My boyfriend cheated but that's not the worst part. Need help! Advice is appreciated

[justme89]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now. Starting fall of 2013, I moved to another city 4 hours away from him because I transferred to a new University for my next degree. I found out back at the end of December that he had cheated on me a few months after I had left. He did not tell me about it though, I found out because our relationship started becoming distant and I decided to further investigate if something was wrong.

[MisterTinkles]

I'm not one to put up with a cheater, period. I always tell the guy up front, if he want's a relationship with me, then it's with ME, not the rest of the world.

Needless to say, so far, all men I have met or "dated" have not had the guts or "balls" to be man enough to back up what they say (they claim they are monogamous and want a real relationship), but end up disappearing off the face of the earth when I lay down a few ground rules.

So much for them being a man.

I don't do cheaters, don't have time for their lies and backstabbing ways, don't need them, don't want them.

I have enough to deal with from losers, posers, and liars during the day as it is. I sure as hell don't need it in my private life.

Once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar. That's my experience.

My advice...dump his ass, you will be better off for it. Don't need to deal with that crap anyway, while you are in school. Finish school, THEN look for a relationship.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I find it kind of hard to see how this is a relationship. 3 years into this and you all live 4 hours or more apart?

(we see each other every month)

You really think seeing each other every other month is a 'relationship'?

Like, if I called him right now and said I needed him he would take a flight up here (I would never do that).

Indicating that emotionally you two are hardwired in very different ways.

I have been going through some major health issues and he has been consistently there for me through the whole thing.

Indicating he doesn't have way out that is safe because if he said 'I want to be free' you most likely would point at the recent bout of illness.

Look. I'm sure he loves you in his way, but he isn't being satisfied with every two month visits from a BF who apparently wouldn't be willing to fly out to be with him in his hour of need.

Of course he is going to cheat and find that which he isn't getting at home somewhere.

There are too many real issues in this relationship beyond the mere cheating aspect here. Why it is you think you can keep this thing going is beyond me. Why you both are pretending that the distance isn't a problem is something I can't wrap my mind around.

This 'he takes care of me when I am sick' compared to 'I wouldn't fly out to him if he needed me' reveals a sinister selfishness which most likely reveals itself in many other ways and you signal him. Not conciously, but no doubt you say it in a million veiled ways that he picks up on.

But that is ok, I guess. Since he has his selfish streak as well.

You two are not well suited as a couple. YOU need a guy who is closer to you, he needs a guy who is closer to him.

You need a guy who isn't as needful as they would jump on a plane to come help you. HE needs a guy who would.

[justme89]

I find it kind of hard to see how this is a relationship. 3 years into this and you all live 4 hours or more apart?



You really think seeing each other every other month is a 'relationship'?

We have been dating for 3 years prior to the long distance. That just happened this fall when I moved away for the graduate studies. He is also in his graduate studies so we are very busy and only get to see each other once a month. BTW, we both work. I'm an engineer and hes PR specialist.

Indicating that emotionally you two are hardwired in very different ways.

When I said I would never do that, I meant I would never make him do that not that I wouldn't fly out to help him.

[Charon]

Look, as has been said, you don't have a relationship, you've got a psychological text on the subtleties of cheating...with an index. What dropped me was way up front when after relating one instance you wrote, "But I didn't mind". Apparently not. I would say "Nut him" that will keep him home nights but...your health is unstable, but not as unstable as he is. Gedddahereyacreep. Forgive if that last is mis-spelled.

[Cuddly]

I couldn't have a long distance relationship with a guy I couldn't trust. I couldn't trust a guy who slept around as soon as I left town. I assume you had some sort of agreement that didn't involve sleeping around.

I would say the top-thing is a minor detail. He just wanted to be somebody's bitch and that hot looking jock was his daddy for the night. That's really not a big deal, atleast for me it isn't. The husbear and I are both versatile and our desires change randomly, but I believe it is still connected to who we are with.

And Bowyn, it says every month in, not every other. There's a big difference. A long distance relationship is definately hard, but not hard enough to go sleeping around.

Naturally, what you do is up to you. I just really hope things work out for you two.

[dfiant]

A snake only sheds it's skin, giving the illusion that it has a new skin, but it is just the same skin as before.

You the fool, not he.

[fenris]

It is only one relevant question : Do you want to live in such a situation and with such a kind of boyfriend...

[Woollyhats]

Long distance relationships require a level of trust and commitment that is atypical.

Neither of you have this trust and he has no commitment.

Stop wasting your time on this, you know the answers already.

[CellarDweller]

I could never put up with that. Any guy that is with me is with me only. If they can't accept that, then they can leave.