Relationship Help Advice! - Love or Leave?

[adc]

Hello,

I have been in a relationship for over a year now, and for a while I have been having a lot of doubts.

We get on really well, and are basically best friends. Although we are close, I fear that we have completely different life aspirations, and goals. I enjoy his company and the time that we spend together, but I sometime doubt our long term connection?

I often get frustrated with his lack of life choices, aspirations, or energy to do anything extra in his life. I often feel my self trying to mold him to be something different, and I know this is wrong and damaging, but I can see my self doing it all the time. We are complete opposites, and even recently, I have found my self getting irritated with certain mannerisms that he has employed when around certain people. He has assured me that the mannerisms are the true him and he is not putting it on.

With my self soon moving away for a year, we will be separated. I don't know if the relationship has a strong enough connection to try and last the year apart. I don't know if I want to put my self through that, or him, but I fear breaking up, as well as the pain of not seeing him ever again.

I feel lost and unsure as to where I am in the relationship? Am I scared of losing him as a friend, rather than the relationship? I have been in relationships before where I quickly get cold feet and break up. This is my longest. I don't know if this is me getting cold feet, or if the relationship is genuinely not for me?

I often flip sides of "I need to break up", to the next day of being happy. I don't know what to do?

[missourigaymer]

Well, sounds like your in quite the predicament. Many people have asked the same thing before, is it time to go? The best advice I can offer is first to look at the relationship impartially. From that perspective, you can see all the pros and cons. Weigh your options here. Then, I suggest you take your ideas, thoughts, and confusion up with your significant other. If you have doubts, most likely he does to. Discuss it rationally, don't let the conversation become an argument. Best of luck, to both of you.

[loserguy]

You have to do what you feel is best for you.
Nobody is perfect and we all have traits that may displease our significant other. Most of us try to work through these and it usually works. That is what compromise is. Are you prepared to compromise and accept? The answer appears to be no. Whether this relationship works or not you will have to compromise in the future should you want a lasting relationship.
I notice also that you are thinking too far ahead. Why not enjoy what you have now and if and when you go away and it is definite, then worry about it - but not now.

From your post it appears you want to break up and as breakups can be difficult there is a strong likelihood that the friendship will go as well. Unfortunately this usually goes with the territory!

What I would suggest is to take some time out for yourself and write down all the good points about your partner and relationship. Then write down the reasons you are unhappy. Do not consider the future yet. Then weigh up those pros and cons and decide. The fact that he has different interests is not necessarily a negative. It gives both of you space and other things to talk about. Being ambitious or not isn't bad either. You don't need loads of money to be happy.

If you do decide to give up on him, remember that all actions have consequences.

Good Luck

[jimcrackcorn]

Sounds like you are jumping into relationships without really thinking about the long term viability of the relationship.

Relationships are built upon mutual love and commitment toward each other. You shouldn't get into a relationship until you are sure that the feelings you have for this individual are strong.

When you fall in love with someone, it doesn't matter if this person is a perfect match for you or not. You love them regardless of their "life choices or aspirations".... I would have preferred to have fallen in love with a olive skinned dark haired Italian with money oozing out of every orifice,,, but love doesn't happen that way. I ended up with a handsome guy with an Irish background who was not rich and doesn't like to clean-up after himself. That's life. If you love your boyfriend, you will overlook his imperfections and find a way to make the relationship work.

Being separated for a year isn't going to be easy, but will be worth it if you really care for him.

Lastly,,, don't let yourself over-think what the future may hold. Sometimes you just need to find happiness with the person you are with and not over analyze the relationship. If your boyfriend treats you good and doesn't hurt you, then he's worth a second look,,,, cause there's a lot of guys out there who are not boyfriend/relationship/husband material.

Good luck,
Jim

[adc]

Are you prepared to compromise and accept? The answer appears to be no. Whether this relationship works or not you will have to compromise in the future should you want a lasting relationship.
I notice also that you are thinking too far ahead. Why not enjoy what you have now and if and when you go away and it is definite, then worry about it - but not now.

But how can I not think about the future? I understand living in the moment. But I will be going away for a full year, of which I will only see him a handful of times. Then I will be back at Uni for a further year, where he could possibly be roughly around 40miles distance from me.

Also when I talk about ambition. I don't mean money. Money means nothing to me. It's more a desire to accomplish something (get into a profession, see xyz country, play the piano etc)

If you do decide to give up on him, remember that all actions have consequences.

This is my main problem. He loves me. I recently found out that he was crying on a night out because he was scared of me moving away for the year.

When you fall in love with someone, it doesn't matter if this person is a perfect match for you or not. You love them regardless of their "life choices or aspirations".... I would have preferred to have fallen in love with a olive skinned dark haired Italian with money oozing out of every orifice,,, but love doesn't happen that way. I ended up with a handsome guy with an Irish background who was not rich and doesn't like to clean-up after himself. That's life. If you love your boyfriend, you will overlook his imperfections and find a way to make the relationship work.

Thats what partly confuses me. If I did love him through and through, would I even be having this thought, posting on a relationship website?

Lastly,,, don't let yourself over-think what the future may hold. Sometimes you just need to find happiness with the person you are with and not over analyze the relationship. If your boyfriend treats you good and doesn't hurt you, then he's worth a second look,,,, cause there's a lot of guys out there who are not boyfriend/relationship/husband material.

He does treat me well. I don't want to miss treat him at all.

We recently had an argument of which developed through my viewpoint that "we don't go anywhere, do anything". After his assurance that we do, and my examples of how we don't, he started crying which broke my heart as I did not want that to happen.

He pointed out that he has no money so we can't go anywhere. Which is understandable. But he spends around 70% of his free time doing nothing, where he could be getting a job. I understand that not everyone wants a job so I am not too fussed about that. Although he has just bought a £1000 laptop into his overdraft. So now he definitely has no money to do anything....Even walks, or trips that are free usually fall on deaf ears.

It appears as though I have painted a bad picture of him. He is not a bad person. He is someone who has many friends, and everyone loves him. I love him as well. But frustration arises of the lack of ambition, or drive to accomplish anything. Although I love him, I sometimes doubt my self, as when I don't feel those 'butterfly's, or a desire to be close at times.