I Need Some Advice, What Would You Do From Here?

[neonlj]

I've been seeing this guy for about a month, seeing each other twice a week and I've stayed at his a few times. We've got along really well and as far as I can see we gel really well. He's gone home for a month (he goes to the uni in the city I live in) and we've kept contact over the last two weeks via texting pretty frequently.

Last night I decided to speak to him as I feel a bit like I'm getting a little attached and I wanted to know where I stand before I go any further. I told him that I liked spending time with him and want to keep it where it is now. But I went on to say that I would ideally like it to become a relationship further down the line if things continue to go well.

He replied saying he enjoyed spending time with me too but he doesn't really know what he wants, but he wanted to keep spending time with me. He explained that he'd never been in a relationship before and doesn't know if he's there yet.

I like this guy and I do enjoy spending time with him... but I don't know where to go from here really. I don't know whether to give him more time to feel comfortable, but then I'm a bit scared of getting more attached if I do this.

Any advice or opinions?

[Wolfpack]

It sounds from your post that you are already attached to him,but a month is not very long for you truly to know each other properly yet.

Nothing wrong with you telling him how you honestly feel,at least he knows we're you stand and what you would like to maybe happen between you.

Best to give him more time,get to know each other more,you do not have to rush things.

As for yourself if he does not feel the same way towards you in time,can you accept just being close friends?
But I would not pressure him to much or he may back off altogether,take your time and who knows he may develop to feel the same about you as you do towards him.Good luck.

[neonlj]

It sounds from your post that you are already attached to him,but a month is not very long for you truly to know each other properly yet.

Nothing wrong with you telling him how you honestly feel,at least he knows we're you stand and what you would like to maybe happen between you.

Best to give him more time,get to know each other more,you do not have to rush things.

As for yourself if he does not feel the same way towards you in time,can you accept just being close friends?
But I would not pressure him to much or he may back off altogether,take your time and who knows he may develop to feel the same about you as you do towards him.Good luck.

Thank you. What you've said is pretty much what I'm thinking I should do.

I don't trust myself sometimes haha, and like to ask for help advice to see what the options are. He said he wants to keep going as we are, so I'm seeing that as a positive sign as well as the fact he hasn't really backed off despite me saying where I'd like it to head.

I would be happy being close friends if I'm honest. It's not so much things not working out the way I wnat that I get scared of, it's the idea of not knowing where something is going...it makes me feel anxious, haha, but I guess I need to be patient.

[Mark]

Lust seems to be a major player in this. Don't let lust take over that can be what ruins relationships, whether they be romantic or just friendships.

You said you'd like to be close friends let it get to that stage don't think about it otherwise you will convince yourself you want more when you may not? :p The best relationships are natural and not thought about - they tend to be the ones that last. Many many many people start a relationship with friends after years and years of not realising what they have.

You more than likely will get attached but thats not a bad thing. We get stronger from being hurt - and you never know you may not get hurt!

The other option you have is force him into giving an answer and ruining anything you have - or just deleting him from your life. Neither of these I would advise and Im sure you wouldn't want to do either :p But as you were asking these are the available options!

Give it time and carry on as normal

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I would be happy being close friends if I'm honest. It's not so much things not working out the way I wnat that I get scared of, it's the idea of not knowing where something is going...it makes me feel anxious, haha, but I guess I need to be patient.

Well you are not being wholly honest with yourself. You want more than 'just friends' thus your coming here for advice. You are going to be deeply wounded if he tells you that its never going to bloom into a full relationship.

No one is happy to be regulated to the 'just friends' category - it is still a form of rejection, perhaps not the complete and utter rejection of having a restraining order slapped on you.... but it is still rejection.

So if this does happen you need to prepare yourself for the pain of rejection. Its not going to feel good.

Yes just be patient... I doubt that will end well. Relationships are rarely started based on rational/logical thinking. Relationships are caused by hormonal and chemical imbalances which trigger emotional responses which are rarely (if ever) logical or rational.

Personally, back in my youth I allowed my fear of getting hurt lead to one of my greatest regrets. His name is Bradly. I have been kicking my own ass for about 20 years ever since.

Understand that most regrets are not based on the things we did, but based on the things we didn't do. Things like not taking a chance and risking injury to the heart in matters of love.

Yes if he rejects you it will hurt. Hurt is part of life, and it never really lasts forever (and it so rarely kills people we can say that it won't kill you). It is a small price to pay in the gamble that this is your 'Happily Ever After'.

Even if this falls through, I assure you there are rewards for having taken the risk... You already have positive, happy moments to carry with you - plus you have learned a few lessons about who you are. Those lessons, if you decide to apply them in life properly, will improve your chances of finding a rewarding relationship further down the road.

So while it may feel like a huge loss, it is actually a lot of little wins even if this doesn't pan out.

[neonlj]

...

All of this sounds really interesting, but I'm struggling to form it into the precise advice you're giving me.

[jimcrackcorn]

If you are developing feelings for this guy, then you need to start courting (wooing) him.

Each time you get to spend time with him,,, do things that create a romantic atmosphere. Simple things like giving him a flower or small present, using candles for a nice dinner at his place or yours. Take walks together in a park or on a beach. Touch his hand occasionally to show affection.

Gradually increase the time you spend together from twice a week, to three and four times a week (if possible).

And don't forget about the romance while having sex - cuddling, kissing, complementing him on his beautiful body, etc. In other words, show passion & love in the bed.

Courtship lets the guy know that you are interested in more than just friendship and/or sex. If he responds in a likewise manner toward your courting him, then break-out the Champagne and let the relationship begin.

And, like the other posters have mentioned, don't be afraid of getting hurt.

I wish you the best,
Jim