Anyone else feel like they still have something to hide?

[thisLIFE]

I came out a few years ago, but I still feel like I have to hide it...
Anyone else feel this way, or am I crazy?

Like any time I encounter something gay, I still find my self embarrassed about it I guess. Like watching a gay movie on Netflix (not porn) I find myself turning the volume down or putting on headphones. Or when a friend brings up something gay or straight, I shy away from the conversation. I just try to not even bring it up.

Or when i tell someone I'm gay I do it in hushed words... stuff like that

What do you guys think, am I bat shit crazy?

[Wolfpack]

No you are not crazy at all.

Even when we have come out of the closet we can struggle from time to time.

I believe when we are in the closet we are partly trapped by shame,we feel shamed by what we are.I think is it only natural that shame does not just vanish over night.

I think just have to continue to remind our selves that we have nothing to be ashamed off,and carry on to self identify as gay men.

You are not the only to struggle like this,and after all that is what sites like are for to offer help and to support each other.

[nullnaught]

After years of kissing my boyfriend in public it still feels odd.

[CellarDweller]

No, not odd at all. It will pass in time.

[Mark]

I've worked in my current work place for nearly 6 years - and even last week one girl that Ive worked with came up to me asking if Im gay because someone mentioned it.. I was like oh I thought people knew? So I guess on some mental level I do hide it?

[thisLIFE]

After years of kissing my boyfriend in public it still feels odd.

I was totally fine with pda at first. Its weird, its like things changed after coming out, and I totally embraced being public about it... But then things seemed to just recluse back into being ashamed about it. Hard to use the word ashamed, but can't think of another word for it.

[Wade]

Dude... I totally relate. I'm out and all, but still feel like I have to apologize anytime my gayness comes up in conversation with friends. I started wearing occasional Pride paraphernalia to specifically rid myself of this problem, and it's helped a lot. But I still sometimes feel wierd even if someone mentions it. Like someone might say "hey, cool belt" (which is rainbow colored) and I'll make some lame joke like "Yeah, I'm finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of dressing as a full time clown... I'm just starting with the belt and working my way vertical." I say this even though it's clear that the person I'm talking to DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT I'M GAY!!! They went out of their way to say "Hey cool gay belt" and it's still hard to just say "Yeah, it is a cool gay belt, ain't it?"


But... it's gotten a lot easier, and I've relaxed a lot about it. Just stop giving a shit about other people man, that's my advice. You know who you are, other people's issues are other people's issues.

You just have to get used to the idea that you're gay, and despite whatever our culture tries to tell us, the fact that we're gay doesn't make us any different from anyone else apart from who we love.

[ChadCoxRox]

Doing things in public Gay culture helped me the most during my period in this same boat. Then doing things in general public as a community service, like volunteering at the soup kitchen and shelter, hosting recovery support meetings, being on county committees, etc. as an adult, professional gay man has really brought me full circle to comfort and confidence.

My best advice is be gentle but firm with yourself and use your supports. Like here! Great thread and I love how you shared it. It really makes me take inventory of what I have to be thankful for and where I might find ways to grow still!

[HumbleTangerine]

Hmmm, well I'm not ashamed of being gay or anything, but I guess I'm less open about my sexual life than most of my friends are. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a sort of private person in general, or because I still feel kind of embarrassed when discussing gay sex. I mean man on man sex usually sounds pretty gross in description, even to me, so I don't know, it feels strange. Oh and I acted all casual and nonchalant when watching Brokeback Mountain with some friends, when in reality I was really excited about it. BEFORE watching the movie that is, I was strangely disappointed afterwards.

[thisLIFE]

I started wearing occasional Pride paraphernalia to specifically rid myself of this problem, and it's helped a lot.

Funny, I have been thinking about doing the same thing. I just want a shirt that says something like "Yeah I like guys, live with it."

I feel like I would be too shy about it when I wear it though, kind of like you said. Like walking around with it, I would just be timid of people's reactions. I guess it would be a good way to break the habit though, if people keep mentioning it eventually you'll get used to it.

Good food for thought, I'll have to look online lol no way I'm comfortable shopping for some gay gear in public.