Lack of intimacy.....Advice?

[CarGuy65]

Hi All, usually I just lurk here and occasionally reply to post. This is my first time starting a thread but I feel I finally may need to ask for advice.
Here is the back story. I have been in a exclusive relationship with a great guy. We met through a dating site just looking for friendship at first. After about a month we had developed feelings for one another and talked about a possible relationship to see where it may go. We quickly fell in love and have been together for just over a year. I had just come out of a 16 year marriage (to a cheating woman) and decided I was going to follow my feelings of being gay. He had just lost his partner of 15 years to cancer and if that wasn't enough he discovered his partner had been cheating on him (for 2 years) the night of his passing while going through his phone for contact info to let people know what happened. He said his partner never communicated with him and he never had any clue as to what was going on.
Fast forward a little. Our relationship was great at first. We took our intimacy slowly with a lot of cuddling and kissing while we were still getting to know each other. It was about a month before we had sex. It was great and very intimate. At least to me it was. Since then we only had sex about once or twice a month until October. That is when it came to a stop. No sex since then. No real affection or intimacy since then.
I know that he has a very high sex drive. He admitted to very frequent masturbation early on. He also is VERY active with his Tumblr blog almost every day and has a computer full of porn in picture and video form. He has many nude pictures of muscular defined men in his room. The more endowed the better or so it seems. All this is very intimidating to me but I overlook it. Neither of us has that type of body (or endowment for that matter) but I know he has an appreciation for the male form. I do not ask much from him and try not to bring even the slightest bit of drama into the relationship. We have not even argued about anything...ever. I work for him a day or two a month and do not expect pay but a nice dinner or a little appreciation would be nice. Hell even a thank you would be great. We are both very busy as we both own our own businesses.
Now for the advice part. I am feeling like I am a boyfriend of convenience. In other words, he has settled for me because he really does not have time to go search for someone else that fits what he really wants. He keeps asking me to move in with him, but I am fine where I am at now and I really am not ready to live with him full time. I do not know how to approach him on why there is no intimacy any more. I do not want to bring any drama into his life and I do not want to chance making him upset.
What should I do or how should I approach this in a way to not cause any drama? I am in love with him and know he feels the same but this can not be all there is. I feel lonely and sometimes I feel used and under appreciated.
I would like to know what fellow forum members thoughts would be. Any advice?


Sorry for the long story but I felt the more info the better. Thanks in advance for any insight on what could help.
Paul

[Bowyn Aerrow]

According to your profile you two met in 2013. You have just put in a year (at most), its way to early in the game for lack of sex to enter into the relationship. That comes around the 2-3 year mark, and usually then its just reduced due to hectic life schedules and the couple try 'Friday night sex' where they make an appointment. That is about the standard average relationship (gay, straight, bi - whatever). So there is to be expected some reduction in sex and intimacy...

However I think you understand that what is happening is atypical.

Drama Free: Well to keep from having drama I do strongly suggest you just keep your mouth shut and accept your fate here.

There is no 'drama' free way to ask questions. Seriously, he is misusing you and this is causing YOU harm and its going to be an argument, a debate, a quarrel a drama when you confront him on this.

There is something dreadfully wrong with the gay male dating scene and all of these men insisting on 'no drama'. Now I can understand not having drama 24/7/365 - but there is going to be drama moments because two people who are trying to get along are going to have to blow off steam, argue, get sick, get hurt and cry... This is one of those points in a relationship were drama MUST take place, or nothing is going to get fixed...

And sadly, I fear that this may be one of those things that cannot be fixed.

Now for the advice part. I am feeling like I am a boyfriend of convenience.

Well why do you think your gut is lying to you?

I think you know what the problem is. Porn and this image of 'perfection' of a mate which has lead to him being dissatisfied with real human beings. sure he wants to have someone to call a mate, thus is clinging to you - most likely because he already knows he is old and that none of those guys he has images of will make a second glance at him let alone entertain the idea of a 'relationship'.

Yes I just said what you said but in different words.

I'm sorry Paul.

I'm going to assume he is around the same age as you. I'm 47 and very shortly shall be 48... that drumbeat of 'OMG I'm going to be 50 soon.' rattles around in my head, and I know that nearly everyone I know who is closing on 50 gets the same thing. It affects our better judgment, it leads us to sticking with untenable situations and keeping our mouths closed. It leads us to do all manner of silly and downright stupid things...

He may very well be clinging to you because he does not want to die alone. You don't want drama because you don't want to die alone - and you know where this situation is going to lead - either he will lie and make a short term effort and fall back to this stance again, or he will tell you to go screw yourself - and might actually add 'Good luck finding another guy to put up with your oldness'. IDK how mean he can be.

Now did those thoughts run through your head as you contemplated this situation?

Set aside the desire to have no drama and go make some drama - go and tell him you are feeling like you are a BF of convenience. Tell him you need intimacy, love, sex - you need hugs and cuddles and snuggles and 'us time'.

Maybe he will wake up and see that he is making a mistake (fingers crossed), but do be prepared that he cannot give you these things. Not unwilling, just unable. A big difference.

If he cannot, then you need to decide if other parts of this relationship make up for the lack of intimacy. IDK, is the stability of having a breathing body at home 'worth it' for you? Is the conversation stimulating enough and good enough for the rest of your life together? Do you two share sufficient interests where you will at least be great canasta partners, or travel companions or whatever your interests are?

Do understand that time is wearing thin for both of you. The day will most likely come with the wonder of Viagra won't push the old tired body to ability in that department. So these other things will be important.

I cannot tell you what it is you need from him or find acceptable with this relationship. If this lack of intimacy and a deal breaker then please by all means make it well known and do not try to remain silent and pretend everything is alright just because 50 is screaming somewhere in the back of your head.

I wish you luck with this.

[loserguy]

There are a few possible reasons for this:
1. Maybe you are a boyfriend of convenience?
2. Maybe he is cheating?
3. Maybe he has potency issues and is embarrassed?
4. Maybe by rejecting his offer to move in, he feels you are not serious or are cheating on him?

There are other possible reasons also but in order to more forward, you need to have a heart to heart and bring everything out into the open. If he is not willing to do this then I am afraid you can no longer have the kind of relationship you are looking for.

Good Luck.

[driftwood]

I do not ask much from him and try not to bring even the slightest bit of drama into the relationship. We have not even argued about anything...ever...

Ask any marriage counselor, and they'll tell you this is not good. Couples have differences; they need to air them. Bowyn Aerrow has the right idea: bring on the drama. "Tell him you need intimacy, love, sex - you need hugs and cuddles and snuggles and 'us time'." You've got to get past his walls and find out what's going on. You need the intimacy. You're not ready to sit around playing canasta (or solitaire while he's playing Grindr). You're going to have to "chance making him upset."

Moving in with him is the last you want to do now. If you can find a way fix the lack of intimacy problem, of course that changes everything. But if not, it's probably time for you to move on. As hard as that may be on you, it will be better to be alone by yourself than alone in an unfulfilling relationship.

Like I said, Bowyn has the right idea about not trying to avoid drama. But when he gets into the OMG I'm almost 50 part, I have to laugh. I went through that twice in the last dozen years, and it's not really all that bad on the other side. I just got out of a relationship, and I'm not going to sit around waiting to die alone. I'm going to go out and find myself a man. It will take some time, but it's certainly not hopeless. Maybe time is wearing thin for Bowyn, but not for me, and it doesn't have to be for you either.

Youngsters like you and Bowyn just need a little dose of PMA, and to get out there and have some fun. If your man can't won't or don't come around, you need to find someone who's more suited to you.

[southbiochem]

I think Bowyn has hit the jack pot.

You need a talk with him and put everything on the table.

Your need for intimacy cannot be overlooked, especially since he doesn't have a low sex drive.

In all honesty you should both put all out there. What exactly are you both expecting from each other?

Why is the situation like it is now? It's patricularly important he be honest with you giving hw he's asking you to move in. That is the perfect occasion to directly adress this situation.

[CarGuy65]

Thanks for the replies.
Bowyn, I was hoping for a reply from you as you tell it like it is. Plus we are in the same hella old group. Yes I am 48 and he is 45. As stated before we both own our own businesses and do not have a lot of spare time for much. He also works with and takes care of his 78 year old mother. She lives with him. She is all there and sharp as a tack so that is really not a problem with me. We have not had an argument because we get along very well and do not have a lot of differences except the intimacy issue which I just have not had the nerve to bring up.
We are going down to L.A. next week ( 7 hour drive) which I thought would be a good time to have a serious talk. I just need to grow a set and do it.
To clarify, we get along great and share many interest and we are still discovering mutual interest and opinions. He does love me and I him. It is something I can feel not just me telling myself that. It is just this one thing that is important in a relationship that is missing. He does not have any physical issues like was mentioned above. That is a problem I have but have found ways around that. As for the possibility of cheating, I do not think that would happen since we have both been cheated on in the past and he has Very strong views on this. But there is always the possibility. He did have a Grindr hook up right before we met. He was honest about that.

[freelandia]

CarGuy65, best of luck.