Hey from India, from a soul lost in an enlightened land

[Ram]

Heyy, I'm Ram from Bangalore. I've been suggested this site to kind of find someone who can empathize with me. Life being gay in India is very challenging, because we are a very traditional society, but things change, slowly.

I've always been fairly effeminate, but identified as a gay guy when I was 12. Over the years, I've only been comfortable telling some of my closest of friends of my orientation, but now at 18 I realize that I believe now in being strong and not having to explain anything or defend your identity. I fell in love at 16. He was super straight. :p You can guess how that turned out?? haha, but here's the funny bit, he made a move on me first. After he publicly swore me off (such a brute), I relented to be in unidimensional love with this guy for two more years, until we changed paths for University. My life has been so defining, that I feel that I'm more isolated than empowered in my city. I can't find a gay guy that I can relate with or date from where I live because I find them lacking in confidence of life, which I believe I possess. I have tonnes of insecurities, heaven knows it, but my will to truly exchange the fruits of the mind pervades, I feel!

Still, I feel that my mind just isn't, blatantly said, "Indian". It's very frustrating because I know I cannot find the happiness I am constantly looking for, yes, I try looking within, but I guess I'm damaged from somewhere down the road, lost that charm that was gifted with my childhood. To be born in a land of 'enlightenment,' is more taxing because if you aren't happy even here, then you wonder where on this planet you will find peace. I was very worldly religious and spiritual until many of my close relatives passed away, after that I've been looking for Gods under every rock on every path. Life has been good to me, I was never really badly bullied, so my integrity is maintained, and after all that I've had my share of unspeakable sorrows, some unexplainable, so vague that I don't understand them often myself. Poetry has been a great release, song writing too. I feel like a fish trapped in a cage that's half in the water, so my situation is thus, one of little solution and of little problem altogether.

I am now stronger in many ways, but when I face my family, I am either paralyzed or I melt. Nothing is easy in my world, but at least the dogs that I've raised have loved me unconditionally and maybe I'm more lucky than I care to admit. My family loves me so much but I fear I may risk that love by being myself truly. I sincerely hope I can meet some people who will brighten me up and to whom I can bring a smile to. With this mini treatise, I officially say 'hey!!' Feel free and please do add me, email me and I'd love to get to personally know some of you amazing beautiful people out there

All I ask from you, is that you can take me away from my self imposed prison for a moment, at least in my thoughts, to a land ethereal!

[chillythoughts]

welcome dude. what genre of songs you write? I write pop and country.

also, how is india the country of enlightenment? that country is sooooo uncivilized. please "enlighten" me.
not trying to be a dick either.

[Wolfpack]

Hi Ram and welcome to gs
You have come to the right place , this site is very much about advice , support and making friends.
I am sure you will find plenty of people to chat to and make many friends here.

[CellarDweller]

welcome to the forum

[Ram]

welcome dude. what genre of songs you write? I write pop and country.

also, how is india the country of enlightenment? that country is sooooo uncivilized. please "enlighten" me.
not trying to be a dick either.

yeahh, that's a westernized Idea like the way it's portrayed in flicks and shit, but we haven't really found a way to unite for anything as a country except for shitty practises of societal dogma. ground reality sucks eggs. haha

[Ram]

welcome dude. what genre of songs you write? I write pop and country.

I write anything that comes into my head. Yeah maybe Indie Pop, Dance, ballads, and some rock, fusion is what I love

[Tulloni]

Hi Ram! Welcome to GS! Your post makes interesting reading. I sort of know what you mean. I am not very religious if I am honest and quite frankly I've absolutely no time for the monotheistic religions of Islam, Christianity, and Judaism and I am not impressed with the behaviour of many adherents of those religions either. However, having said that I actually hold more respect for the non-Abrahamic, polytheistic religions of Hinduism, Buddhism, Sikhism, Shintoism, etc. Which have been around a lot longer than the big 3 mentioned above and whose adherents seem to be less inclined to bomb others as well as themselves. I know adherents of those religions have in the past caused violents but the fact is proportionally, they seem less inclined to violence. Does anyone here know any violent Buddhists? By comparison, can anyone think of the last time they read in the papers about a violent threat carried out by a fundamentalist Christian or Muslim in the papers or that you've known of personally? I rest my case....

Having said all that, I am not religious. However, I am a bit spiritual and do believe in ghosts and spirits. I don't think science holds all the answers either - thinking so would be another sort of fundamentalism in itself!

But anyway, I am sorry to hear about the guy you liked not liking you back. We've all had that problem at some point I think! It's annoying I know! I hope you manage to find someone to love anyway!

But anyway, on the whole I really like Indian culture. I am pretty into Bollywood films and music. We've got a large Indian community in the UK and Indian cuisine is really big here too, so we get a lot of exposure to Indian culture.

[davearoo]

I've heard of families in India arranging marriages between their gay sons and other families' lesbian daughters. Would a plan like that make you feel any better?

[Letmar]

Hi Ram! welcome to the forum!

I hear your questions loud and clear!
-how come you are lost in one of the most spiritually developed places on earth?
-why is it that you can't seem to find mere solace in a place where most people find inner peace..?

If I am not mistaken, inner peace comes from within, and that is something your wonderful country has vast sources of knowledge on (yes wonderful country, learn a little something iborybenz) so, I guess what I am trying to say is:

you are well ahead in the road to self fulfilment Ram! you have taken steps many people wouldn't and although they might seem insignificant at this moment in time, trust and believe that they will come in handy in a few years.

I applaud you for exploring your creativity in the ways your soul sees fitting! and I encourage you to carry on with it!

Things always find a way to fall into place, all you have to do is keep growing and be patient..

Love and Light
Letmar