Brother is ashamed of me being gay
02-23-2014, 12:49 AM
You're in the wrong.
Yeah I know, a gay man telling another gay man to stop doing those PDA's and butch it up and a few other not so nice things I'm going to expound upon shortly may not seem 'right', however I think we all know the world we live in is harsh and cruel, and your brother is living in YOUR shadow.
Stereotype Alert!:
Male Dancers are all GAY! Must be true I was able to provide a link.
Or has the modern 21st century world decided its OK for a dude to dance on stage without being ridiculed and having his sexuality questioned?
I mean its fine to get drunk or loaded and break a groove on the dance floor, but any dude who gets up on a stage and dances for an audience - because he LIKES it - totally gay.... Totally.
If he has been subject to even an ounce of 'You're a F....t!' over that dancing thing, he is going to have a hard time accepting a openly gay brother at these dances because clearly if you are so is he.
Yes that is the simple logic here, Come on, you are 20 years closer to high school than me - think about how the minds of the teens operate. The simple formula for homosexuality in siblings is that if your older brother is a fag that means you're a fag.
And why do we refrain from kissing in public, holding hands, and the like? Because like or or not people are going to hate on you and in your case, you have a little brother who is down hill when the shit rolls. Thus they will hate on him.
So you may not be the one who has punk kids coming up to you and calling you a sissy faggot - but rest assured he is.
And he hinted at that, after all what did he say happened?
"...all my friends are laughing at me because of you,...."
Ok so it wasn't a hint, he came right out and told you what happened.
You're response? "Oh my brother hates me and I don't understand why, woes me, I'm such the victim here!"
No, in this instance there was a victim and it was him, not you. He got the ration of shit for YOUR BEHAVIORS - he is the one that was punished by his peers because you decided you have to be this openly gay man and push the envelope and do PDA's and all of that crap because its your right to be a homosexual...
Sure, if your actions are not ending up getting others punished, go for it....
Its nice you are all comfortable about you're sexuality and what not, and have ten years of adulthood on him and long out of high school when guys picked on you, screamed or whispered nasty things about you. He isn't.
Another thing: You're his big brother - hate to tell you this but your role in life was cast as his hero the moment he was born. No one looks at pansy and thinks hero, everyone looks for superman. Sorry, the mind is hardwired for superheros, this is why human history is littered with heroes - real and imagined, Gods, and Giants and all of the wonderful 'supermen' who never existed. Please to note that every male hero every written about in myth and legend (and even in reality) is identified as decidedly masculine with testosterone oozing out of every pore.
Yes the human mind is a terrible place to venture into, but this is how the human mind works when it comes to heroes. You kinda broke a promise you didn't know you made. You failed to be a superhero.... Sorry.
I was devastated when my older brother came out of the closet. To be fair that didn't end well, after all he was thrown out of the house... so that may have been part of the whole 'Oh Jesus Christ my world has just ended' sensation I was going through. And I do have to admit he went from football jock to swishing, lisping, short, short cut off wearing queen literally over night (when he came out the door exploded off his closet).
It had a profound impact on my own sexuality, and how I express myself in life. Whilst he got to be the nelly queen I constantly butched it up, took on the role of the strong, silent type. I wouldn't even come to acknowledge I was a homosexual for 12 years - He came out when he was 16, I didn't come out until I was 24 - I didn't even have sex until I was 24.
Yeah I know, the world of the 1980's was much different than the world now. We no longer punish gays for being gay with baseball bats. Or nearly kill them and hang them on a fence to die.... or.....
Hmm. Your brother lives in a very violent world - you maybe not.
I have no idea when you came out to him, or how you went about it. I have no idea what you were like when you were still in your closet, but perhaps you sent this message that you were the archetypical male that he struggled to be like, then you up and decided to blow the whole thing out of the water and become a 'sissy girl'.
You might have broke his heart, broke his illusions about you and he is struggling with that on top of being a dancer (and called a fag over THAT).
Lastly, consider the following:
Maybe your little brother is following in the shoes of his big brother in ways you haven't considered, but unlike you he ain't able to reconcile it. He is a dancer after all and surely he gets enough shit for that to keep him deep in the closet.
When I came out to my brother you could have knocked him over with a feather. Understand he went the whole nelly queen route, I went the 'masculine, quiet. reserved/conservative-ish route. Its pretty sad when you realize you are so straight acting that your own gay brother kinda flat denied you could possibly be gay when you came out to him....
Look, you are the older and by virtue of having a decade on him, the 'wiser'.
He is opposite of you, tough, strong, masculine or as you put it:
Ever think he is over compensating, perhaps because while you live in this great liberal town clearly if his friends are willing and able to make comments about you and your partner swapping spit at the dance maybe its not as liberal as you think.
Maybe the shock of you coming out shut him down in many ways, perhaps he is trying to find his masculinity after his role model kinda turned the tables around, maybe he is struggling with his own sexuality and you ain't helping by clearly being so easy with being laughed at and threatened with beating and all of that which YOU may not have being said to YOUR face, but he is getting in his.
They didn't scream 'Faggot!' at you, but they definitely made it clear what they thought and felt about the two faggots swapping spit. I got a gut feeling that that happens a hell of a lot more to him than you realize and you have been blissfully unaware how your homosexuality has had an impact on his life.
Again, I was your little brother, I got a ration of shit for my brother's homosexuality which did absolutely nothing to help me to come to terms with my own sexuality. Of course my mother wasn't that accepting, but she actually blamed ME for his homosexuality... See people don't think sanely, in fact thinking insanely is par for the course when it comes to humans and sexuality. It is a sick world, you may not notice but I assure you, your brother does.
People are cruel, the innocent get punished more than we like.
Seriously. YOU need to apologize to him. Yeah yeah yeah - I know, the straights do it all the time and no one minds.... Well you ain't straight, the world is full of homophobic reactions, and while the LGBT have come a long way, we have a lot further to go when the day comes when one an have PDA's with their same gender partner with no one cracking a mean joke, or punishing their sibling for it.
Look, I really, really hope that your brother is not a gay man suffering in a closet built of the iron hatred he has experienced because you are gay. I hope that his issue is only that he has been bullied and harassed to the point where he wishes you will consider HIS feelings, HIS needs and kinds of try to act more straight around public places so he doesn't have to listen helplessly to his peers make fun of you.
It hurts - a lot, when people make fun of your brother. Especially if there is a gang of them and only one of you and you don't have a baseball bat to take to their collective heads to make them shut the fuck up.
There is a lot more going on in this situation. Yeah yeah I know you have feelings - man up Mary, you are the adult, and he is the the child and he is trying to express how bad it feels to be where he is when you do __________________(fill in the blank).
Yeah, he was mean about it, he most likely was terribly embarrassed, terribly hurt and feeling utterly powerless when he said that shit. He lashed out - that is what humans do.
He has feelings to, and since you are the older brother, its up to you to protect him - not the other way around.
And don't let his demeanor fool you into thinking he has got his life together and can handle every bad thing that comes down the pike, chances are very high here that these behaviors, these 'differences' you see in him are a result of his trying to protect himself. He is most likely a very scared little boy dealing with issues he doesn't know how to deal with. He may act all tough and stoic and crap - but most guys who act that way, really ain't that way - its a facade, a self defense mechanism - most are actually terrified on the inside, uncertain, feeling powerless, feeling like they are on the long losing end of a long battle that will never end.
Yeah I know, a gay man telling another gay man to stop doing those PDA's and butch it up and a few other not so nice things I'm going to expound upon shortly may not seem 'right', however I think we all know the world we live in is harsh and cruel, and your brother is living in YOUR shadow.
Stereotype Alert!:
Male Dancers are all GAY! Must be true I was able to provide a link.
Or has the modern 21st century world decided its OK for a dude to dance on stage without being ridiculed and having his sexuality questioned?
I mean its fine to get drunk or loaded and break a groove on the dance floor, but any dude who gets up on a stage and dances for an audience - because he LIKES it - totally gay.... Totally.
If he has been subject to even an ounce of 'You're a F....t!' over that dancing thing, he is going to have a hard time accepting a openly gay brother at these dances because clearly if you are so is he.
Yes that is the simple logic here, Come on, you are 20 years closer to high school than me - think about how the minds of the teens operate. The simple formula for homosexuality in siblings is that if your older brother is a fag that means you're a fag.
And why do we refrain from kissing in public, holding hands, and the like? Because like or or not people are going to hate on you and in your case, you have a little brother who is down hill when the shit rolls. Thus they will hate on him.
So you may not be the one who has punk kids coming up to you and calling you a sissy faggot - but rest assured he is.
And he hinted at that, after all what did he say happened?
"...all my friends are laughing at me because of you,...."
Ok so it wasn't a hint, he came right out and told you what happened.
You're response? "Oh my brother hates me and I don't understand why, woes me, I'm such the victim here!"
No, in this instance there was a victim and it was him, not you. He got the ration of shit for YOUR BEHAVIORS - he is the one that was punished by his peers because you decided you have to be this openly gay man and push the envelope and do PDA's and all of that crap because its your right to be a homosexual...
Sure, if your actions are not ending up getting others punished, go for it....
Its nice you are all comfortable about you're sexuality and what not, and have ten years of adulthood on him and long out of high school when guys picked on you, screamed or whispered nasty things about you. He isn't.
Another thing: You're his big brother - hate to tell you this but your role in life was cast as his hero the moment he was born. No one looks at pansy and thinks hero, everyone looks for superman. Sorry, the mind is hardwired for superheros, this is why human history is littered with heroes - real and imagined, Gods, and Giants and all of the wonderful 'supermen' who never existed. Please to note that every male hero every written about in myth and legend (and even in reality) is identified as decidedly masculine with testosterone oozing out of every pore.
Yes the human mind is a terrible place to venture into, but this is how the human mind works when it comes to heroes. You kinda broke a promise you didn't know you made. You failed to be a superhero.... Sorry.
I was devastated when my older brother came out of the closet. To be fair that didn't end well, after all he was thrown out of the house... so that may have been part of the whole 'Oh Jesus Christ my world has just ended' sensation I was going through. And I do have to admit he went from football jock to swishing, lisping, short, short cut off wearing queen literally over night (when he came out the door exploded off his closet).
It had a profound impact on my own sexuality, and how I express myself in life. Whilst he got to be the nelly queen I constantly butched it up, took on the role of the strong, silent type. I wouldn't even come to acknowledge I was a homosexual for 12 years - He came out when he was 16, I didn't come out until I was 24 - I didn't even have sex until I was 24.
Yeah I know, the world of the 1980's was much different than the world now. We no longer punish gays for being gay with baseball bats. Or nearly kill them and hang them on a fence to die.... or.....
Hmm. Your brother lives in a very violent world - you maybe not.
I have no idea when you came out to him, or how you went about it. I have no idea what you were like when you were still in your closet, but perhaps you sent this message that you were the archetypical male that he struggled to be like, then you up and decided to blow the whole thing out of the water and become a 'sissy girl'.
You might have broke his heart, broke his illusions about you and he is struggling with that on top of being a dancer (and called a fag over THAT).
Lastly, consider the following:
Quote:Homophobic? Maybe You’re GaySource: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/opinio....html?_r=0
One theory is that homosexual urges, when repressed out of shame or fear, can be expressed as homophobia. Freud famously called this process a “reaction formation” — the angry battle against the outward symbol of feelings that are inwardly being stifled. Even Mr. Haggard seemed to endorse this idea when, apologizing after his scandal for his anti-gay rhetoric, he said, “I think I was partially so vehement because of my own war.”
It’s a compelling theory — and now there is scientific reason to believe it. In this month’s issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, we and our fellow researchers provide empirical evidence that homophobia can result, at least in part, from the suppression of same-sex desire.
Maybe your little brother is following in the shoes of his big brother in ways you haven't considered, but unlike you he ain't able to reconcile it. He is a dancer after all and surely he gets enough shit for that to keep him deep in the closet.
When I came out to my brother you could have knocked him over with a feather. Understand he went the whole nelly queen route, I went the 'masculine, quiet. reserved/conservative-ish route. Its pretty sad when you realize you are so straight acting that your own gay brother kinda flat denied you could possibly be gay when you came out to him....
Look, you are the older and by virtue of having a decade on him, the 'wiser'.
He is opposite of you, tough, strong, masculine or as you put it:
Quote:He's very independent, harsh, if it's necessary, very direct in his words and actions.
Ever think he is over compensating, perhaps because while you live in this great liberal town clearly if his friends are willing and able to make comments about you and your partner swapping spit at the dance maybe its not as liberal as you think.
Maybe the shock of you coming out shut him down in many ways, perhaps he is trying to find his masculinity after his role model kinda turned the tables around, maybe he is struggling with his own sexuality and you ain't helping by clearly being so easy with being laughed at and threatened with beating and all of that which YOU may not have being said to YOUR face, but he is getting in his.
They didn't scream 'Faggot!' at you, but they definitely made it clear what they thought and felt about the two faggots swapping spit. I got a gut feeling that that happens a hell of a lot more to him than you realize and you have been blissfully unaware how your homosexuality has had an impact on his life.
Again, I was your little brother, I got a ration of shit for my brother's homosexuality which did absolutely nothing to help me to come to terms with my own sexuality. Of course my mother wasn't that accepting, but she actually blamed ME for his homosexuality... See people don't think sanely, in fact thinking insanely is par for the course when it comes to humans and sexuality. It is a sick world, you may not notice but I assure you, your brother does.
People are cruel, the innocent get punished more than we like.
Seriously. YOU need to apologize to him. Yeah yeah yeah - I know, the straights do it all the time and no one minds.... Well you ain't straight, the world is full of homophobic reactions, and while the LGBT have come a long way, we have a lot further to go when the day comes when one an have PDA's with their same gender partner with no one cracking a mean joke, or punishing their sibling for it.
Look, I really, really hope that your brother is not a gay man suffering in a closet built of the iron hatred he has experienced because you are gay. I hope that his issue is only that he has been bullied and harassed to the point where he wishes you will consider HIS feelings, HIS needs and kinds of try to act more straight around public places so he doesn't have to listen helplessly to his peers make fun of you.
It hurts - a lot, when people make fun of your brother. Especially if there is a gang of them and only one of you and you don't have a baseball bat to take to their collective heads to make them shut the fuck up.
There is a lot more going on in this situation. Yeah yeah I know you have feelings - man up Mary, you are the adult, and he is the the child and he is trying to express how bad it feels to be where he is when you do __________________(fill in the blank).
Yeah, he was mean about it, he most likely was terribly embarrassed, terribly hurt and feeling utterly powerless when he said that shit. He lashed out - that is what humans do.
He has feelings to, and since you are the older brother, its up to you to protect him - not the other way around.
And don't let his demeanor fool you into thinking he has got his life together and can handle every bad thing that comes down the pike, chances are very high here that these behaviors, these 'differences' you see in him are a result of his trying to protect himself. He is most likely a very scared little boy dealing with issues he doesn't know how to deal with. He may act all tough and stoic and crap - but most guys who act that way, really ain't that way - its a facade, a self defense mechanism - most are actually terrified on the inside, uncertain, feeling powerless, feeling like they are on the long losing end of a long battle that will never end.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Virgo
) ... whatever stereotypes we like to perpetuate about dancers probably don't apply. The OP mentioned his brother was part of a folk dance group. I have been involved with folk and traditional dance most of my life and that world is where I earn a significant portion of my living now. As a gay man I am VERY much in a minority. I realise the culture may be different wherever the OP calls home, but throughout Europe, as well as in Punjabi and African traditional dance cultures (with which I also have some familiarity), I have first hand knowledge that the stereotypes do not apply. 
