He's so lazy I don't know where to begin

[Anonymous]

Well so I'm young gay man and I've a boyfriend ( we're both 27). We're together for 2 years and we live together for almost 8 months now. Basically we're happy with this little exception - my boyfriend is lazy as hell. Seriously, he's not doing anything to help me with housework. The only thing he does is washing his dishes after eating. I'm doing almost everything alone - doing mine and his laundry, ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping and going to the job above all. My boyfriend is working too, however he has a job that allows him to work at home from his computer.

Sometimes it feels like he wouldn't mind growing into the dirt if I wouldn't do anything. He even ignores me when I ask him to do something. For example, if I ask him " I need to go to the market, will you please clean the room while I'm gone?" He's like "yes, of course" and when I come back home, I always see that he hasn't done anything. And then I'm angry and then we're arguing. I just can't understand - we have only one room. Is it really so hard to take the vacuum cleaner and clean the carpet? He always says that he has to work and he doesn't have time for these things, but it doesn't take more than 20 minutes. Is it really so hard to help your boyfriend one little bit? When I get really angry, I sometimes think that I won't do anything anymore, but then I realize that if I won't do the housework, no one will do it.

On the one hand I kind of can understand why he's like this. He was born in countryside and he lived on a farm until he was 20. I guess no one pays much attention to tidiness there. It's driving me crazy when he starts his "when I lived on a farm" speech, trying to explain me why hasn't he done what I asked him to do. He's always like "why are you paying attention to these little things?"

I have to say I'm disappointed in him. I was so looking forward to living together with him, I thought we'll have a wonderful life together. Now sometimes I feel like I'm a maid to him. He's actually a very good and sweet person and I love him. I'm a city person, but I'm used to work and I cannot stand his laziness. Sometimes I think that maybe I should somehow motivate him, but I don't know how.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

YOU are the clean freak here, if tidiness is an issue for you then tidy up...

You can't be doing this 'I love you but you must __________(fill in the blank with whatever). You married the guy who is a pig - sorry you just have to suck it up and clean up after him Or hire a maid if its too much of a hassle.

Don't expect him to change - he is well past the training part of his life. Blame is parents - they had him during the training phase of life.

Trust me, I know EXACTLY what it is like to be the responsible, cleaner/laundry/cook/bottle washer - everything in a relationship. I did it for 14 years - oh wait, I'm still doing it because he is now my roommate. (Why won't he go away?)

I just understand that if I want a clean house then I clean the house. The pig won't clean, the slob is permanently, and irretrievably a slob.

Nagging him, getting angry with him, getting resentful over 'stuff' isn't going to do anything positive for you, him or your relationship. IT will do lots of negatives, and eventually end in break up.

So you two moved in together 8 months ago, that is what 16 months that you dated and saw the place he lived in - Hello did you not get a clue then what you are getting into?

Look, when I met my ex and got to see his place I knew instantly what I was getting myself into. Slobs don't bother hiding they are a slob - so you can't tell me that this is all new and surprising.

I suspect you decided that this was a project husband one that you saw as a rough piece of work that a bit of sanding and chiseling would make into the perfect man. Sorry - it doesn't work that way. No you may not have consciously set about doing this, but it is what is happening.

Gotta love him for who and what he is, yep that includes the ugly and the bad as well.

[Anonymous]

I believe that a couple should cooperate somehow. If you love someone, you should care about his well being. He's spending almost every day at home, I don't. He knows I'm tired when I come home after job. Why couldn't he just make one little step forward and tidy up, at least a little or cook dinner for us? Why should I do everything?

And no, when I came to his place before living together, I didn't think he's that way he is. It wasn't really messy at all.

[Woollyhats]

He could be getting comfy with you as the cleaning person... When people live together often they are better in certain things. A sexist but easy example is men working and women child raising... which shows my point despite being out dated.

Maybe you're just good at cleanimg so that's become your thing. He does his dishes... So you've been stuck with the whole laundry and washroom bit.

Are there things he is good at and will do? The lawn, shipping (I know it was an example but just listing some ideas), ordering things you need, appointments for your dogs etc., tedious phone calls... Whatever?

Sometimes when you have someone that's just awful I'm a given area, say cleaning, it might make more sense to redirect them into doing something they are good at, so they can help you that way. Just throwing out a few ideas...

[Chris]

Does he at least appreciate what you do for him? If yes, it's not that bad. Otherwise he's just selfish. Stop making food at home and start eating out. If he gets hungry, he'll prepare something, hopefully for you both. Last but not least I don't know if he's a very filthy guy or you are pedantic so it's hard to judge.

[Sylph]

He could be getting comfy with you as the cleaning person... When people live together often they are better in certain things. A sexist but easy example is men working and women child raising... which shows my point despite being out dated.

Maybe you're just good at cleanimg so that's become your thing. He does his dishes... So you've been stuck with the whole laundry and washroom bit.

Are there things he is good at and will do? The lawn, shipping (I know it was an example but just listing some ideas), ordering things you need, appointments for your dogs etc., tedious phone calls... Whatever?

Sometimes when you have someone that's just awful I'm a given area, say cleaning, it might make more sense to redirect them into doing something they are good at, so they can help you that way. Just throwing out a few ideas...

I agree, I am the "House Spouse" in my situation. Tho my family does their share i.e- makin dat money, I have to ; Organize the house, sweep, do dishes, mop, wash the dog, walk her, clean her shit, clean her cage, feed her, feed us and the cycle continues, so I can relate.

However, they know I have worked with Animals for years and spent a summer cooking and cleaning at a local beach cafe, so I do have experience and if I had to be honest, I like having "my thing" cause it makes me feel useful, but I can totally see where you are coming from on the laziness thing.

It annoys me when things buildup if I dont do it and then I get reprimanded for not doing it sometimes or they dont even appreciate it.

However I know I do it better than they can, so I don't even care, cause at the end the day, I get to look at what I've done and feel accomplished.


Perhap do as Wooly suggested and get him to maybe like fix the crap around the house or whatever he might be good at.

He should be willing to atleast do something.

[Anonymous]

He'll do anything, but only if I make him, if I really get angry. He won't do anything by his own initiative. He basically spends all his day at the computer doing his job.

I wouldn't say I'm pedantic, but I do like a clean living place. I would be so happy if I would come home one day and wouldn't have a mess in front of me and could just relax.

I can understand he maybe doesn't like housework, I don't either, but we have to do them. Maybe he doesn't see when something needs cleaning, but why ignore when I ask him to do something? When I ask him "please do the laundry", "please clean up in the bathroom" why can't he do that? Maybe he just needs maid instead of boyfriend and that's it.

[Chris]

Share your duties then. If he can't do cleaning, find something else for him but if this issue is the only one that bothers you, then don't let such a stupid thing destroy your relationship. I think it's better to be with a messy but loving guy than a clean bastard.

[southbiochem]

Gotta love him for who and what he is, yep that includes the ugly and the bad as well.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It may have worked that way in your days, my dear man, but that sort of shit doesn't fly anymore.

He clearly comes from a background where mommy or whomever did everything for him, pampered his every wish and whipped his behind from day 0 up util the day he left home.

No.

No one and listen to me well (you and THE OP), NO ONE can get away with that insane degree of selfishness on the basis of "you got to love him for who he is", this does not apply here.

So, OP, here's my advice for you and it's not going to be pleasant.

Stop doing his laundry, do only yours.

Stop cleaning his "half of the room", clean only yours..

Do you see where I'm going with this?

It will probably lead to an argument, but the message should be clear: you are his partner, his BF, not his b*tch, nor his slave, nor his maid.

Couples need to reach compromises, because more likely than not when 2 people live together they're going to find things they don't like about each other. The idea here is that you 2 get to talk and you need to make clear that the key word is "compromise"

[Evan88]

Oh that sucks...

Even in the earlier years of my parents' marriage, they have been in the same situation. My mom would be really upset because she does all the chores and my dad was just laying down in the bed.

Forget letting him know that it bothers you. I think he already knows you hate that particular trait of him. What i can think of... is maybe you can both clean the house together during weekends?

I guess he doesn't wanna clean things by himself, and if its a group effort then maybe he would act. Start by cleaning the house together, then little by little, when he is already getting used to it, ask him favors, little by little.

Start by asking him to do easy tasks.. Like wiping the mirror, mopping the floor. If he doesn't do it, ask him again with a calm voice like "I think you forgot to do my little favor, i would really love it if you would"...if not again, ask him again politely until he does the task. When he finally does the tasks given, thank him lavishly cause that would reinforce good behavior.

I think it would be good not to shock him to do difficult tasks like vacuuming the carpet..i mean its not hard for some but for some who were not used to doing it, it will be hard. Try to do it sometimes with him..I mean all the tasks and chores in the house, until he could do it all by his self. And maybe have a date afterwards so he'll associate cleaning with having fun after..