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Brother is ashamed of me being gay
#11
You're in the wrong.

Yeah I know, a gay man telling another gay man to stop doing those PDA's and butch it up and a few other not so nice things I'm going to expound upon shortly may not seem 'right', however I think we all know the world we live in is harsh and cruel, and your brother is living in YOUR shadow.

Stereotype Alert!:

Male Dancers are all GAY! Must be true I was able to provide a link.

Or has the modern 21st century world decided its OK for a dude to dance on stage without being ridiculed and having his sexuality questioned?

I mean its fine to get drunk or loaded and break a groove on the dance floor, but any dude who gets up on a stage and dances for an audience - because he LIKES it - totally gay.... Totally.

If he has been subject to even an ounce of 'You're a F....t!' over that dancing thing, he is going to have a hard time accepting a openly gay brother at these dances because clearly if you are so is he.

Yes that is the simple logic here, Come on, you are 20 years closer to high school than me - think about how the minds of the teens operate. The simple formula for homosexuality in siblings is that if your older brother is a fag that means you're a fag.


And why do we refrain from kissing in public, holding hands, and the like? Because like or or not people are going to hate on you and in your case, you have a little brother who is down hill when the shit rolls. Thus they will hate on him.

So you may not be the one who has punk kids coming up to you and calling you a sissy faggot - but rest assured he is.

And he hinted at that, after all what did he say happened?

"...all my friends are laughing at me because of you,...."

Ok so it wasn't a hint, he came right out and told you what happened.

You're response? "Oh my brother hates me and I don't understand why, woes me, I'm such the victim here!"

No, in this instance there was a victim and it was him, not you. He got the ration of shit for YOUR BEHAVIORS - he is the one that was punished by his peers because you decided you have to be this openly gay man and push the envelope and do PDA's and all of that crap because its your right to be a homosexual...

Sure, if your actions are not ending up getting others punished, go for it....

Its nice you are all comfortable about you're sexuality and what not, and have ten years of adulthood on him and long out of high school when guys picked on you, screamed or whispered nasty things about you. He isn't.

Another thing: You're his big brother - hate to tell you this but your role in life was cast as his hero the moment he was born. No one looks at pansy and thinks hero, everyone looks for superman. Sorry, the mind is hardwired for superheros, this is why human history is littered with heroes - real and imagined, Gods, and Giants and all of the wonderful 'supermen' who never existed. Please to note that every male hero every written about in myth and legend (and even in reality) is identified as decidedly masculine with testosterone oozing out of every pore.

Yes the human mind is a terrible place to venture into, but this is how the human mind works when it comes to heroes. You kinda broke a promise you didn't know you made. You failed to be a superhero.... Sorry.

I was devastated when my older brother came out of the closet. To be fair that didn't end well, after all he was thrown out of the house... so that may have been part of the whole 'Oh Jesus Christ my world has just ended' sensation I was going through. And I do have to admit he went from football jock to swishing, lisping, short, short cut off wearing queen literally over night (when he came out the door exploded off his closet).

It had a profound impact on my own sexuality, and how I express myself in life. Whilst he got to be the nelly queen I constantly butched it up, took on the role of the strong, silent type. I wouldn't even come to acknowledge I was a homosexual for 12 years - He came out when he was 16, I didn't come out until I was 24 - I didn't even have sex until I was 24.

Yeah I know, the world of the 1980's was much different than the world now. We no longer punish gays for being gay with baseball bats. Or nearly kill them and hang them on a fence to die.... or.....

Hmm. Your brother lives in a very violent world - you maybe not.

I have no idea when you came out to him, or how you went about it. I have no idea what you were like when you were still in your closet, but perhaps you sent this message that you were the archetypical male that he struggled to be like, then you up and decided to blow the whole thing out of the water and become a 'sissy girl'.

You might have broke his heart, broke his illusions about you and he is struggling with that on top of being a dancer (and called a fag over THAT).

Lastly, consider the following:

Quote:Homophobic? Maybe You’re Gay

One theory is that homosexual urges, when repressed out of shame or fear, can be expressed as homophobia. Freud famously called this process a “reaction formation” — the angry battle against the outward symbol of feelings that are inwardly being stifled. Even Mr. Haggard seemed to endorse this idea when, apologizing after his scandal for his anti-gay rhetoric, he said, “I think I was partially so vehement because of my own war.”

It’s a compelling theory — and now there is scientific reason to believe it. In this month’s issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, we and our fellow researchers provide empirical evidence that homophobia can result, at least in part, from the suppression of same-sex desire.
Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/opinio....html?_r=0

Maybe your little brother is following in the shoes of his big brother in ways you haven't considered, but unlike you he ain't able to reconcile it. He is a dancer after all and surely he gets enough shit for that to keep him deep in the closet.

When I came out to my brother you could have knocked him over with a feather. Understand he went the whole nelly queen route, I went the 'masculine, quiet. reserved/conservative-ish route. Its pretty sad when you realize you are so straight acting that your own gay brother kinda flat denied you could possibly be gay when you came out to him....


Look, you are the older and by virtue of having a decade on him, the 'wiser'.

He is opposite of you, tough, strong, masculine or as you put it:

Quote:He's very independent, harsh, if it's necessary, very direct in his words and actions.

Ever think he is over compensating, perhaps because while you live in this great liberal town clearly if his friends are willing and able to make comments about you and your partner swapping spit at the dance maybe its not as liberal as you think.

Maybe the shock of you coming out shut him down in many ways, perhaps he is trying to find his masculinity after his role model kinda turned the tables around, maybe he is struggling with his own sexuality and you ain't helping by clearly being so easy with being laughed at and threatened with beating and all of that which YOU may not have being said to YOUR face, but he is getting in his.

They didn't scream 'Faggot!' at you, but they definitely made it clear what they thought and felt about the two faggots swapping spit. I got a gut feeling that that happens a hell of a lot more to him than you realize and you have been blissfully unaware how your homosexuality has had an impact on his life.

Again, I was your little brother, I got a ration of shit for my brother's homosexuality which did absolutely nothing to help me to come to terms with my own sexuality. Of course my mother wasn't that accepting, but she actually blamed ME for his homosexuality... See people don't think sanely, in fact thinking insanely is par for the course when it comes to humans and sexuality. It is a sick world, you may not notice but I assure you, your brother does.

People are cruel, the innocent get punished more than we like.

Seriously. YOU need to apologize to him. Yeah yeah yeah - I know, the straights do it all the time and no one minds.... Well you ain't straight, the world is full of homophobic reactions, and while the LGBT have come a long way, we have a lot further to go when the day comes when one an have PDA's with their same gender partner with no one cracking a mean joke, or punishing their sibling for it.

Look, I really, really hope that your brother is not a gay man suffering in a closet built of the iron hatred he has experienced because you are gay. I hope that his issue is only that he has been bullied and harassed to the point where he wishes you will consider HIS feelings, HIS needs and kinds of try to act more straight around public places so he doesn't have to listen helplessly to his peers make fun of you.

It hurts - a lot, when people make fun of your brother. Especially if there is a gang of them and only one of you and you don't have a baseball bat to take to their collective heads to make them shut the fuck up.

There is a lot more going on in this situation. Yeah yeah I know you have feelings - man up Mary, you are the adult, and he is the the child and he is trying to express how bad it feels to be where he is when you do __________________(fill in the blank).

Yeah, he was mean about it, he most likely was terribly embarrassed, terribly hurt and feeling utterly powerless when he said that shit. He lashed out - that is what humans do.

He has feelings to, and since you are the older brother, its up to you to protect him - not the other way around.

And don't let his demeanor fool you into thinking he has got his life together and can handle every bad thing that comes down the pike, chances are very high here that these behaviors, these 'differences' you see in him are a result of his trying to protect himself. He is most likely a very scared little boy dealing with issues he doesn't know how to deal with. He may act all tough and stoic and crap - but most guys who act that way, really ain't that way - its a facade, a self defense mechanism - most are actually terrified on the inside, uncertain, feeling powerless, feeling like they are on the long losing end of a long battle that will never end.
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#12
I really feel for you and am so sorry you were treated that way.
That being said you need to sit your brother down and have a good talk to him about his behaviour.
Tell him how much he hurt you he needs to understand that being there for each other is a two way street.

I really think he was acting like a brat he needs pulling back into line.
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#13
The crap thing is he will know in about 5 years time ish that he completely upset the only people. Who love him the most
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#14
Mmmm. I read the OP's story twice, and I have a rather different opinion to most of the responses on here, so apologies in advance to anyone who is going to be offended by my response.

I actually think your in the wrong, and both you and your bf were insensitive not only to your brother but to your surroundings and the people around you.

Look at your opening statement:

Quote:I'm out to my friends and family - my mother, father and younger brother, he's 17. I don't think he has ever been very supportive about his big brother being gay. My mum and dad were very accepting when I told them I'm gay, but when I told it to my brother, he just shrugged and was like "do what you want with your own life

So, despite the fact that you already knew your brother was not entirely comfortable with your sexuality, you decided to put on a show of public affection with your bf, right there in front of him and all his friends.

Just what reaction were you expecting to get?

Quote:Since I'm openly gay, I usually do not hide my feelings to my boyfriend. It feels completely normal to me to hold his hand or shoulders or to kiss him in public. I just think that if straight people can kiss their girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives, why can't I kiss my beloved? And to be honest, people usually don't pay big attention to it, we're living in quite liberal country

I don't know you, and i don't know what "liberal country" your living in, but you are being extremely naive if you think that its ok to put on public displays of your affection wherever and whenever you wish. Don't get me wrong I wish it were, I wish it didn't matter, but reality check here, it does, and it certainly did for your brother.

Quote:Anyway it hurt a lot. I couldn't even really enjoy the show as my mood was completely down and I couldn't think about anything else except that my brother is ashamed of me. I would've never thought he could say something like that to me. He's my only sibling and he knows I love him very much. I'm not even angry at him, I'm just hurt. We haven't talked since that evening. My boyfriend is trying to comfort me, but all the time I feel like I've lost something very valuable. We had good relationships before, but now I don't even know what will be. I've thought about calling him, but would it be worth it?

Here's you problem right here. This is not all about you.

Have you given one thought about how your brother feels in all this, about how humiliated he's been made to feel by his school friends. He's a teenager for god sake, and now he's surrounded by other teenagers who may be giving him a hard time because of his gay brother.

Have you ever sat him down, just the two of you, and discussed your sexuality with him?

Have you ever taken time out to have that brother to brother talk? You know, the one were you explain to him what it means to be gay, how its not a choice, how you need his support and understanding, and where you actually ASK him if he's ok with it or if he has any questions?

You know maybe he's just scared and confused - not that unusual for teenagers. His chosen passion, dance, is not exactly overflowing with stereotypical straight guys. Perhaps he's now worried that others will begin to look at him differently, now they all know he has a gay brother. Crazy? Maybe, but its how teenagers think these days.

Quote:He's my only sibling and he knows I love him very much

Does he, or are you just assuming he does because your his big brother?

My advice to you is simple. Reach out to him and apologise. Get some 1-2-1 face time, sit him down and have that overdue conversation.

He is your only sibling, and you both need each other.

ObW
X
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#15
You are bothered cause you love your brother so much... And you want to receive the same care and value you are giving him... So i cant really blame you for being too affected with regards to your brother not being able to accept your sexuality....

However, he's just 17. Too young to ponder on important issues in life....

It will be a process of acceptance, and for sure not an instant one.

Just stay loving and caring, show him he has nothing to be ashamed of having a brother like you Smile
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#16
For the most part I agree with Bowyn. While there's obviously nothing wrong with you showing your bf affection, your brother IS 17, and he's clearly still in that phase where he cares about what others think of him. Were his words childish and rude? Yeah. Will he probably regret them later? Sure. But that doesn't change the fact that you did unintentionally embarrass him, and because of it, he's probably getting made fun of by a group of his douche bag peer "friends" who are only helping to promote homophobia by their intolerance.

Yeah, it isn't fair that you or your brother have to be put in the position you are, but that's just how the world is right now. My personal suggestion would be to simply apologize for embarrassing him, and the next time you go to one of his dances, tone it down. I know that probably sounds completely wrong.. and if this were anyone else who had a problem, I'd tell them to go fuck themselves, but he is your younger brother, and you have to look out for him.
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#17
I think it best you try not let it bother you.

Talk to him about it, tell him you're sorry it embarrassed him, but that you did nothing wrong; his friends are being dicks and he needs to learn to ignore them.

I don't think he meant what he said, he's just venting the emotional pain of being bullied on to you.
No one likes being picked on.

Alternatively, you could have words with his friends, but that could backfire.

I must admit though, it's not easy to stand up to peers when you're outnumbered and want friends.
So try not think bad of him over this.
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#18
Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:... I mean its fine to get drunk or loaded and break a groove on the dance floor, but any dude who gets up on a stage and dances for an audience - because he LIKES it - totally gay.... Totally. ...
Point of order (and yes I am aware that you are probably exaggerating for effect Rolleyes ) ... whatever stereotypes we like to perpetuate about dancers probably don't apply. The OP mentioned his brother was part of a folk dance group. I have been involved with folk and traditional dance most of my life and that world is where I earn a significant portion of my living now. As a gay man I am VERY much in a minority. I realise the culture may be different wherever the OP calls home, but throughout Europe, as well as in Punjabi and African traditional dance cultures (with which I also have some familiarity), I have first hand knowledge that the stereotypes do not apply.

Just saying. :dance3:
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#19
Yes I was exaggerating for effect. I always exaggerate for affect, or to inflate what little ego I have - either way it tends to work....
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#20
"Or has the modern 21st century world decided its OK for a dude to dance on stage without being ridiculed and having his sexuality questioned?

I mean its fine to get drunk or loaded and break a groove on the dance floor, but any dude who gets up on a stage and dances for an audience - because he LIKES it - totally gay.... Totally."

I don't think there's a problem with him being a dancer. He's not dancing ballet or something that's usually associated with gay. I don't know about the USA, but at least in country where I live, folk dances are very common thing for both genders, lots of guys of all ages are dancing them. I've never heard a folk dancer considered to be gay.

No, I've never discussed my sexuality with him, but mostly because he never wanted to. We had good relationships, I wouldn't say they were better when I was in the closet. It was not like he trusted me completely and I guess you cannot ask that from a teenager, but he respected me.

I'm ready to apologize to him, but I just don't know what to say. "Sorry that I kissed during your show?"
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