Unrequited Love at Work

[Cole]

Hello everyone.

I suppose this (or at least a similar one) is a common story for some of us, be it at work as in my case, or at school or anywhere else. But here it goes.

I have been working at a company for about a year now and I've recently fallen desperately in love with this amazing guy colleague of mine.

Background

I am in deep in the closet and it is completely out of the question coming out to anyone at work or anywhere at this point. I have known I am gay since about 5th grade, although I have come to accept myself only after I turned 18. I've had two girlfriends by then, and for one of them I've had really strong feelings which I thought must be love. However, it turned out I have been very, very wrong. I have never been in love with a man before. I am 24 now but have never had a boyfriend. I have been sexually attracted to men since I have known myself... But this is beside the point here.

The story

At my current workplace, I met this incredible guy on one of the very first days. We are in the same department, but I am 3 years younger and he was practically training me in the very beginning and introducing me to some software. When I met him and started working with him, my opinion of him was completely different. Sure, I noticed he was very attractive, extremely handsome, with huge green eyes, quite fit, impressively muscular, with great tanned skin. He is simply a perfectly looking man. But I never assumed he was gay. My first impression was that he was annoying, very impatient, somehow gossipy and a little too self-obsessed. Overconfidence, in his case, was of course - a given. Although he explained things clearly and in a very structured way when he was training me, he was always behaving somehow too cocky and in way that showed he was most interested in how he looked in the eyes of our superiors than in way that could teach me something. And this pushed me away. Then we got into separate shifts and we rarely saw each other or communicated. Whenever we were in one shift, we were not being close at all.

All this changed several months ago. At first, he started making jokes, starting coming to talk to me. Even when I was trying to avoid him, he somehow managed to come and say something, ask how I was doing... And don't be deceived - I am quite clear this was him being nice and friendly and has nothing to do with him being attracted to me. I am not confusing those things. But things didn't stay like that.

My shifts changed. I got to work with him. I also got to train him in something that only I was able to do. At some point he started talking to me about personal things. He started sitting next to me, very closely. Most of the time he was next to me on my desk he was getting very close, intimately close, to the point where his head was so close to my arm that I could feel his breath on it. Also, he was leaning towards me when he was standing up in such a way, that his face was literally 1 finger away from mine. He even whispered in my ear several times. This was really bothering me because I felt incredibly attracted to him sexually but I was sure he was not gay. At least that is what I thought.

My suspicions

I decided that I need to test whether he is not gay, just in case. At that point, I was still not attracted to him in any other way except physically. I used our training time together to be at his desk and help him by standing the same way close to him as he was before with me. I was leaning, gently touching him. I was talking very close, slightly whispering. I even put my hands below his when I was reaching for something on his desk. He was not moving away, as I expected. He was actually looking in my eyes - he was turning his head to look at my face, without trying to pull away. I felt stared at.

Then we had several night shifts together. And things got very confusing for me. He was staring at me whenever possible, especially when I was looking at him. One day I put my legs behind his chair and started rubbing them gently on the back of that chair while he was sitting. He smiled. We laughed a lot, had a great time during all night shifts. We talked, we watched movies, we listened to music, we even danced for while (not together). But most importantly, that is when I felt I was falling in love with him. Quickly, deeply and desperately. I rediscovered him when we were alone during the nights. He was actually a very smart, very interesting person, who behaves completely differently when many people are there and when he is alone. He is interested in so many things, many of which are of interest to me as well. He listens to the same music, he likes the same celebrities, he watches the same shows... I found out we had sooo much in common. We could talk and laugh for hours. I knew I was completely in love.

And I knew it was wrong because I did not know if he was gay. I saw him pull away sometimes, for work as it seemed. But then on one of our last night shifts together, we had a very irresistible (at least to me) episode. He was at my desk, explaining something. He had leaned in his usual being-close-to-me way, pressing his chin against his fist, with his head virtually next to my hand. I was leaning to look at one of the monitors farther away from me on his side. He did not look at the monitor! He turned his head and I turned mine... We were centimeters apart and stared into each other's eyes. For a length of time unacceptable for straight guys!!! Those green eyes are still eating me inside!

The torture

I was the one that pulled away after that "staring" accident. First of all, because I was still unsure if he was gay and I did not want to out myself accidentally in the process of finding this out. Second of all, because I was hooked. I got so hooked that I could not trust myself - I wanted to kiss and hug him. Then and all the time after that. I was almost sure I would not be able to resist him anymore. And now I cannot stand next to him, although I am forced to, every day.

I am trying to avoid being next to him. And this hurts so much! On the one hand, I cannot stand being near him, because he smells incredible, he looks incredible, he speaks with this alluringly soft voice that makes me melt. On the other hand, I cannot go through a day without him - I feel so attached and mesmerized that when he is not there, I feel like my world has ended. His jokes and funny comments make my day. His eyes are all I dream of during the night. His body is so perfect that I just want to go, hug him and sink into him (and I don't mean that in any sexual context). When I am with him, I feel protected and fulfilled. When I am not, all I think is him.

And I am praying to God that he loved me the way I have come to love him. I am so deeply in love that I cannot bear not being with him or being with him - it is driving me mad! I was crying when all night shifts ended without a kiss or something more... because I was hoping he would do something. After all, he started all of that. My disappointment was so huge, I was ready to quit my job at that point. But couldn't afford to. So I cried every day after work! I would lie if I say I didn't have suicidal thoughts. It is becoming really unbearable all this.... unrequited love!

My question

I really don't want to ask you for the usual stuff you guys, but I need some advice. I know that saying what I feel directly to him is one suggestion, but this is unacceptable at this point. Quitting my job right now is also impossible. And things of the sort "having a relationship of any type, gay or straight, with a coworker, is bad/not recommended" are really not relevant here. So "forget about him" is completely out the question. In fact, if I leave him or my work or anything in this manner, I could actually die! I am so desperate!

PS: He does not have girlfriend and has never had one. He is also looking after guys, I catch him very frequently when we are outside. He also mentioned one time he would like to have more shifts with me only. And, to top that, even the most beautiful girls on the street do not turn his head around when he is talking to me and looking at me.... (although in front of the other guys, he keeps talking about some "attractive women" etc. somehwere else, whom noone has seen). But I am still not convinced he is gay because I might be seeing only what I desperately desire to see...

Please, help me!

[ChadCoxRox]

Oh My Word what a detailed post!!!!! Silly old green-eyed monster. You could definitely develop this story. Sorry to sound glib but it's 4 in da mornin' and I'm really tired, but I reviewed before closing and saw your thread with NO replies! It does even seem to have had any views! Seems strange.

Anyway, this is such a common theme in so many many many of the threads and if you are as interested in hearing feedback as you seem to be in chronicalling the matter my best advice is to take some time to read through some of the threads and research it. GS has a WEALTH of the exact feedback you are searching for.

As you described I could almost feel the tension and attraction and discomfort. Very visceral.

I hope you'll let us all know how it all works out over time!!! You can be cool and let it be so in time you've protected your job and integrity...but is that what you want most?

[Wolfpack]

Hello Cole and welcome to gs

I think it"s a bit to early to think you are in love with this guy love takes time,that is not to say that the attraction you have for him is not real but maybe just more like a crush at this stage.

Do not let anything happen between while at work or you could get in deep trouble ( i am sure you will not anyway)

The easy way to find out if he is gay ( sounds like he is )........ just ask him.

If do both decide to pursue something between you,how do you expect this to be able to progress if you are unable or unwilling to come out the closet? You would have to carry on in secret and at some point you will come to a dead end,with your feelings most likely getting hurt.

Most of all you need to know where you stand with him and ask yourself and him some questions.
Is he gay?
is he out?
is he just leading you on?
What are his intentions friendship,sex or dating?

I think you are practical person at heart so do not let your intense feelings ( and you sound in quite a bit of pain ) cloud your thinking and actions
Good luck.

[Mark]

I would agree just ask him outright if he's into guys and go from there.. with the whole relationships in work nobody has to know to start with and if he turns out not to be into guys then all this torture was for nothing! So just outright ask him

[Cole]

@CCRox

I know it is a common theme, but I think the specifics merit a somewhat different discussion. I had reviewed all comments and topics on the same issue and none of them seem to be working for me. That is why I decided to put it separately and in detail - so that some important nuances could be understood properly. Anyway, thank you for your comment and advice. I have not protected anything yet actually. I feel like everything is hanging by a thin thread. I will explain why below. But that is not what I want most, of course - it is just unaffordable to me to lose this job right now. Probably after some time, but not now. The moment is really bad for unemployment.

@Wolfpack

I am definitely not mistaking a crush for falling genuinely in love. I have had crushes and they felt nothing like that. Yes, when you have a crush on somebody you feel tension, you think about them most of the time... But here I am talking serious stuff. Like, I cannot imagine to go on with my life if I lose this person. Like his presence gives meaning to my days, my work, everything. Like - I am prepared to sacrifice myself, to throw myself into fire for that man. Like I would like to spend the rest of my life with this person, even if I rejected by all my relatives and my family. That is a feeling I have never had for any of my crushes.

The problem about asking straightforward or coming out directly is the following. There is an unofficial anti-gay culture at my office of the company. We are 44 men. Everyone is assumed to be straight and everyone is assumed to be able to work with other men without distractions. Moreover, gays are directly sworn at, neglected, insulted... I hear my colleagues naming anyone who makes a mistake "that fucking fag", "that shitty incompetent fairy" etc. - it is practically a rule there that if you are gay, then you must screw up; and if you have screwed something up - then you are definitely a fag... That pisses me off, sometimes I feel like shouting and screaming out loud after such sentences, but I cannot afford to - I NEED THE JOB! And yes, I know there are other jobs, but there aren't really - I have been looking for this one for so long.

Further, my coming out is out of the question right now because I started to climb up the career ladder thanks to my impeccable work and efforts. And I already know that gays do not go up... They warned me so.

I am thinking of coming out to him personally, as you suggested. I don't know which is the best way to do that, however. I am very confused. I cannot do it at work. I cannot ask him to a coffee alone. I cannot do it on facebook. Not over the phone as well. It would have been nice at some night shift when were alone, but those are over now. There is one thing, however. I am deadly scared of his reaction and response. What if he starts to avoid me completely? What if blatantly ignores everything and starts being angry at me? What if he decides that this is too much information for him? Worse off, what if he says he is not into guys or not into me at all? I know all of this sounds silly, but all of those freak me out completely!!! I am afraid to lose him as a friend, as a trainer at work, as a helpful ally...

This is what causes me so much pain. Not the feelings themselves, but the unimaginable consequences of every single possible outcome except for one - the one I would most hope to happen.... And this fear, combined with the threat to my career after coming out, is why I feel this thin thread tearing slowly apart... Why those are related - because, as I mentioned before, he is veery gossipy - to an extent unprecedented for a straight guy. But he does it in such a way that it comes out as an outright joke, while in reality I am the only one who hears it exactly as it is - a direct gossip. Anyways, I am afraid he would not keep his mouth shut about me even if I confess under a condition of complete silence from his side... And that would actually kill me - the embarrassment after all this talk about gay-related hatred at work, could and in fact would end me!

So my point is - I see no winning move in any direction...