don't know why you still have them or why you'd tell him. If someone did that to me I'd be baffled at best, and could possibly interpret that as "if things don't get better I'm looking for greener pastures."

I wouldn't mind a teddy bear or other gift given by a past lover being kept by my partner or SO. I like when someone can end a relationship without being all bitter about it, it shows maturity and resilience. They're souvenirs in my book, similar to pix, and certainly not anything like a wedding ring. If someone ordered me to get rid of something, I don't know if I would, and even if I did I'd see the person who made such a demand as being flawed rather than my keeping it.

It could be I'm not prone to jealousy, or it could be I'm not fooled by appearances. What's seen or not seen does not reflect who a person really is, at least not necessarily so. Even if your SO ditches the teddy bear the sentiment will remain...in addition to possible long term resentment against you (and wondering what demands might come next) over having to get rid of it, resentment than can simmer and explode later and make him feel entitled to make demands of his own. Ironically, that could get him to think more on the one who gave it to him than leaving the teddy bear alone.

[partis]

I too have a teddy bear that has sentimental value, ok its a rat bear, ok its a rat, its roland rat and if anyone ever touched my rat id break there arms.

Yeah i think you offering to show your photos of guys you chat too, kind of naive, considering how touchy most people are, even if your never planning to meet them.

[Ryocchi]

Big mistake.

The LAST thing a new bf wants to hear or see is anything to do with what or who you used to chat to online. Offering to show him pictures of who you used to lust over, I mean what did you expect his reaction to be?

It would be like showing him a shopping list of guys you wanted to date, and he would then be comparing himself to these guys, and end up undermining the whole relationship you have with him.

As for the teddy bear, do you compare yourself to a teddy bear, did you ever want to sleep with a teddy bear? I suspect the answer s no, which means you hit the nail on the head. Your being juvenile.

You have no right to come into his life, and 9 months later tell him to ditch some teddy bear because it bothers you, or offer to show him pictures of the guys you fancied before he met him.

I think a sit down and an apology are due here, and if you don't think so, then your being completely insensitive to the relationship.

ObW
X

Oh and to the form

I don't agree with you at all.

First, he said that in a joking manner which for me means that all those guys mean nothing to him now, probably the thought of deleting the pics didn't cross his mind because they are not important to him now, otherwise he would never have brought them on conversation, yet this teddy is important holds history and the op has to see it everytime he goes to his boyfriend's house, yet the op was mature enough to say the past is the past, so it's a bit of hypocrisy to get jealous and mad of pictures that i'm almost completely sure the op deleted by now compared to having this bear so close to him, I agree there's an apology needed, but it has to come from the boyfriend, not the op.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You said Jokingly, then took it all super serious and have no turned this into an issue with his ex and the teddy bear....

Perhaps you should leave the joking to the comedians and stick with your day job?


Look the obvious thing here is that images of dudes you lusted after is not the same thing as a teddy bear. In fact that you can make this leap in your mind tells me you have jealousy issues and I fear that this relationship is heading full steam into coastal waters, where there are lots and lots of rocks to beach it on.

And you don't know what the real sentimental value is with that Bear.

look your partner had a past, and that is where that should be kept. No you do not get to know every intimate detail of his past, he is not obligated to tell you everything. Yes he is allowed to keep mementos from his past - regardless of who they come from or what they mean.

Yes he still loves his ex - no not totally, not completely, but his ex is a part of him and will be for the rest of his life, just like every one of my 6 exes are (good and bad) a part of who I am and I carry them with me forever and ever and ever. This is all part of the human experience, good, bad and indifferent - we all carry our exes with us.

And furthermore, he doesn't love you the way he loved his ex. Sure he may say he does, but the reality is he can't possibly love you that way. What he and the ex had was between them and only them, what you and he have is between you two and no one else will ever share in that.

Half the problem with people who have one relationship then can't seem to get really in love with other people is because they confuse the issues by thinking that being in love is exactly the same with everyone. Its not. It is different because you are with someone different.

Comparing the bear to images of dudes you talked to is wrong, on so many levels it isn't funny. Offering to show images of dudes you could have potentially fucked to your partner is wrong, just wrong on so many levels. It is not funny, it is not a joke - its something that normal people just don't wanna do because its like me telling you to sit there and picture your parents having sex - you know all the penis insertive vagina that your dad did to your mom to have you....

See - I went there, it was wrong, now you are sick to your stomach, or screaming at the computer monitor NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

There are things we just don't talk about - ever... Who you talked to and have pictures of, who you potentially could have fucked/lusted over whatever - no.... just NO.