05-09-2014, 12:29 PM
Yesterday rummaging through my stuff I found a notebook from when I was 20 I began to read it and boy did I had a blast from the past, back then I was going through my second love, it was all so complicated, and we barely kissed twice.
It was... weird reading all my thoughts from back then, I loved that guy to dead would he had return my feelings in the same amount I would have fought everything and everyone to stay together with him, by the end I wrote something like "in ten years I'll be laughing of this." it did made me laugh but for the wrong reasons, what my old self was thinking when I wrote that is that in ten years I would have an awesome relationship and wouldn't even remember what'shisname.
I don't think I've changed much from that boy, I'm still the same green, innocent, hopeless romantic who believes that we all have soul-mates out there and that as long as I don't lose hope I will find him in the end.
Sadly, I'm nowhere near to find that man, it's still hard for me to socialize with guys, and still unthinkable for me to make the first move, I'm taking steps towards moving my life to the direction I want it to be, but I do wonder how much time do I have left before my expiration day comes and I cannot dream anymore?
My two past relationships ended because I was "too good" for them, aka, I wrote them poetry I sung for them I left chocolates and little details here and there, apparently you can love too much and that is a bad thing, because I was too trusting one cheated on me, and the other had a complicated childhood with an abusive father so whenever I was too good with him he pushed me away, both of them said the same thing in the end "You're too good for me, I cannot be the man you need, I'm too damaged you need to find someone who truly deserves you."
But then I'm doomed because I don't know how to love any other way, when I fall in love all my priorities shift themselves and I give myself completely, everything I do, is with the thought of our wellbeing together, making him smile becomes top priority for me, but now I'm scared, socializing with guys has always been hard for me, I feel more comfortable with straight guys, when I meet a gay guy i like I then to act a little cold and forget about making the first move.
In the end all I want is a man who wants to be love and it's able to love back, a man who truly wants to form a family with trust affection and communication, but for some reason those seem to hide from me, maybe I'm too ugly and I'm the one who doesn't notice lol
anyway sorry for the long rant, just needed to vent, I'll probably be just fine by tomorrow.
It was... weird reading all my thoughts from back then, I loved that guy to dead would he had return my feelings in the same amount I would have fought everything and everyone to stay together with him, by the end I wrote something like "in ten years I'll be laughing of this." it did made me laugh but for the wrong reasons, what my old self was thinking when I wrote that is that in ten years I would have an awesome relationship and wouldn't even remember what'shisname.
I don't think I've changed much from that boy, I'm still the same green, innocent, hopeless romantic who believes that we all have soul-mates out there and that as long as I don't lose hope I will find him in the end.
Sadly, I'm nowhere near to find that man, it's still hard for me to socialize with guys, and still unthinkable for me to make the first move, I'm taking steps towards moving my life to the direction I want it to be, but I do wonder how much time do I have left before my expiration day comes and I cannot dream anymore?
My two past relationships ended because I was "too good" for them, aka, I wrote them poetry I sung for them I left chocolates and little details here and there, apparently you can love too much and that is a bad thing, because I was too trusting one cheated on me, and the other had a complicated childhood with an abusive father so whenever I was too good with him he pushed me away, both of them said the same thing in the end "You're too good for me, I cannot be the man you need, I'm too damaged you need to find someone who truly deserves you."
But then I'm doomed because I don't know how to love any other way, when I fall in love all my priorities shift themselves and I give myself completely, everything I do, is with the thought of our wellbeing together, making him smile becomes top priority for me, but now I'm scared, socializing with guys has always been hard for me, I feel more comfortable with straight guys, when I meet a gay guy i like I then to act a little cold and forget about making the first move.
In the end all I want is a man who wants to be love and it's able to love back, a man who truly wants to form a family with trust affection and communication, but for some reason those seem to hide from me, maybe I'm too ugly and I'm the one who doesn't notice lol
anyway sorry for the long rant, just needed to vent, I'll probably be just fine by tomorrow.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Aquarius
Libra
