A little freaked out after 1st experience

[Frosty]

A little freaked out
Hi all, hoping maybe some of you can talk me down a little. I recently indulged in a same sex fantasy. I met this guy on CL. He was a married professional type in his 50's. I bottomed and have to admit, it was pretty hot. However, as a lifelong closeted bisexual, this was the first time I acted on my urges. I think I did everything right. We used latex condoms and a ton of water base lube. No breakage on the condom. However, when he came on me, it got on my hands. I proceeded to finish myself off. When done, I noticed I was rubbed a little raw.

I guess a lifetime surrounded by homophobia and a total lack of experience has me freaked out on many levels. I'm totally worried about HIV. (Remember, I grew up being taught all gays have AIDS). I plan on getting tested, etc in the appropriate amount of time. However, in the meantime I'm having difficulty sleeping. I'd really like some input from guys that have been there, done that. How worried should I be?

Not sure if I'll "indulge again" as the stress is almost unbearable....

[jogu656]

you're ok it has happened to me, as long as you used a condom and lube you are fine, getting tested is a must after any hook up, but you will be ok it can be stressful, so I feel you on this, just relax you're over thinking it.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the forum Frosty.

As Jogu says, your simply overthinking things here.

Your probably going through that classic phase that everyone has at some point after sex. Feeling guilty.

May I ask if your partner is aware of your feelings?

ObW
X

[Wardo94]

It happens. It's good to check up after every hook up though, just in case. But overall, you're over thinking all of this too much. What ever you've been told, isn't % 100 true. Trust me, I was in the same position as you and when I finally came to my senses, and accepted who I was, it literally felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I know it's easier said than done, but either way, you're fine. Just take care of yourself when you encounter hook ups and be safe.

[swalter]

Calm down. Go get tested now, then again in 3mo, and one more time 6mo from now. Generally speaking, if you're a bottom involved in casual relationships, you should be tested every 3mo. It's not easy to transmit HIV, and the chances of you being infected as a result of getting some semen on a break in the skin for a moment is very small. I understand your apprehension, and you should definitely get tested as I suggested, but there's no reason to panic.

[Cuddly]

I remember the first time me and the husbear did it.. I was so freaked out. Thinking back I'm amazed he didn't get really angry with me and threw me out of the house, as I was asking him if he had HIV or AIDS over and over again. I was so worried ... At some point it stopped, it's years ago and I don't really remember why. But I never got tested. I should have.

Were you rubbed so raw that you bled? If not, there's nothing to worry about. The guy you slept with probably didn't have it in the first place. But do as swalter suggested; get tested. For your peace of mind and to make sure you're not carrying it around to others!

And welcome to GS and the fabulously rainbow-coloured bright side!

[Tyrion]

Why would you mess with someone married? I don't get it..

Anyway.. get tested.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Good. Glad to hear you have a healthy respect for disease and what sex with another person can mean.

Now its time for you to get a real education on ALL STD's and how they are spread, not just the HIV which is now so treatable that no one needs to die from it. This should go along with your healthy fear of disease which should lead to a moderate respect instead of an all out phobia of HIV or any other disease.

Oh that worry doesn't go away. Until such time you settle down with a partner you know is HIV negative because you are both reasonably certain you are faithful and you both have been tested multiple times. Even then there is doubt.

Those who have been cheated upon in the past always wonder if their new partner will cheat on them. Those who cheat - well they know exactly how easy it is to cheat. Thus if you experienced a relationship where cheating was involved I fear that the dread of disease after sex is always going to be there.

Chances are extremely low that you contracted HIV via this route. Understand what I just said - extremely low does not mean completely out of the woods.

I suspect that your chances of his being HIV pos is far lower than you think. He is a married man - Women can and do catch HIV so he has to be extremely careful, especially if he is doing this gay sex thing without her knowing.

And now time for a lecture:

If you are having sex with a married man, chances are high you are the 'other woman'. He is most likely cheating on his spouse. You know he is married, thus the excuse does not exist 'I didn't know' - thus do expect some sort of 'Karmic Revenge' to take place.

You are a 'bi man in a monogamous straight relationship' I'm sorry you might be bi, but you are having sex with another man. Straight relationship that you are in some theory monogamous with means a woman.

This was not an act of monogamy, this was an act of cheating.

I think that this episode with the fear of HIV is not simply a fear of HIV - but a terrible fear of being 'found out' because you bring home a positive test score when it comes to HIV. You are suffering guilt and remorse for this activity - not saying that the sex wasn't all that and a bag of chips - I am saying that this is far more complex than just a single dude going out to experience life.

You do not just face a life time sentence of HIV Cocktail drugs if you get HIV - you are also faced with explaining to the wife where, when and how you got HIV - so you are going to be hyper aware, and more terrified when you perform gay sex with anyone outside of your marriage....

I seriously doubt any amount of hard factual data on the spread of any STD is going to help much with this particular aspect.

I want you to understand something here; It doesn't matter if its HIV & AIDS, or Gonorrhea or Syphilis or or- ANY STD - you bring any of that home the wife is going to know HOW you picked it up.

You latched on to the fear of HIV because you grew up in a world where The Gay Disease was HIV/AIDS and the media and people downplayed Herpes, Chlamydia, Scabies, etceteros. All I might add abound in the LGBT world.

Straight men worry about the main stream STD's when they cheat in this sort of irrational manner you are currently having with HIV. The problem isn't so much the diseases, but the potential that one of those diseases will snitch on you.

I seriously doubt your fear surrounds your own health and potential issues, it all surrounds your being 'caught red handed'. I don't know how acceptable coming home with Syphilis would be, perhaps its easier to be caught having extra-marital sex with a woman than a man? So you can point at an affair with a woman here?

You might find a bit of relief in opening up your relationship by using honesty with the Wife. Might doesn't mean you will get to have your fantasy sex life whilst in a relationship with her. I don't know her - most likely this will fly as well as a lead balloon - however ... sooooo......

I seriously doubt you picked up HIV or any other STD from this fella. I think the whole situation is such that his fear is on par to yours and he is a bit more experienced in keeping safe.

Whilst I seriously doubt you contracted HIV (or any other STD) I think you need to get tested. I would suggest the RNA test and not the antibodies test. RNA testing is more expensive and is newer than the antibodies test, however it is far, far more sensitive and gets a far earlier detection of HIV with higher true positive/negative results. Discuss this option with your doctor to find out how many tests, or how many months you need testing to be certain of your negative status (or positive, as there is always a chance albeit microscopic).

Understand that a negative test result does not take you off the hook here. I fall in the category of having had a partner cheat. Actually two of my exes did that for me, the first lead to me allowing a lot of the 'signals of cheating' to go past because I know I always see even the innocent shit as being signs. The last cheated on my on regular basis for the last 12 years of our 14 year relationship. At least 120 different fellas.

I'm going to assume that its far, far worse to discover a sexual dalliance than having your partner inform you of it. I don't know, none of my cheaters had the guts to be honest with me.

I don't know your wife, I have no idea how she will take to this sort of news.

I am loath to ask you to hide this 'first time experience' from her. However I know just how severely betrayal of trust can affect a person for the rest of their life.

I do want you to seriously contemplate how you proceed with your relationship. If you really want to have sex with men to scratch that bi-sexual excuse for promiscuity you have I strongly suggest you get the wife's permission first.

I will assume you both have been together for a coon's age, are both in your 40's and both have needs. Thus perhaps a more open relationship for both of you may be possible. Never know she may have her eye on the stock-boy at the local grocers - sure he's barely 18, but that shouldn't stop her - right?

She needs to be aware that you are Bi and have 'fantasies' about sex with men. Stick with the fantasy angle only. (again I am loath to tell you to lie).

Another thing that most likely is playing here, you are in your 40's - most (not all) men and women undergo drastic psychological changed mid-life. Thus leading to many making huge mistakes and doing childish things as they attempt to recapture those missed parts of their lives.

I think you need to be a bit more self-aware as to what is driving you to do immature and stupid activities and taking all sorts of unneeded risks with your relationship.

If you have grown out of the relationship for reals, then its time to face that music and allow this relationship to dissolve in a more civil manner. Cheating just does not work. Its harmful, and as you are experiencing right now it comes with a lot of emotional crap.

Honestly, I suspect you can enjoy sex a lot more and without irrational fear if you were doing it with permission from the wife or as a single man.

/lecture

[Frosty]

Brown, as embarrassed as it may seem, I think you hit the nail on the head. You are very right that I'm less concerned about an STD than I am about explaining the how. Also true that this is probably a mid life crisis of a sorts. I know it may sound sick and twisted but I do love my wife. I'm not trying to justify my actions but the physical intimacy in out relationship faded a few years ago. We're now reduced to sex a few times a year simply out of a sense of obligation on her part. Given that I had this itch/fantasy, little to no physical intimacy and I'm middle aged I got this impending sense of now or never. Still no justification for betrayal but disclosing to my wife what I did would be far more devastating to her than me. Actually it would be more a relief of to me. Although cheating is cheating, I find it would be infinitely easier to say I picked up XYZ from a woman than HIV from a dude. This would not only have ramifications with but my family, friends etc. considering I'm not choosing to change lifestyles, not a route I'd particularly enjoy. I picked a married man because I felt he would have as much skin in the game as I do and would know how to be discreet. Although I cheated, it was a one time thing to drop off the bucket list. Material for the ole spank bank. In the meantime, I'm still freaked and plan to get tested.

[Frosty]

I gotta be honest, I wasn't expecting such criticism here. Moral implications aside guys/gals, in your objective opinion, should I be worried?