I feel very bad after losing my virginity

[Mark]

Are you religious in any way? Or has facing up to the fact you're gay been hard for you? To me it sounds like you are just disappointed in yourself for having sex but Im not sure on the reason why. Can you tell us more about you and how you decided you were into guys?

[Anonymous]

No, I'm not religious, at least not to the point where I would let it rule my life. Maybe I believe a little bit that there's some higher force, but usually it doesn't mean a lot to me. I don't follow commandments and stuff.

It wasn't really hard for me to accept I'm gay. I guess I knew it already when I was in the kindergarten, I remember looking at boys much more than girls without even knowing what does homosexuality mean. Later then when I grew up and started to go to school I realized it wasn't just some childhood trick, that I really like guys instead of girls. Then when I was 15 years old, I told my mother that I'm gay. She was very supportive and she completely assured me there's nothing wrong with me. In fact she was very happy and told me she always wanted to have a gay son, as weird as it might sound. We grew a lot closer since and we're both still hiding it from dad as he's quite homophobic.

All my male friends are bragging about their sexual experience, while I know I would rather die than tell someone I had sex. At some degree I'm ashamed of what I did.

And now also there's this guy that I had sex with, he can't seem to let it go. It doesn't look like he wants to accept I don't want to see him.

[AlohaShannon]

First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with virginity being important to someone; just like there is nothing wrong with it being unimportant to someone else. The importance you put on your virginity - or the "loss" of it - is up to you.

Second, there is a conflict in what you write. You say you don't regret the experience, but yet you feel bad for having "lost" your virginity (please correct me if I misread your posts). He was sort of like your boyfriend but not your boyfriend. He was gentle and caring but now you cannot bring yourself to talk to him anymore.

Is it possible that even though you enjoyed the experience you are upset that you can no longer call yourself a virgin (after all, you did wait until you were 20 to have sex)?

Is it possible that you just weren't ready to take that step to actually having sex?

Is it possible that even though you identify with being gay, having sex with a guy makes your identity a bit more concrete?

I'm not being presumptuous or trying to fabricate things that aren't there; I'm just throwing out ideas. Some of what you wrote is contradictory and you are clearly having a tough time processing why you feel the way you do right now. I think it is important for you to try to look at this entire thing objectively. Maybe journaling will help you to organize your thoughts and feelings and get them out on paper. I sincerely hope that you are able to work through these feelings; I know (as I'm sure many of us here do) what it's like to put yourself out there only to be confused by feelings after the fact.

Stay positive and continue to embrace who you are and what having sex for the first time meant for you. Bear in mind, it was with someone you liked who was gentle and caring and is trying to continue talking to you. Your first time could have been with someone who was rough, uncaring, selfish, stinky, and made you feel like a piece of meat.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Well I couldn't really call him a boyfriend, because we didn't have actual relationship. He was something like a very good friend with a little bit of romantic interest. But I never considered him to be my boyfriend, now I see that probably he felt different about it. And yes, I don't want to talk to him, I feel bad enough already, seeing him and hearing him would only make it worse, I know it.

At that moment, that night it definitely felt like I'm ready to have sex, I wanted to do it. All the bad feelings started next morning.

[AlohaShannon]

You did mention in your first post to this thread that he was "something like a boyfriend". Like I said, much of what you are writing is conflicting so you seem very confused about the feelings your having. Take time to reflect, write, and contemplate; it is important that you give yourself the time to work through your thoughts and emotions without coming down on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if this guy wouldn't try so much to get in touch with me. I don't understand why can't he just let it go. So what if we had sex? What happened, happened just forget about me now.

[Charon]

Your referring to yourself as feeling like trash is worrisome. I'm assuming you didn't sell yourself for two bucks in a back alley. After many years and hearing hundreds of stories of "how I lost it" what I've noticed is that very few if any found it a wonderful to remember experience. And another leitmotif I hear is that men, and probably women, reach a certain age and feel "wrong" that they're still a virgin. Somehow losing your virginity is a rite of passage although from what to what eludes me. You write that the man you committed de-vriginazation from has called, was he also virgin? It's a once in a life time experience but as with many things sexual, it's just one of many virginities that are open to you to lose. You've now covered one part of anal but not all. And then you roll over and there are more areas of virginity to be abandoned. Understand, please, that you've done nothing wrong, that it wasn't what you expected is about what everyone else feel. When you've had sex many more kinds, in many more ways, you'll look back and remember it and, ten years after that, you won't even remember with whom you did it....

[AlfredM]

I bet that guy is feeling trashy right now,being the one who keeps contacting you after the sex and keeps getting pushed away. Why can't you just tell him what you're feeling about the sex and you need him to leave you alone? It is better than asking him to leave you alone without even giving a reason. He has no idea what happened,and obviously he's that good of a guy if he keeps contacting you,so he'll just keep trying.