Just need to speak what's inside..
03-17-2014, 02:38 AM
Hello names..well just say its specialbrownie..just wanted to vent and tell my story so it can be known...well my dilemma began when I was 20 well most of it..it really began when I was 17&18 so when I was 17yrs old I decided to go get blood work done..I had never had real sex but was extremely close at different points no penetrating just like rubbing and hand jobs so just wanted to check..just to make sure everything was good to go...A week later the doctor had results and she started then she basically said i had HIV...I became devastated I was crushed I basically tried to commit suicide. .but of course failed...my parents and siblings took the news pretty bad..I continued my life as if I was HIVpositive when I was about 17 1/2 I decided to move away to another state with my sister so I continued life..shortly after.. a friend joined and now it was my sister her husband my friend and I...Some how the conversation came up. my friend just said why don't you get a second opinion. .to which my sister replied you should but don't get ur hopes to high..since it had been almost one year since I was given my diognosis...I never thought about it until that day that my friend suggested a second opinion. .but that doctor who initially assessed me sent me to a specialist..but the specialist never drew blood or did any test..so i decided to go along with there suggestion..also I knew I had never been penetrated or penetrated anyone in my life. ..plus my sister and friend agreed to get tested themselves..I guess so I wouldn't feel awkward or who knows..but we went and got tested a week later they had the results...and my results were negative. .I could not believe all that I went through for the simple misreading of these exams...I was so relieved...after that life was very diffrent I lived in fear of meeting guys I just did not want to do sex because of what I had been through..One day when I was about 181/2 I was invited to a coffee piano bar still with this fear in me but I decided to go anyway. .I arrived to the event and was early.. there were other people there and I decided to wait for my friends in the center of the piano bar..As I waited some guy approached me and asked for my name and asked wut I was up to..we spoke for a while then my friends arrived the gentleman walked away ...as I was leaving he stopped me and asked for my number..After that we dated for about 3mths I never did sex with him....then some how I ended up back home at my parents at like 19 1/2 ..After couple months passed I met another person I fell in love deeply I asked that person to become my boyfriend at about 3mths after daiting. ..He looked me in the eye and said I need to tell you something...and I don't know why I said what your HIV positive and he said yes..I was in amazement since I initially don't even know why I said that it just kind of came out. I don't know why maybe it was love but after he said that I said ok..but do you want to be my boyfriend. ..He said yeah...I fell deep for this person and we were in a 10 yr relationship about 8 yrs into the relationship..something happened..I am a loyal person and believe in good moral and dignity.. I felt diffrent like he was being different no more calls he wanted to do things on his own and would not allow me to do my own thing...One day I checked his text messages or computer can't remember and found that he had been texting/chatting with other men...He said there from other states I've never cheated on you. .and I told him you know wut I'm gone..He begged me not to leave him..so i stayed..from 8 1/2 to 9 years it was horrible I was un trusting very controlling. .I felt terrible..I decided to speak about the situation at about 9 year mark I said look I don't want to live like this I want to forgive you because I love you and I want to trust you I will not tell you anything anymore about wut you did to me..If i can't trust you I cannot be with you.i followed through and did not mention anything.. about 4 months after the 9 yr mark he told me my mom wants me to take her to visit my aunts..and I was like perfect to see if I could trust him..he came back ...and the curiosity got the best of me he took off for like an hour and I had to look in his computer...I did not find anything but I found one picture..not nasty or anything like that.. just like a regular picture of a guy...I went outside and waited quietly for his return...and gathered my thoughts I said to myself if I went through his computer that means I don't trust him and if I don't trust him then why am I still here..I even contemplated on not saying anything but then I thought who r u kidding...so when he returned I told him hey I want to ask you something and I asked...He said I don't know who that is I promise..I told him I don't know why but I believe you..but the reason I'm leaving is because I don't trust you...He begged me to stay and I told him are you sure you still want me to stay..I don't think I'll ever trust you again..can you be with someone who can never trust you again and he said please don't leave me. So i stayed..now when we hit the 10 year mark..we were outside and I looked at him asked him wuts wrong and he said I'm not happy..and it was over like that..I'm so sad because I truly loved this person...just been 2 months since we seperated..and had not spoken about this to any one....ironically I've checked myself twice for HIV since and I test negative...just needed to vent..
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