Trust Issues

[Pyromancer]

My bf has a co-worker, Jesse, who he considered a friend and we hung out with sometimes. A couple weeks ago, Jesse called me and told me that even though Kev was his friend, he couldn't stand seeing me treated so badly because Kevin was cheating on me. I stopped him right there and told him I was hanging up and not to call me again...and I warned Kev to watch his back around Jesse. Another friend filled us in later on Jesse's actual agenda in making up the lies. Kev confronted Jesse, and they aren't friendly anymore.

So...I was telling the story to a few of my friends and none of them could believe that I'd just hung up on Jesse. The general consensus was that I should have gotten all the details and then demanded an explanation from Kev. When I pointed out that he hadn't actually been cheating, their reply was, But you didn't know that!

Well...yeah...I kinda did. I told them that I trust him not to cheat and he trusts me to know that he won't. And vice versa. According to them, I'm apparently dumber than dirt...naïve, clueless, pathetic...

When did love become an adversarial game where the goal is to get one-up on your lover while defending your position at all costs? Kev and I were best friends before we became a couple, and in the 3 1/2 years I've known him, he's always been honest with me...even when he knew that his honesty would cause me pain in the moment. Does that change because we now have an intimate relationship? I know how I feel and I don't much care what anyone else thinks...but I have to confess that I've been thinking about this a lot. I guess my question is, are Kev and I that weird? Deluded? Or are there others who feel the same way?

[East]

One of the stumbling blocks in a relationship are the devious "friends" who have all kinds of agendas....one major one is trying to pit people against each other...and then they sit back and watch the fire they started burn......

Seen it so many times..........

There are a lot of other things to beware of as well.....

I am not sure what they get out of it....but yeah....I have had all kinds of people in the nightclub tell me all kinds of crap and I don't buy into any of it. I see it for what it is.

So...I often say I have not said a bad word to anyone about my lover ...been almost 30 years now .....and I never will. THIS is one of the reasons why.

When you go around whining about your lovers....you invite these little parasites into your life....

Good job on shutting him down BTW! I am impressed!

I do trust my lover. I have an advantage I guess having grown up with a manipulative psychopath for a mother and as I think the bigger the cloud...the bigger the silver lining....I got to see exactly what people are capable of...no Leave it to Beaver in my House LOL

[MikeW]

According to them, I'm apparently dumber than dirt...naïve, clueless, pathetic...

WOW... Good for you on shutting down Jesse full stop! And, yeah, the question you're posing re adversaries, is a very good one...

My observation is that people (including myself) don't know how to take responsibility for their lives, for their choices, decisions and actions. SO (for example) I get involved with someone who betrays my trust and I, rather than taking responsibility for having gotten involved with this person in the first place, BLAME THEM for having betrayed me. The blaming gets me off the hook and allows me to IGNORE, not only my responsibility (what I put into the pot), but also ignore how untrustworthy *I* am. It all becomes about drama and gossip and finger pointing and "my shit doesn't stink," etc.

Some people are so caught up in these sort of soap-opera lives, it's all they know, indeed, all they are.

[East]

WOW... Good for you on shutting down Jesse full stop! And, yeah, the question you're posing re adversaries, is a very good one...

My observation is that people (including myself) don't know how to take responsibility for their lives, for their choices, decisions and actions. SO (for example) I get involved with someone who betrays my trust and I, rather than taking responsibility for having gotten involved with this person in the first place, BLAME THEM for having betrayed me. The blaming gets me off the hook and allows me to IGNORE, not only my responsibility (what I put into the pot), but also ignore how untrustworthy *I* am. It all becomes about drama and gossip and finger pointing and "my shit doesn't stink," etc.

Some people are so caught up in these sort of soap-opera lives, it's all they know, indeed, all they are.

OK...I think I want to kiss you for saying that.

The person like Pyromancer described...they want you to fall in a pit of victimhood.....it makes me want to hurl. I want to call them snakes...but snakes are way nicer and are exactly what they appear to be.

[meridannight]

So...I was telling the story to a few of my friends and none of them could believe that I'd just hung up on Jesse. The general consensus was that I should have gotten all the details and then demanded an explanation from Kev. When I pointed out that he hadn't actually been cheating, their reply was, But you didn't know that!

Well...yeah...I kinda did. I told them that I trust him not to cheat and he trusts me to know that he won't. And vice versa. According to them, I'm apparently dumber than dirt...naïve, clueless, pathetic...

When did love become an adversarial game where the goal is to get one-up on your lover while defending your position at all costs? Kev and I were best friends before we became a couple, and in the 3 1/2 years I've known him, he's always been honest with me...even when he knew that his honesty would cause me pain in the moment. Does that change because we now have an intimate relationship? I know how I feel and I don't much care what anyone else thinks...but I have to confess that I've been thinking about this a lot. I guess my question is, are Kev and I that weird? Deluded? Or are there others who feel the same way?

it's not weird. i think it's about knowing your partner and the people, and reading the cues in their behavior right. you know the two guys, and you can make up your mind about the validity of what they are saying/doing at any moment in time given the context. if that call had come at a time when you would've had reason to suspect your partner of cheating yourself, and/or from someone else you also trust a lot, it may have elicited a different reaction.

even if the situation had been reversed, it is still more admirable to stick by the man you love than to give the time of day to someone who may or may not be telling the truth about him behind his back.

i think you've got your priorities straight. you went to your partner about the call, and i absolutely agree that that was the right thing to do. i don't see much anything incredible in what you did there. i only see being in full awareness of your life and a fully adequate response in a committed relationship.

[JohnSomebody]

I am the kind of guy who tends to keep what goes on in my relationship between just me and the guy that I'm in the relationship with because I've seen over and over again jealous guys who go to now end to throw salt into relationships of those individuals who are happy with being together. Many times I do believe that this is due to when you whine or share personal details about your relationship and assuming more than likely that those whom you are sharing this information with have your best interest at heart when a lot of times...they really don't. One thing about dating mature men at a young age...you learn a lot being around them and you will attain so much knowledge beyond your years that can save you from a lot of drama.

I remember finding out that this one guy I was seeing had a big mouth and would share intimate details of our sexual relationship with his friends. I found out because I happened to walk in on him blabbing his mouth about this. I got so angry at him and yet...he did not understand why I was. I told him that this was the worst thing he could do because nine times out of ten...when you share that kind of information...rest assured that those guys are just "taking notes" and waiting for the day when they can use that information for their own interest. He did not believe me and do you know that when we stopped seeing each other...naturally...he told his friends and believe me...I received calls from every last one of them wanting to hookup with me. So kudos for you for shutting things down before they got far out of hand.

[CellarDweller]

Just because the people who are questioning you don't know their partners as well as you do, nor trust them as much as you trust yours, doesn't make you dumber than dirt...naïve, clueless, pathetic...

It means you're better at relationships than they are.