02-27-2014, 02:28 PM
I have never posted to a forum like this before, but I am in need of some perspective. If anyone replies, please don’t pass judgment on me or anyone involved. All I am asking is for some help with thinking things through and reading the signs that are in front of me.
I am a gay male in my early 30s. For the past nine years and change I have had the same partner. There have been a few rough patches, but we’ve managed to make it through. We are both educated professionals and work in stable jobs which have afforded us opportunities to travel, network and provide the things that we want and need. Generally our friends are either women or straight men. A lot of our hobbies and interests differ, but we have a couple of bigger ones that align.
Several weeks ago I changed companies to take a new opportunity. The job has been great so far. I am learning a lot of new things, it’s close by and the pay is better. Well, as it happened I met a new friend at my new company who happened to also be gay and have a partner. This friend and I started talking and have realized how much we have in common, which has made us grow pretty close. Our interests from childhood to now have been pretty similar, we like a lot of the same music and watch the same type of TV shows, etc. We are comfortable talking about everything from pop culture opinions to goals to family to our sex lives… or lack thereof.
Honestly, this is where things started to change. We discussed how both of our partners tend to be uninterested in sexual activity. If and when anything does actually happen, it’s not something that we enjoy and it feels more like a chore than an act of emotion. Well, my friend and I, who have become pretty close and open, decided to share ourselves physically as well… Honestly it has been a good match.
I have never done this before, and now I am overwhelmed with feelings that I don’t know how to interpret and understand let alone sort out. Both of us have talked with our respective partners about sex before, but it has not gone anywhere. There are other things that are bothering us as well, but things on the boyfriends’ sides are not changing. It feels like empty promises and lack of any action whatsoever.
To make things worse (I think?), my friend and I have talked about what would happen if we were both single right now. We’ve both flat out expressed interest and said we would get together if we were both single, and both agreed that friendship is all we can have at the moment since neither of us are available… yet we keep indulging in physical activity where we have found we are very compatible.
I’m am confused and lost. We have both flat-out said to each other that we are not happy with our partners the way things are. We also know that in the long-term to save our relationships we would have to confess what we have done to our boyfriends, and most likely sacrifice our friendship to fix our relationships. We have also both said to each other that the friendship we have built is important and that we don’t want to lose it.
We could both go on for a long time with the way things are, having this physical-and-emotional affair. But at the same time we have both stumbled upon another who is compatible physically, emotionally and in terms of interests, goals and drive. We know that what we have done is very, very wrong. We also know that even if we wanted to keep our relationships, confessions of our actions could lead to a break-up anyway.
So here is what I need some perspective on…
I am getting some clear signals of interest. I know that he would ideally not want to start a relationship in this fashion, but I also know that sometimes a healthy and honest relationship can come out of situations like this. What should I do? Should I talk to my friend and tell him that I really want to pursue something more and try to convince him that we can… Or should I walk away from this thing, and potentially our friendship?
Feeling lost,
Justin
I am a gay male in my early 30s. For the past nine years and change I have had the same partner. There have been a few rough patches, but we’ve managed to make it through. We are both educated professionals and work in stable jobs which have afforded us opportunities to travel, network and provide the things that we want and need. Generally our friends are either women or straight men. A lot of our hobbies and interests differ, but we have a couple of bigger ones that align.
Several weeks ago I changed companies to take a new opportunity. The job has been great so far. I am learning a lot of new things, it’s close by and the pay is better. Well, as it happened I met a new friend at my new company who happened to also be gay and have a partner. This friend and I started talking and have realized how much we have in common, which has made us grow pretty close. Our interests from childhood to now have been pretty similar, we like a lot of the same music and watch the same type of TV shows, etc. We are comfortable talking about everything from pop culture opinions to goals to family to our sex lives… or lack thereof.
Honestly, this is where things started to change. We discussed how both of our partners tend to be uninterested in sexual activity. If and when anything does actually happen, it’s not something that we enjoy and it feels more like a chore than an act of emotion. Well, my friend and I, who have become pretty close and open, decided to share ourselves physically as well… Honestly it has been a good match.
I have never done this before, and now I am overwhelmed with feelings that I don’t know how to interpret and understand let alone sort out. Both of us have talked with our respective partners about sex before, but it has not gone anywhere. There are other things that are bothering us as well, but things on the boyfriends’ sides are not changing. It feels like empty promises and lack of any action whatsoever.
To make things worse (I think?), my friend and I have talked about what would happen if we were both single right now. We’ve both flat out expressed interest and said we would get together if we were both single, and both agreed that friendship is all we can have at the moment since neither of us are available… yet we keep indulging in physical activity where we have found we are very compatible.
I’m am confused and lost. We have both flat-out said to each other that we are not happy with our partners the way things are. We also know that in the long-term to save our relationships we would have to confess what we have done to our boyfriends, and most likely sacrifice our friendship to fix our relationships. We have also both said to each other that the friendship we have built is important and that we don’t want to lose it.
We could both go on for a long time with the way things are, having this physical-and-emotional affair. But at the same time we have both stumbled upon another who is compatible physically, emotionally and in terms of interests, goals and drive. We know that what we have done is very, very wrong. We also know that even if we wanted to keep our relationships, confessions of our actions could lead to a break-up anyway.
So here is what I need some perspective on…
I am getting some clear signals of interest. I know that he would ideally not want to start a relationship in this fashion, but I also know that sometimes a healthy and honest relationship can come out of situations like this. What should I do? Should I talk to my friend and tell him that I really want to pursue something more and try to convince him that we can… Or should I walk away from this thing, and potentially our friendship?
Feeling lost,
Justin
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Capricorn
to the forum Justin.