Overcome out and anxiety

[Chris]

Ok, so I have a problem but don't know exactly how to specify it so the text below probably sounds quite chaotic.

I think I have a kind of obsession which makes difficult for me to interact with people. I'm insecure and suspicious if someone doesn't know I'm gay so even if I barely know other person I immediately try to confess it.

But it makes me nervous, my heart is beating faster, my voice is shivery and body shakes slightly.

Most of the time I find courage to come out but it costs me a lot. I don't know why.
Then, for example I said my grandparents that I'm gay but I'd like to say more about it but I'm nervous again and usually resign. My colleagues at university and some lecturers know I'm gay but even though I'm still uncomfortable.

For a few months I even had a rainbow bracelet and exercise book with pictures of half naked men for everyone to see. I know, it's pathetic but I think I wouldn't feel good until the whole world will know I'm gay :frown:.

So basically I think I have two problems: I can't stop showing people I'm gay but on the other hand I can't fight off the anxiety.

Today I had a presentation to present and obviously I put a picture of two kissing guys on my desktop for everyone to see. I felt a bit nervous about it but I really felt guilty that I didn't choose a topic about gay issues (because it could be everything). Although everyone probably knows I'm gay becuase I made a lesson about gay rights last year but I thought everyone forgot.

Sometimes I really think I'm going crazy :frown:.

[MisterTinkles]

Why do you think you need to tell everybody about your personal life?

If they like you, they like you for the decent person you are, not your personal dating preferences.
If they love you, they love you for who you are, not because of your personal preferences.

A lot of people nowdays just dont care. A lot of them are even tired of hearing about it, they think its something you are trying to do to get noticed or say "hey, Im better than everybody because Im different".

Stop worrying about what everybody else thinks, because most of them dont care anyway.

So, you like guys. So does about 1/4 of the rest of the male population. Who cares really?
A few brain dead ignorant neanderthals might have problems, because they think your private life is their business, when its not.

You are a person, not an object. Stop trying to sell yourself as an object. Be the best human you can be, and people will like you, just for being a good person.....they wont care about anything else.

As far as your family is concerned.....well, if you bring home a boyfriend one day, I think that will be a dead giveaway.

Just live YOUR life to the best of your abilities, and DO NOT worry about what others think or say, because it really does not matter.

As for the anxiety and stress, you are tormenting yourself for no reason. I've been there, so I know what self torment is like. You just have to work through it, and make yourself believe that "gay" doesnt matter, but "good" and "honest" does.

[Woollyhats]

Personally, I think your preoccupation with telling people you're gay and making sure they know is creating stress in a similar way as being in the closet would, which is the opposite in that you'd be making sure no one knows you're gay.

You don't need to tell people. If you want a context clue to give to people wear a rainbow bracelet. Don't feel you NEED to tell anyone.

For me I rarely tell people, I just let them catch on. It's easy for people to see I have a boyfriend, and if someone doesn't know it's not my problem. I'm considering ordering a talk to me trevor.org pin for my book bag, but that's to support people who feel they're alone, not because I need everyone to know. The only people I'd recommend you 'having' to tell is your family and perhaps best friend, so you don't shock them too much when you do get a boyfriend.

Everyone else just isn't relevant to your life, so I don't see what they need to know your sexuality.

[Kackerlacka]

I'm more so just a straight man, not a bi man. Don't worry about telling us straight guys you are gay....I don't care if anyone in my school is, don't care if my friend is, domt care of my brother Is. It's becoming all so common now. No one really cares anymore. Again like others. U will have those few neanderthals, but not many out there. Don't worry about telling people. Usually we can kind of tell at some point. Either ur forcing yourself to fit in so we don't know your gay and we can see you forcing it, or we will just pick up the clues u give...like if some guy had a picture of 2 men kissing on his laptop....yeah i would believe I. My mind he is gay unless he had some other reason for having it.but initial thought is that the kid is gay. Again whoopdie do....No one really cares anymore. It's normal and common don't worry lol.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sometimes I really think I'm going crazy :frown:.

Mental health professionals will tell you 'We prefer to not use the "C" word.'

Um You are conflicted here when it comes to the emotions - I wanna/I don't wanna....

Why that is I don't know - I am not you. How to fix this? Without knowing and understanding the drives behind both impulses for you that may be difficult to do.


"I'm insecure and suspicious if someone doesn't know I'm gay..."
"I have a kind of obsession..."
"I can't fight off the anxiety"


Obsessive behaviors and paranoid (suspicious) feelings do kinda, sorta go hand in hand. Anxiety and Obsessive/paranoia go hand is typical.

I am not going to say you are crazy, but I will say you do have a mental/emotional health situation going on that is not terribly healthy...

I don't know your past mental/emotional health history.

I think resolution will naturally come about - eventually. Either you will get over the whole 'I need to tell you this....' thing (which I suspect is tied int fear of being rejected once the news comes out). or you will cease to be anxious about it.

These two states of mind you got going on are most likely, so likely to be a near certain probability, tied into some other emotion(s)/event(s) and are expression of those.

For instance, when you came out - how many people you knew for a long time flat out rejected you, cutting you off from their lives? If it was 'many' (a number you think is many) this need to get it out there that you are gay may be a self defense mechanism, a way to make certain you don't get attached to a person who will later reject you.

Or if there is just one important person who was in your life...?

Emotional states are often like an onion, you peel of one layer and there is a layer beneath it, peel off that layer and yet another layer... These current issues may go back a long, long way in your life.

This would be a good time to consider therapy. Therapists try to help patients to peel their onion and find the heart of the issue, the core emotion or event that lead to 'all of this'....

[MisterTinkles]

Mental health professionals will tell you 'We prefer to not use the "C" word.'

The "C" word????

Cat?
Cuckoo?
Canary?
Conundrum?
Cracked?
Contraption?
Confused?
Calcium?
Cameo?
Car?
Crazed?
Crossed?

[747XL29]

99.9% of the people I speak with daily, I could care less about their sexuality.

I also think I'm a bit nuts occasionally as well. Hope you feel better about it soon.

[southbiochem]

Obsessive disorders can be treated you know? Just to put that out there.

What's important is that you know that you DON'T need to tell everyone you're gay.

While it's very commendable you don't feel like you have to hide it, you're putting yourself through unnecessary anxiety.

If you really must display openly your sexuality to reaffirm yourself I think the rainbow bracelet is a very good idea. You're showing the world you're gay without needing to put it in words, which seems to be stressing you.

If people ask you about it, tell, if not, that bracelet is there for them to know!

[loserguy]

Try to relax and read what the other posters here have written.

It is excellent advice!

[Chris]

Thank you guys for your help. I was thinking about it yesterday and today and probably realized the reason of my behaviour. By saying that I'm gay earlier I try to avoid laying. It’s obvious that sooner or later there will be such a point in a conversation when I would have to admit that I’m gay or hide it. For example I remember one situation a few years ago. A lecturer at my university asked if I had or had had any girlfriend. I didn’t expect that question and finally didn’t say that I was gay. From then on I preferred to create all those situation to anticipate someone’s enquiry in case I would be too nervous then. But I agree it’s exaggeration. It ended up that even working as hotel receptionist I came out while talking with guests.

I didn’t have any negative experiences. Some people didn’t want to know more about my gayness, although didn’t change their attitude towards me and were still friendly. However, I stopped talking with my two straight male friends. It looked like they felt uncomfortable listening about my boyfriends but to be fair stopped talking about their girlfriends too but it was not enough for me.

Anyway it’s a good idea to talk with a therapist because I’m not sure that I can resolve this problem on my own.