crossdresser outed by boss ,help!

[sadie]

my boss found a pic of me on a gay date site in dress, he looks at me funny now and makes jokes. I am very embarrassed, have lived my life in closet and I am afraid he will now find away to fire me, and tell all my friends and family. I have been with this company for 15 years, just bought a new house and am at that age where I really don't want to start over. I'm in my mid 50's and have lived a female in a mans body in secret for a long time and just now in the last few mo. explored myself sexually and started dating and was very much enjoying myself but after this discovery, I am very depressed and fearful of my future. I cant sleep, and start crying all the time I don't know what to do. I'm happy when I dress up and don't want to stop.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi Sadie and to the forum.

I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament. No one has the right to out anyone against their wishes, and it seems to me that what he's doing is effectively sexual harassment. My first recommendation is for you to find out what your legal rights are in the state you work, in order to establish whether you have the support of the law behind you should you need it.

The second thing I would be thinking about is just WTF he was doing browsing the personal ads in the first place! This could give you the lever you need to address the situation, especially if he is married and not out himself. He knows he has a hold over you and is using that to bully you. Maybe you can turn the tables on him.

Do you have any kind of local support network you can reach out to for advice, or a close friend at work that you feel you could confide in? It's going to be important to have some one witness his bullying of you in the event of any legal redress. Failing that, how about trying to record him using your phone or something?

I sure others will be along that can offer advice more aligned to your situation.


ObW
X

[sadie]

I would not like the attention or embarrassment of legal action of any sort. I think a mean spirited person sent him a email of my ad. he is not an evil person and may not know how this is affecting me. I just don't have the courage to confront the issue it may make things worse. I can just go to work and hope after a few mo. things go back to normal, but it is like living with an axe over your head. this is a small religious community and if this gets out could effect his business as well. I don't think there is an answer I just thought if I had someone to talk to the hurt would be less.

[swalter]

If your boss is making inappropriate jokes at your expense, or discussing your sexual proclivities with co-workers, that's sexual harassment and you should go to upper management immediately. Document each and every instance of his harassing behavior, and see an employment attorney if it continues after bringing it to his supervisor's attention. This is serious, and it will only continue if you don't speak up and take action. Even if you think you can deal with the jokes, remaining silent gives them consent to continue and potentially do this to someone else.

[Cuddly]

Welcome to GS Sadie. It sounds like you're feeling very small and put down by this. Just remember there's absolutely nothing wrong with you and be strong. You shouldn't feel embarassed. Chin up, chest forward.
I agree with swalter and OBW, ofcourse, but I think I can understand that when you're feeling belittled going to the higher powers isn't exactly what you want. You just want to sweep it under the rug and forget about it. That might not be possible. It's out of the box and now it's just a question of how you deal with it. I will tell you, like I tell everybody else asking advice for coming out (not that that's what you're doing), that people aren't as bad as we think and you would likely be much better received than you thought, if you were to come clean and be open about it.
How your boss got the picture is confusing to me too...
You say your boss isn't a bad person? Just talk to him about it then. Tell him this is hurting you and that you've been repressing this your entire life and wouldn't like it all to fall apart now. Appeal to his compassion, I am sure he has that.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's lots of support to find here on GS, so take all you need.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

he is not an evil person and may not know how this is affecting me.

Sadie, regardless of how you want to view him, what he is doing now is still sexual harassment. Perhaps in the small town mentality he doesn't understand that its actually harassment.

Small town or not, you have rights, and after investing so much time in the job, walking way is not an option and putting up with his behaviour is only going to make things worse personally.

I think the best way to handle the situation, at least in the first instance if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, is simply to sit him down and explain the situation to him. You need to go into that meeting armed with some facts regarding your rights, and sexual harassment in the workplace. If he really doesn't get it, he may be simply horrified and stop his behaviour immediately. If you think your situation will effect his business, then he should be gently reminded how a sexual harassment claim will effect his business!

Good Luck,

ObW
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[CellarDweller]

Everyone here is right. It's sexual harassment and you need to address it.

[Boysstuff]

Don't stop dressing up Sadie, enjoy your life to the full. Is your boss married, does his wife know he is using gay dating sites, nudge nudge wink wink. Take care and stay happy.

[Jimmy86]

Hold your head high you've done nothing wrong, don't allow him the right to upset you.

[matty7]

Boysstuff makes a great point - if he wants to harass you then ask him what site was he looking at to see your picture , tell him to back off or the wife gets all the info - fire with fire in this case, im not in your position so its easy for me to say but you need to stop this as soon as possible