Is it ok to date a man much older than you?

[trialbyerror]

To the OP

Hi Anon.

I am 56. I have been the younger partner in a older-younger relationship. I was 20 he was 44 at the time. We had a wonderful 17 years together. He passed on from cancer. If you read my post, this, you would know.

So, let’s unpack this very important issue of older – younger relationships.

This is a decision that concerns only the two of you. Nobody else. What others may think of your decision is, at the end of the day pretty irrelevant.

You have the right to find happiness, and if you do so with an older person, and he with a younger, then that’s all that matters.

Also, it is of nobody’s concern what each of you may be really seeking from such a relationship. To name just a few, Father figure, security, stability, equality, recognition, makes no difference, as long as the 2 of you are happy and comfortable.

A younger / older relationship may just be exactly where you may find that happiness. Without trying you will never know.

Not all older men are that “creepy-old-guy-looking-looking-for-a-quickie” or douch-bag just “looking-for-a-trophy-boy”.

More often than not, the older guy has materially, everything (house, car, furniture, finances) and is looking for a partnership that can “just move in” as it were.

A younger person, such as your-self, could be just that. Remember, the older you get, without accumulating resources, the more you look like a lush / sponge, and it may well be this is what he is afraid of.

This is just one of many legitimate reasons that older guys take an interest it the younger (say under 25) guys.

I would dearly love to have a younger partner, for this very reason 18 – 25. This does not mean that I have “excluded” anyone else who is older, I just thing that that’s what would be an ideal match, given my circumstances.

And it would be a very unwary person who called me “the creepy-old-guy” indeed

To many times, I have been taken for an express-cash-machine by guys 25 +

Yes, assuming you opt in, there are things both of you will have to bear in mind, but these things can be negotiated up-front as the relationship develops. (if)

My stance is thus. Listen to your gut. If you feel comfortable going to dinner, then accept. What have you lost? Nothing. If things progress from there, and you remain comfortable, there should be no problem.

Meet with him. Become friends, if it grows, be up-front negotiate, don’t present a list of conditions.. If it doesn’t then you will have made a friend.

Lastly, older-younger relationships are often more stable, more long term, and far, far less turbulent than 2 guys of similar age…

Go with your gut. Find happiness. It is your right.
Trial by error

[Brett240]

You said that there's been no mention of sex - but at some point there had to be some discussion - how else would he know you're gay - how would you know he is otherwise? What was that discussion like? You say that he's good to you - but what is he like with you? Flirtatious? Parental? It seems to me that there has to be something about him that you're picking up on, even subconsciously, to cause you to wonder about sex as soon as he asked you to his place. You need to really examine your feelings - I think you're aware of more than you may realize.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

The bottom line here is this. There is nothing wrong with having an older guy that you can talk to about things.

The easiest way to handle the "relationship" is simply to ask him what his intentions are, and not to inadvertently lead him on. You may be surprised at his intentions, but until you ask him your just guessing.

He doesn't know where you live, so you can always walk away if things don't feel right.

ObW
X

[writerbry]

Personally, I think that is a bit much, but I guess you have to do what you think is best and what you want. As long as it's legal, it's not technically wrong.

[zorro]

My bf is 21 years older than me so I say go for it, see how it develops. Just because he may want sex with you does not mean you have to.

[matty7]

age is just a number .....if your happy then go for it =- how long do you think your goanna be on earth anyway ,,,take your chance to be happy if its there

[gilhooly]

As a librarian at a university library, I knew and talked to young gay men. I enjoyed talking immensely. I never asked to have sex because they were having or contemplating sex. I enjoyed being like a trusted father figure and gave advice.

Relationships with younger guys are attractive to me when they want help or advice. At 68, I lost my virginity 58 years ago. I have had a lot of gay relationships. One was monumental and I love talking about him to anyone.

Be completely truthful and tell him how you feel. I bet he may just enjoy talking to you. Working at a university always made me feel young. Lots of people hanging out and bullshitting each other. I prefer sex with men my own age. But young guys do get my heart beating. I love attention at my age.

Don't lie. You will fuck things up. He is old enough to accept the truth. If he wants you to lie, he is an asshole to be avoided. Currently, I have a high school student who loves to ask me questions about my cousin, John Lennon. I enjoy talking family stuff.

John Good luck!!!!

[EpicTravis]

Go for it!!! Iwas in a similar situation and it turned out to be amazing. There is nothing wrong with it; it's not abnormal it's just uncommon.

It is very hard to find a goodguy these days and it looks like you found one! If he has been so nice to you, there shouldn't be a problem with you losing your virginity to him.

[Jake]

Age isn't just a number - age is experience and many other thing... so you guys trying to minimize this so you'd agree with the OPs you're just being unrealistic... 18 - 50 is a huge difference. It's almost like your into a relationship with your great grand pa. Now I don't have any issue with younger dude going with older dudes. I was 15 and my BF was 40 years old... but I would never forget the age difference. Stop minimizing things like that like it has no importance. It does! To the ops... if your guts are real with this man and if you feel that this is love GO FOR IT... but don't fall into the age thing doesn't matter because if you asked it means that you cared. But it's up to you to set the record straight versus what you want and what he wants. Age is no difference - what the fuck is wrong with you people? AGE does matter in so manny ways... don't minimize it like it's not a problem. It is. Everyone that have been with oldr guys would tell you that the gap is there... the only matter is how you will deal with this gap and if love is present... that's all. Stop your fucking fairy tale bullshit!

[Mark]

I actually agree with Jake when he says about the age gap is there and its how you deal with it because the end of the day it is. You are both at different stages in life - you I'd imagine are getting ready for either uni, travelling or just to start life out of education where as he isn't. I guess you might like going out with mates maybe going to clubs and that - would he be comfortable if you did that?

Anyway Im assuming you are going into a relationship I don't think you will because you wouldn't need to question the age gap if you were into him that much. You mentioned you kissed his cheek BECAUSE he did something nice.. It does come back to my earlier point of the knight in shining armour. I get the impression this whole situation is just he keeps doing things and you like him for those otherwise you wouldn't look at him twice. It sounds harsh but thats how it seems to me!

Just ask yourself honestly.. If you just met this guy randomly would you go for him? If he had done nothing for you just met in a club could you see yourself going home with him? If not then leave it where it is and don't drag it out. If you would? Then decide if you could deal with the judgements people will make because again people will talk about the age gap so can you deal with that?