Advice on separation anxiety / trust issues

[MisterTinkles]

I would NEVER date a college guy!

Their heads are in school. They have much more important stuff to be thinking of and doing, besides playing "boyfriend". They are trying to get through school with as little distraction as possible.

Its fine if you want to stay friends, but dont expect him to be falling for you while he is in school.

Do your thing, let him do his thing............go on your trip, send him a couple of post cards or whatever..........just wait till he graduates. Once he graduates and gets his life going, then he will have time for someone else.

You push him now, he will just leave you to your own devices.

[spongey]

Yeah, commitment issues are his main thing. He doesn't like PDA which I respect but he's told me that he thinks "All relationships eventually end so why even bother trying".

So I mean, it sounds crazy from the outside looking in..like - Why would I put myself through this? I'm cute, young, fit, have a successful job, and am fun and funny. I can totally find someone else (true, I can, anybody can really).

So why do it? Because I fell in love with the guy and I think love is worth fighting for no matter what. Yes I have my limits, and he's pushed me pretty close to the edge, but I feel things for him that I haven't felt for anybody in a long time.

Chances are it won't work out in the end, and it saddens me to even think that, and I'll look back and say "What was I thinking?". But right now all I want is to figure out how to make it work. When we're together we have a ton of fun and he's completely different than when we're apart. He surprises me with things, takes me on fun adventures, and is the only person I've been able to successfully fall asleep in the arms or. We work together, we fit.

I just have all these problems to get through

I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one.

[southbiochem]

Hmmm with the added info you've given us:

Seems to me he's not ready for a commitment, adding to the fact that his life is centered around himself right now, with college and work. Not that is bad, but certainly you and him are in different places. The amount of thigs on his back maybe too much already. I'm sure he cares for you but perhaps it's best to reconsider things..specially since you're going away.

I'm sorry it has to be this way. I do hope you have a happy ending

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Through the beginning of our relationship, he's done things to make it difficult. He has commitment issues and I don't want to be with anybody else except him. He has cheated on me and blamed feeling like he was getting too close to me and didn't want to hurt me in the long run.

It would appear then you already know the problem.

Understand things like commitment issues never really go away. Sure we learn coping skills and we learn how to hide it better, but 'go away' no its there and any little thing can trigger an episode. Its like most other mental/emotional health disorders, there are no cures, no fixes.

Commitment issues is a nice way to say 'he doesn't want to commit' but what you fail to realize (and most likely does as well) there was something that happened, an experience he had that made the whole commitment thing a scary or iffy idea. IDK, mom and dad have a horrible marriage? Did a past love royally screw him over at the end of the relationship? Heck was he abused as a kid in any way? Something happened something that made up his mind that relationships are a big no-no. and until he figures out what it that did that, he most likely will find it really hard to 'deal with' and cope with this issue.


oh and Also... I'm not concerned if you think you won't leave him. I said he may think you may leave him. Which may be feeding his reluctance to commit here... 5 months is a long time and may feel like a set up to getting his heart broken...

Yes I know you say that you won't leave him.

How many times have people made a promise to him, gave them their word then ended turning around breaking that promise? Surely you have had friends and others say stuff which later you came to learn they really didn't mean it.

Saying something only reached the intellectual part of the brain, actions hit the emotional part of the brain. His mind might be agreeing, but in his heart he may not believe... Experiences - whatever happened to him still affects him today.

And that is true of everyone.

[Rainbowmum]

You have been given some excellent advice and their is not much more I can add to it.
However I have to agree with BA I think he may be distancing himself .

Talk to him ,reassure him that you will not cheat on him.

[Letmar]

Dear Spongey, I think you already know what is going to happen but you are not ready to accept it just yet. At least that is what I gathered from the way you write about it all... the distance, the me time, the cheating to protect you, the commitment issues, the fatalistic approach to love...

It seems to me like you want him to be a man he isn't... or a man isn't just yet... as most people pointed out, he is in a sort of cocoon right now, many things will have changed by the time he graduates and gets his career started.

But that doesn't change the fact that you know you deserve the whole enchilada! The drums and trumpets, the jazz hands, the spot light... you know what I'm talking about, the romantic kiss under the rain, the furtive looks in the supermarket, him grabbing your back in the park... we all deserve that and more! (if that is what one wishes)

However, you must remember that we are all different, therefore each of us wants different things from life... that is why it's soooo special when you find someone who makes a perfect tangent with your life!

He doesn't seem to do that with yours though... please try to stop forcing it... use this imminent trip as an opportunity to grow, live the adventure, let life take you places for a change! It can't be all bad.