How can I help my so extremely shy boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what to do with my so very shy boyfriend. We're together for 6 months now, he's very sweet and nice person. The thing is that he is very insecure and shy about his looks and physical intimacy. He's 22 years old and a virgin still. He thinks that he's not handsome enough to have sex and I cannot convince him otherwise. He's actually very cute guy, of course, he has few flaws, but I overlook them easily, because I'm in love with him and I like him the way he is. No one is perfect and I'm not a model myself.

We've spent nights together, lying under one blanket and nothing has ever happened between us. I've been naked next to him and he has touched and caressed my whole body. I can see he likes it, but he's too shy to undress himself. When we're together he sleeps in tank top and boxer briefs and I cannot persuade him to take them off. He's always like "I look more or less good only when dressed". When we're kissing, he's always blushing so much I can literally feel the heat from his face on my own face. There also was this situation when I got hard when kissing with him and he looked so very incredulous and said that it's hard for him to believe that I could get turned on by him. He never lets me closer than kissing, if I ever try to touch his penis or butt, he doesn't let me and he says he stinks. Of course that's not true, how could he stink when we're always showering before going to bed.

I know that he has not been abused, I asked him that, but he told me that when he was a child, he had very strict and religious parents who always said that sex is unchaste and genitals are dirty and should not be touched. He told me a moment that he remembered from his childhood, that when he was 6 or 7 years old and his mother was helping him to wash, she claimed that he is rarely ugly child. I think that maybe this is the reason he's so insecure about his body.

So now I've no idea how to help him. When I ask him if he likes me touching him, he says he does, but he feels very uncomfortable. He's ashamed about his body, about how he looks, smells, etc, although actually there's no problem at all, it's all just in his head. How can I help him to overcome his shyness?

[southbiochem]

Hmmm..

self esteem issues like that and more so with the background he has, are usually better treated with counseling

Give time to time, be patient, that's the first priority.

You can give him compliments on a daily basis...small things so as to let him know just how much you love him, but nothing too big so to make him uncomfortable

[Rainbowmum]

Be patient and reassuring everything else will fall into place eventually .

[Evan88]

Hmm first step is reassurance... you can throw some compliments every once in a while about his looks...about how he smells..

But since his self esteem issues are rooted from his childhood, I guess its best to seek professional help.

If he doesnt want to seek professional help, maybe give him books on how to lift self esteem...

But.. I guess maybe it is also okay to do if you would not make it as an issue. Maybe he would be more comfortable soon since the relationship is just 6 months old. Do things one step at a time with him till he finally gives in and be more comfortable and confident with his own body

[dfiant]

take

your

time

Rush him into moving outside his comfort zone before he is ready, you will lose him. He needs time because he is taking baby steps and everything is new to him and 6 months is fuck all amount of time.

[MisterTinkles]

Parents shoving stigmas onto a child. How very "christian" of them!!! Freaks.

You have to work at DE-brainwashing him with all the crap and garbage his so-called parents forced him to believe.

And like others said, that takes time. Also takes TONS of patience and understanding.

If you are the type of person who can handle this, then be expected for this to take years.
Rushing him, guilting him, or forcing him to do something he is not prepared for will be extremely harmful, mentally.

[Woollyhats]

Aww. There's always the possibility he's afraid he won't be very good at it or enjoy it. If he does get better but you have some issues to work with (I.e., sensitivitiy, not liking anal sex, etc.) make sure you're supportive and work through them because of how difficult it is for him to open up.

Also, push him a little bit, but not too much. Like ask if you can rest your head on his chest and promise it won't lead to sex or whatever, to get him used to not being clothed first? It might help in getting him comfortable near you. Since him smelling bad is an issue, perhaps showering before seeing each other and him wearing deorderant might help with that particular issue.

If possible, talking about his internal issues with his looks, or getting a counsellor of some sort might help with the issues related to his self esteem. He may feel very ugly; but as his boyfriend you can help with that .

If you're patient and don't frighten him, I'm sure he'll get better eventually... he might never be highly sexual, but I imagine you will get to a point where you at least are sexual together.

[driftwood]

...he had very strict and religious parents who always said that sex is unchaste and genitals are dirty and should not be touched. He told me a moment that he remembered from his childhood, that when he was 6 or 7 years old and his mother was helping him to wash, she claimed that he is rarely ugly child...

This is a pretty serious case. His parents really did a number on him. Who knows how many other things they said that he doesn't remember because he was too young. Undoing the damage will take a professional and will probably take years. So you'll need to be aware that like Mr. Tinkles said, this is going to take "TONS of patience and understanding." If you are not in it for the long haul, it might be better if you don't even start, but if youare, your loyalty to him will help him to see that he has value.

...When I ask him if he likes me touching him, he says he does, but he feels very uncomfortable. He's ashamed about his body, about how he looks, smells, etc, although actually there's no problem at all, it's all just in his head...

It sounds to me like the best thing you can do is make sure there's a lot of touch in the relationship. Texting and phone are no substitute for eye contact, and especially for touch. Touching frequently, but in small doses (since he feels uncomfortable) should help him to get over the shame, especially if you have the perfectly normal reaction of getting hard occasionally. Hopefully, in time, he'll begin to realize that he looks fine, and he smells fine. Also be sure to include non-sexual touch and lots of it in the relationship. Since he feels more comfortable with his clothes on, that type of touch will be more relaxed for him.

It would probably be a lot easier to convince him that he's not repulsive if he were. But with it being "all just in his head" it makes it that much more difficult. But he definitely needs to be seeing a professional, and a good one at that.

[driftwood]

I know that he has not been abused

He may not have been physically abused, but he was certainly abused. - there's nothing else you can call it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I know that he has not been abused, I asked him that, but he told me that when he was a child, he had very strict and religious parents who always said that sex is unchaste and genitals are dirty and should not be touched. He told me a moment that he remembered from his childhood, that when he was 6 or 7 years old and his mother was helping him to wash, she claimed that he is rarely ugly child. I think that maybe this is the reason he's so insecure about his body.

THAT is mental/emotional abuse. So yes, he was abused as a child, and the usual way people go about discussing their abuse is to downplay it, and touch on it lightly. no doubt there was a lot more of that mental/emotional and verbal abuse that went on.

You are going to have to be more dominant in this. I'm not suggesting you hold him down and rape him, I am saying you are going to have to physically pull him closer, hold him and hug him and assure and reassure him that that is what you really want.

He will struggle, he will fight, might even cry. Understand he has been severely programmed thus its going to take a lot of love an patience to break through that programming and get him to the point where he will be able to respond to you.

I doubt he will ever be at a place where he will come up to you to hug you. He will need someone to initiate and with time respond to that.

When sex does take place, do it in the dark and under a blanket. Don't aim to take of his shirt in bright light - but do start letting your hand run up under the shirt after a few days of cuddle sessions.

Self image and body image is already difficult for normal people. His mother/parents did a number on him making it all the more harder.

This is abuse, he was abused and ideally he needs therapy to work through this and learn new truths.

Between you me and the lamp post, he will never be as comfortable with his body as you are with your own. He may, if he works on it, get to the point were he can go shirtless in public, and be willing and able to take off his clothes to sleep with his partner. Initiating sex, initiating cuddling, etc that may be something he has little to no success with.

And even when he gets to the point where he can remove shirt - there will be a part of him that is telling him the old 'truths' which we all know are lies.