04-17-2014, 12:32 AM
Hello everyone.
I suppose this (or at least a similar one) is a common story for some of us, be it at work as in my case, or at school or anywhere else. But here it goes.
I have been working at a company for about a year now and I've recently fallen desperately in love with this amazing guy colleague of mine.
Background
I am in deep in the closet and it is completely out of the question coming out to anyone at work or anywhere at this point. I have known I am gay since about 5th grade, although I have come to accept myself only after I turned 18. I've had two girlfriends by then, and for one of them I've had really strong feelings which I thought must be love. However, it turned out I have been very, very wrong. I have never been in love with a man before. I am 24 now but have never had a boyfriend. I have been sexually attracted to men since I have known myself... But this is beside the point here.
The story
At my current workplace, I met this incredible guy on one of the very first days. We are in the same department, but I am 3 years younger and he was practically training me in the very beginning and introducing me to some software. When I met him and started working with him, my opinion of him was completely different. Sure, I noticed he was very attractive, extremely handsome, with huge green eyes, quite fit, impressively muscular, with great tanned skin. He is simply a perfectly looking man. But I never assumed he was gay. My first impression was that he was annoying, very impatient, somehow gossipy and a little too self-obsessed. Overconfidence, in his case, was of course - a given. Although he explained things clearly and in a very structured way when he was training me, he was always behaving somehow too cocky and in way that showed he was most interested in how he looked in the eyes of our superiors than in way that could teach me something. And this pushed me away. Then we got into separate shifts and we rarely saw each other or communicated. Whenever we were in one shift, we were not being close at all.
All this changed several months ago. At first, he started making jokes, starting coming to talk to me. Even when I was trying to avoid him, he somehow managed to come and say something, ask how I was doing... And don't be deceived - I am quite clear this was him being nice and friendly and has nothing to do with him being attracted to me. I am not confusing those things. But things didn't stay like that.
My shifts changed. I got to work with him. I also got to train him in something that only I was able to do. At some point he started talking to me about personal things. He started sitting next to me, very closely. Most of the time he was next to me on my desk he was getting very close, intimately close, to the point where his head was so close to my arm that I could feel his breath on it. Also, he was leaning towards me when he was standing up in such a way, that his face was literally 1 finger away from mine. He even whispered in my ear several times. This was really bothering me because I felt incredibly attracted to him sexually but I was sure he was not gay. At least that is what I thought.
My suspicions
I decided that I need to test whether he is not gay, just in case. At that point, I was still not attracted to him in any other way except physically. I used our training time together to be at his desk and help him by standing the same way close to him as he was before with me. I was leaning, gently touching him. I was talking very close, slightly whispering. I even put my hands below his when I was reaching for something on his desk. He was not moving away, as I expected. He was actually looking in my eyes - he was turning his head to look at my face, without trying to pull away. I felt stared at.
Then we had several night shifts together. And things got very confusing for me. He was staring at me whenever possible, especially when I was looking at him. One day I put my legs behind his chair and started rubbing them gently on the back of that chair while he was sitting. He smiled. We laughed a lot, had a great time during all night shifts. We talked, we watched movies, we listened to music, we even danced for while (not together). But most importantly, that is when I felt I was falling in love with him. Quickly, deeply and desperately. I rediscovered him when we were alone during the nights. He was actually a very smart, very interesting person, who behaves completely differently when many people are there and when he is alone. He is interested in so many things, many of which are of interest to me as well. He listens to the same music, he likes the same celebrities, he watches the same shows... I found out we had sooo much in common. We could talk and laugh for hours. I knew I was completely in love.
And I knew it was wrong because I did not know if he was gay. I saw him pull away sometimes, for work as it seemed. But then on one of our last night shifts together, we had a very irresistible (at least to me) episode. He was at my desk, explaining something. He had leaned in his usual being-close-to-me way, pressing his chin against his fist, with his head virtually next to my hand. I was leaning to look at one of the monitors farther away from me on his side. He did not look at the monitor! He turned his head and I turned mine... We were centimeters apart and stared into each other's eyes. For a length of time unacceptable for straight guys!!! Those green eyes are still eating me inside!
The torture
I was the one that pulled away after that "staring" accident. First of all, because I was still unsure if he was gay and I did not want to out myself accidentally in the process of finding this out. Second of all, because I was hooked. I got so hooked that I could not trust myself - I wanted to kiss and hug him. Then and all the time after that. I was almost sure I would not be able to resist him anymore. And now I cannot stand next to him, although I am forced to, every day.
I am trying to avoid being next to him. And this hurts so much! On the one hand, I cannot stand being near him, because he smells incredible, he looks incredible, he speaks with this alluringly soft voice that makes me melt. On the other hand, I cannot go through a day without him - I feel so attached and mesmerized that when he is not there, I feel like my world has ended. His jokes and funny comments make my day. His eyes are all I dream of during the night. His body is so perfect that I just want to go, hug him and sink into him (and I don't mean that in any sexual context). When I am with him, I feel protected and fulfilled. When I am not, all I think is him.
And I am praying to God that he loved me the way I have come to love him. I am so deeply in love that I cannot bear not being with him or being with him - it is driving me mad! I was crying when all night shifts ended without a kiss or something more... because I was hoping he would do something. After all, he started all of that. My disappointment was so huge, I was ready to quit my job at that point. But couldn't afford to. So I cried every day after work! I would lie if I say I didn't have suicidal thoughts. It is becoming really unbearable all this.... unrequited love!
My question
I really don't want to ask you for the usual stuff you guys, but I need some advice. I know that saying what I feel directly to him is one suggestion, but this is unacceptable at this point. Quitting my job right now is also impossible. And things of the sort "having a relationship of any type, gay or straight, with a coworker, is bad/not recommended" are really not relevant here. So "forget about him" is completely out the question. In fact, if I leave him or my work or anything in this manner, I could actually die! I am so desperate!
PS: He does not have girlfriend and has never had one. He is also looking after guys, I catch him very frequently when we are outside. He also mentioned one time he would like to have more shifts with me only. And, to top that, even the most beautiful girls on the street do not turn his head around when he is talking to me and looking at me.... (although in front of the other guys, he keeps talking about some "attractive women" etc. somehwere else, whom noone has seen). But I am still not convinced he is gay because I might be seeing only what I desperately desire to see...
Please, help me!
I suppose this (or at least a similar one) is a common story for some of us, be it at work as in my case, or at school or anywhere else. But here it goes.
I have been working at a company for about a year now and I've recently fallen desperately in love with this amazing guy colleague of mine.
Background
I am in deep in the closet and it is completely out of the question coming out to anyone at work or anywhere at this point. I have known I am gay since about 5th grade, although I have come to accept myself only after I turned 18. I've had two girlfriends by then, and for one of them I've had really strong feelings which I thought must be love. However, it turned out I have been very, very wrong. I have never been in love with a man before. I am 24 now but have never had a boyfriend. I have been sexually attracted to men since I have known myself... But this is beside the point here.
The story
At my current workplace, I met this incredible guy on one of the very first days. We are in the same department, but I am 3 years younger and he was practically training me in the very beginning and introducing me to some software. When I met him and started working with him, my opinion of him was completely different. Sure, I noticed he was very attractive, extremely handsome, with huge green eyes, quite fit, impressively muscular, with great tanned skin. He is simply a perfectly looking man. But I never assumed he was gay. My first impression was that he was annoying, very impatient, somehow gossipy and a little too self-obsessed. Overconfidence, in his case, was of course - a given. Although he explained things clearly and in a very structured way when he was training me, he was always behaving somehow too cocky and in way that showed he was most interested in how he looked in the eyes of our superiors than in way that could teach me something. And this pushed me away. Then we got into separate shifts and we rarely saw each other or communicated. Whenever we were in one shift, we were not being close at all.
All this changed several months ago. At first, he started making jokes, starting coming to talk to me. Even when I was trying to avoid him, he somehow managed to come and say something, ask how I was doing... And don't be deceived - I am quite clear this was him being nice and friendly and has nothing to do with him being attracted to me. I am not confusing those things. But things didn't stay like that.
My shifts changed. I got to work with him. I also got to train him in something that only I was able to do. At some point he started talking to me about personal things. He started sitting next to me, very closely. Most of the time he was next to me on my desk he was getting very close, intimately close, to the point where his head was so close to my arm that I could feel his breath on it. Also, he was leaning towards me when he was standing up in such a way, that his face was literally 1 finger away from mine. He even whispered in my ear several times. This was really bothering me because I felt incredibly attracted to him sexually but I was sure he was not gay. At least that is what I thought.
My suspicions
I decided that I need to test whether he is not gay, just in case. At that point, I was still not attracted to him in any other way except physically. I used our training time together to be at his desk and help him by standing the same way close to him as he was before with me. I was leaning, gently touching him. I was talking very close, slightly whispering. I even put my hands below his when I was reaching for something on his desk. He was not moving away, as I expected. He was actually looking in my eyes - he was turning his head to look at my face, without trying to pull away. I felt stared at.
Then we had several night shifts together. And things got very confusing for me. He was staring at me whenever possible, especially when I was looking at him. One day I put my legs behind his chair and started rubbing them gently on the back of that chair while he was sitting. He smiled. We laughed a lot, had a great time during all night shifts. We talked, we watched movies, we listened to music, we even danced for while (not together). But most importantly, that is when I felt I was falling in love with him. Quickly, deeply and desperately. I rediscovered him when we were alone during the nights. He was actually a very smart, very interesting person, who behaves completely differently when many people are there and when he is alone. He is interested in so many things, many of which are of interest to me as well. He listens to the same music, he likes the same celebrities, he watches the same shows... I found out we had sooo much in common. We could talk and laugh for hours. I knew I was completely in love.
And I knew it was wrong because I did not know if he was gay. I saw him pull away sometimes, for work as it seemed. But then on one of our last night shifts together, we had a very irresistible (at least to me) episode. He was at my desk, explaining something. He had leaned in his usual being-close-to-me way, pressing his chin against his fist, with his head virtually next to my hand. I was leaning to look at one of the monitors farther away from me on his side. He did not look at the monitor! He turned his head and I turned mine... We were centimeters apart and stared into each other's eyes. For a length of time unacceptable for straight guys!!! Those green eyes are still eating me inside!
The torture
I was the one that pulled away after that "staring" accident. First of all, because I was still unsure if he was gay and I did not want to out myself accidentally in the process of finding this out. Second of all, because I was hooked. I got so hooked that I could not trust myself - I wanted to kiss and hug him. Then and all the time after that. I was almost sure I would not be able to resist him anymore. And now I cannot stand next to him, although I am forced to, every day.
I am trying to avoid being next to him. And this hurts so much! On the one hand, I cannot stand being near him, because he smells incredible, he looks incredible, he speaks with this alluringly soft voice that makes me melt. On the other hand, I cannot go through a day without him - I feel so attached and mesmerized that when he is not there, I feel like my world has ended. His jokes and funny comments make my day. His eyes are all I dream of during the night. His body is so perfect that I just want to go, hug him and sink into him (and I don't mean that in any sexual context). When I am with him, I feel protected and fulfilled. When I am not, all I think is him.
And I am praying to God that he loved me the way I have come to love him. I am so deeply in love that I cannot bear not being with him or being with him - it is driving me mad! I was crying when all night shifts ended without a kiss or something more... because I was hoping he would do something. After all, he started all of that. My disappointment was so huge, I was ready to quit my job at that point. But couldn't afford to. So I cried every day after work! I would lie if I say I didn't have suicidal thoughts. It is becoming really unbearable all this.... unrequited love!
My question
I really don't want to ask you for the usual stuff you guys, but I need some advice. I know that saying what I feel directly to him is one suggestion, but this is unacceptable at this point. Quitting my job right now is also impossible. And things of the sort "having a relationship of any type, gay or straight, with a coworker, is bad/not recommended" are really not relevant here. So "forget about him" is completely out the question. In fact, if I leave him or my work or anything in this manner, I could actually die! I am so desperate!
PS: He does not have girlfriend and has never had one. He is also looking after guys, I catch him very frequently when we are outside. He also mentioned one time he would like to have more shifts with me only. And, to top that, even the most beautiful girls on the street do not turn his head around when he is talking to me and looking at me.... (although in front of the other guys, he keeps talking about some "attractive women" etc. somehwere else, whom noone has seen). But I am still not convinced he is gay because I might be seeing only what I desperately desire to see...
Please, help me!