I am lost.. and I don't know how to become un-lost

[1992]

Ok. First things first, I just turned 22 and am from America. However, I live now in Berlin Germany until the end of May studying. I am a little overweight and have lost around 30 pounds, but I still see myself as a huge, fat, ugly person that will be alone forever.
When I was back in the States, I felt just as lost. I would go to school, go to the gym, and then come home at 3PM and watch TV for the rest of the day. Every single day of the week. My life in a nut shell right there.
Maybe I will back up a little bit. I was in love with my straight best friend. He knew it, but obviously couldn't reciprocate the feelings. I would literally do anything for that man. At the time I probably would've taken a bullet for him. Well, he dropped out of college, and seeing that he no longer went there, I decided it was best to transfer to a school closer to family. Eventually me and him stopped being friends for whatever reason, however, not to my choosing. When I was living on campus with him and another friend, I had a much better time in life than without. Not to say that at times I didn't have very serious depression problems, because I did.
After transferring to my new university, I finally found what I wanted to major in. I got the chance to study abroad in Germany and I jumped on it thinking this is a great opportunity and maybe something life changing could happen. It hasn't.
While I absolutely LOVE Berlin, I am back to the same old habits I had back in the US. Sitting around watching TV. While Berlin has increased my sex life, it is nothing satisfying and nobody wants to stick around with me longer than that quick f***.
The only dates I get are with people I have absolutely no attraction to. While I understand that may be a little superficial, but I feel there has to be some sort of attraction for any sort of relationship to form.
I honestly don't know what to do. I feel so lost and being alone is the absolute worst feeling in the world.

[Virge]

Reading posts similar to yours make me feel like crap cuz I've had it so easy and not had to go through so many of the ordeals most gay guys have to deal with. Growing up and coming to terms with being gay was tough for me until I started meeting other guys and seeing what TOUGH really is.

But now I've said that let me explain that because I feel like crap about things like this and because I want to help everyone I possibly can I really make an effort to move past the fluffy advice most people tend to give and look for solutions that work and try to help that way.

That's the honest truth.
My boyfriend tells me my brain is wired wrong but he's joking. I'm just weird and I'm fine with it and if he was honest about it he'd say he likes me the way I am. On the outside I'm goofy, a joker, shallow acting and hardly ever serious. All the time I'm doing that there's a whole lot going on inside always trying to solve problems, political problems, car problems, financial problems and other people's problems. As far as I'm concerned I don't have any problems to worry about. hahahahahaha!

solutions to problems really interest me because so many of them are close to being the same at least as I see them. You have to admit that the basic issues you expressed are the same as the issues a jillion other gays have---

weight, loneliness, lack of a good relationship, maybe a bit of concern about getting older, tired of one night stands, depression, helplessness, lack of control over the course of your life...

All those things really have a simple solution (the way I see it) Instead of looking at the world to make you happy turn your search inwards. Instead of looking for 'the perfect guy' of your dreams --- become him and you will be fighting off guys trying to be your perfect man. Instead of looking for someone to accept you the way you are improve who you are in every way you can.

Sometimes people look at me like i'm a total idiot when I tell them ---- 'if you aren't the person you want to live with and sleep with for the rest of your life stop expecting anyone else to do it for you."

Once you get that in your head all the solutions to the problems fall into place. If the weight issue is really something that you worry about, once you get it in your head that it's effecting you more than anyone then it becomes as simple as keeping the bath tub clean in case company comes over. It's just something you have to take care of and you do it.

There's another thing I've discovered that gets me into debates all the time and gets me accused of being conceited so try to not think that way when I say this.

The only person anyone should be trying to impress is themself.

There's something about being able to have a moment all to yourself once in awhile to think,
'Holy fuck! I really did do that all on my own!!!!!!!
once you do that a few times you start hearing this voice telling you something like,
'I bet I can go bear hunting with a plastic fork!!!!!

Once that happens all problems in your life and the entire world are solved.

(that's the strategy I used to overcome being a budgy kid, and it also help me I win the man I have. He thinks I'm just an immature goofy stupid guy who plays in the dirt a lot but I only do that to give him things to bitch about.

[confused]

Sounds like you're going through a really difficult time.

I went through a phase where all i did was worry about my body and how i looked. I would exercise everyday, have the right clothes, put on make up etc. At the end of the day None of this really made me happy, in fact i was very depressed during this time.

I'm starting to see things from a very different perspective. 'A gorgeous face catches your eye, but a beautiful personality captures your heart'. I really believe this. Sure, exercise, eat well and take respect in your appearance- these are all part of self care. But dont get obsessive about it. There are some things you can control, others you can't.

There are many aspects someone may find attractive in another. it can include emotional intelligence, big heart, caring, sense of humour, great smile, intelligence etc. Who do you see as your most ideal self? Get a.journal, write these things down, then work on improving each of these things. No doubt you have many positive traits- emphasise these. Be an interesting person- take up hobbies etc, reading- things you can use in conversation.

Make connections- join gay support groups in your area, join meetup groups (do they hav these in berlin?), do whatever you have to meet other people. In the process its very likely youd come across a few people that interest you- persue connections with them.
Things i find good are self-help books and seeing counsellors/psychologist. These can help you work through any issues you're not addressing within yourself, figure out who you are as a person, and what type of person you want to find eventually.

I really believe we must love ourselves, before anyone else can love us. These are just some things I've learnt from being in/out of therapy over the years. Hope it helps and good luck.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yet one more reason why I can't bring myself to envy youth....

The majority of folk in your age bracket, that I lovingly refer to as "kids" suffer the same sort of issues you are going through, and like you they turn to all sort of external things to attempt to find happiness.

The next time you find yourself in a crowd of kids and see all of those smiling happy faces, just understand that they are as lost confused, unhappy as you are - they may be better at mask making thus better at hiding it.

I can't tell you how to achieve contentment for yourself. Each man walks his own journey and has to discover on his own that which leads to serenity in himself.

I can tell you this much, contentment is not found outside of self. I have drank oceans of alcohol and done mountains of meth seeking it outside of myself. Its not until I grasped acceptance of Self that contentment started settling in.

Right now you are not accepting your place on this planet. Most kids seem to think that they are going to get more than they have, that somehow they are magically more special than the other 7.313 billion others on this planet.

Those who wake up one morning and fully understand that they really ain't that special, that they are yet one more human being in a world with many other human beings are the ones who get that contentment of being which leads to real happiness.

How you get there is your own personal journey. It most likely will happen around age 30 since that seems to be the magical year when most people really start to get it.

Until then, try to enjoy the ride, and try different experiences and don't beat yourself up that much. Well try to.

[CellarDweller]

The next time you find yourself in a crowd of kids and see all of those smiling happy faces, just understand that they are as lost confused, unhappy as you are - they may be better at mask making thus better at hiding it.

Listen to Bowyn.

I've found that it's very seldom that we're as alone as we think we are in our feelings and our dissatisfaction with ourselves.

We also tend to be our own worst critics.