Father against me having a gay friend

[Anonymous]

I need your advice badly. I'm 17 years old guy and my father wants me to stop friendship with my friend ( I'm hetero, by the way). My friend is a guy of my age and he’s gay, that’s the main problem. Actually it’s not really a problem for me, I support gay people although no one in my family knows it. He’s a wonderful guy and we’re having great time together.

The problem is in my family. We’re all religious, including me, we’re Catholic. When my family found out about my friend being gay, they weren't accepting, especially my father. He explained to me calmly, but strictly that my friend is a sick person who has serious problems with his head and that he’s just pretending to be my friend only to get into my pants later. Finally my father categorically forbade me to see my friend ever again. When I tried to explain him gay people are just like everyone else, my dad was just like "don't answer back to me, you'll do as I say"

Now I don’t know what to do. It would be hard not to see each other at all, because we’re going in the same school and sometimes we have classes together. It feels good and interesting with him. Every day I come to school and I see him coming to me happy and smiling and I just cannot tell him that I can't be his friend anymore. We've Gay Straight Alliance in our school and sometimes I accompany my friend at the meetings, my father would kill me if he knew I do that. I want to keep this friendship, I really do. He's a real friend and I doubt he would come on to me.

But if my dad asks me is everything over between me and my friend, and I believe he will, because this topic is now very important to him, what do I say? I never lie to my parents, I just can't, I've been raised that way.

[Mark]

I'd never advise to lie to your parents - but I wouldn't say its fair of them to make you drop your friend. I guess its hard to give an answer as we don't know your parents. You need to just state you are friends and thats it and you don't want to close off the friendship.

Have you spoken to your mum and taken some advice from her on the subject? It might be worth it to get her insight and to see if she can calm your dad down. Other than that I honestly don't know what to say.

[matty7]

well firstly you have been brought up not to lie so don't start now, just not worth hiding things at all - your parents are of a different generation and remember its just going to be harder for them to change their views - the church has stuck by its damnation of gay people for so long that its only just now changing the wording about gay people for the better, I can only say that maybe you try to educate your parents of your friend ! is he religious himself ? does he do things for the community i.e school band, any help programs , just anything they cant demonize him for - good luck though

[Bowyn Aerrow]

First, I'm sorry. Its never a happy thing to deal with hatred. But it exists in the world and I fear that the older you get the more bigots you will meet in life.

Back when I was a kid I made the mistake of bringing home a new best friend. He was a great guy, made me laugh and feel good - not because I was attracted to him as a potential mate, just because he really was a good decent person.

That ended when my mother came home, walked into my room where we were studying - the first screams out her mouth were 'Get that nigger out of my house!'

Mind the screams over that 'incident' didn't end there, I was punished for daring to 'darken' the house with his presence. it was a horrible scene. I hated every moment of it (albeit it mother took things way to the extreme - her habit I guess). But I learned what I good from that 'error' and sought other ways to keep my friends (without mother finding out)

What did I learn - aside from the fact that my mother is a bigot (I already knew that)? I learned that there is no talking sense to a bigot. There is no 'break through' moment with bigotry and hatred. For every argument you can come up with to show 'reason' and 'rationality' to a bigot, they have a dozen more to prove to themselves that they are right in their 'righteous indignation'.

Well I didn't actually learn it wholeheartedly, I still argue with bigots, even though I know its a fools errand.

I ended up settling for just a school-time friendship with my friend. It was one of those lies I kept to myself... what mom doesn't know won't kill her (unfortunately).

I suggest you maintain the friendship outside of the house. And tell your friend that this is your parents and not you. He most likely will be very understanding, we gays (and black and Mexicans and.... well all minorities) have a decent understanding of what hatred is, how it works and we pretty much know that not everyone hates us and that bigots can give birth to non-bigots no matter how hard the bigot tries to program their offspring to be such.

This is only a temporary issue. Its only going to last for however long you remain under your folks roof. Eventually you will be in a situation where your folks have no leverage over you to dictate who you can and cannot be friends with.

Getting to that point means you need to keep secrets. Their (the parents) loss, not yours.

I normally do not advocate lying, it usually doesn't end well, however I acknowledge that for some things lying is an evil necessity, and this appears to be such a case.

You also have learned that its best to keep your gay friends away from your folks. An important lesson should you meet other LGBT who you like.

[princealbertofb]

"Love thy neighbour as thyself" is one of the commandments. Just remind your dad of that.
Also a "h-a-t-e-r" is a "h-e-a-r-t" all jumbled up.

[princealbertofb]

I also think the Pope, who is a high authority on Catholic thought, has said that gays shouldn't be hated but accepted.

[TimeSage]

I also think the Pope, who is a high authority on Catholic thought, has said that gays shouldn't be hated but accepted.

He has. I suggest the OP remind his father of this fact. Also perhaps with a cocky smirk on his face.

[Cuddly]

"Love thy neighbour as thyself" is one of the commandments. Just remind your dad of that.
Also a "h-a-t-e-r" is a "h-e-a-r-t" all jumbled up.

Awesome.. why did I never see that before?

I don't really understand why your father wouldn't want you around your gay friend. Gayness isn't contagious and should your friend ever come on to you, wouldn't that be the time to end the relationship, if necessary?

I can't imagine what I would've done if I were in your position at your age.. but now (25) I would've just laughed at my dad and told him he's crazy, in a loving way, ofc!

If your late teenage rebellion against your father is going to be you having a gay friend, then your dad should consider himself lucky. There are so many things, that are actually bad, you could take instead. Smoking, tattoos, goth dressing with purple makeup, piercings all over your face, drugs, excessive alcohol, making porn...

I feel sad for your friend. Seemingly he considers you a good friend. It would hurt him badly to lose you, just because he's gay.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Apparently few here understand how religion works.

The pope can say a lot of things, a lot of Catholics will only smirk and point out that all the popes before this particular pope was right, this one is wrong. Protistands don't five a flying.... what the pope says, most understand he is the False Prophet Jesus warns us about as it is written in the Book of Revelations (pluraled because the ignorant apparently can't understand its Revelation - just one, not many and from Jesus because they have no clue who wrote the Book of Revelation)

Yes Judge not lest ye be judged. All nice and pat but is it?

"The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment." (Psa 37:30 KJV)

"With my lips have I declared all the judgments of thy mouth." (Psa 119:13 KJV)

"Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy." (Prov 31:9 KJV)

Jesus commended Simon, "Thou hast rightly judged." (Luke 7:43 KJV)

Love thy neighbor as thyself. Seriously? Surely by now you understand that this only applies to people that God likes. Jesus did not (but did) abolish the law. Those laws we like were not abolished (like hating the gay), those laws we did not like (like eating pork, engaging in divorce) Jesus absolved on his death.

Thus 'love thy neighbor 'line does not apply to homosexuals, as well as witches and adulterers since they are abominations, and the proscribed method to deal with those, and also false prophets (and since you speak using the bible to tell us that homosexuals are worthy of gods love surely you are a false prophet) is stoning. Death. This is all loving and perfect because that is what God (the bible) has told us to do.

Kill Witches
You should not let a sorceress live. (Exodus 22:17 NAB)


Death for Adultery
If a man commits adultery with another man's wife, both the man and the woman must be put to death. (Leviticus 20:10 NLT)

Kill Homosexuals
"If a man lies with a male as with a women, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed; they have forfeited their lives." (Leviticus 20:13 NAB)
Kill False Prophets
If a man still prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall say to him, "You shall not live, because you have spoken a lie in the name of the Lord." When he prophesies, his parents, father and mother, shall thrust him through. (Zechariah 13:3 NAB)

oh and in case the OP is really upset, I strongly suggest you refrain from hitting your dad, apparently its a death sentence:

Death for Hitting Dad
Whoever strikes his father or mother shall be put to death. (Exodus 21:15 NAB)



The smart ones know how to use the bible as a weapon, the dumb ones only throw out things that they have heard and stick to blind belief - such as Jesus wrote the Book of Revelations Because they are so stupid they never read the tile page of the book of Revelation (singular not a plural!)

So is dad a smart christian or a dumb one? does it matter? Not really because you CANNOT WIN THIS WAR. Sorry.

Religion is malleable and a powerful weapon. I have fought for years, decades with scholars and the laity in religion, and each and every single time they have been able to come up with a plausible (albeit contextually false) rebuttal.

One cannot win the war fighting scripture with scripture. Trust me, many a clergy have presented evidence that the hatred of homosexuality is NOT what the bible means, and the hatred continues.

Can't win it with cutesy word play either. I don't care if hatred and heart are mixed up, Dad won't care either. It will piss him off because now his sissy son is mouthing off at him... And his son is definitely on the verge of becoming one of those sissies - we all know that homosexuals recruit.

This is not a war that can be won words. Dad has to be able to get over his heart problem (that hardenss of his heart) and has to be able to accept tolerance and love in his heart BEFORE he can accept gay affirming scripture or interpretation.

The best and only solution to dealing with dad is to respect his authority of his household and show him respect by not debating the issue. Keep the gay friends out of the house and meet them in secret. Once you get your own roof then you can dictate for yourself what happened under it.

Fighting a war or a battle with dad on this issue is a losing proposition.

[Anonymous]

My mother is really the same as my father, maybe less strict, but when it comes to gays, it seems that they two agree completely.

My dad always says he wants the best for me, as I'm his only child, and I believe he really wants that, but I can't agree when he claims gay people can't be trusted and will try to seduce you sooner or later and give you HIV.

I would like to be able to lie to my parents, but I can't. Maybe I should learn it somehow, cause I hate my parents messing with my life all the time. Although my dad says that as long as I live under his roof, I can't have a private life. It's off the topic, but is that true?

I'm really happy I found this place, you guys all seem very nice