How have repressing my desires effected me?

[AlohaShannon]

So I've been thinking...

What are your thoughts on the possibility that repressing my desires and sexual identity were the cause of dissatisfaction in my relationships and a contributing factor to being unfaithful?

I've actually been married three times (to women) and will be going through my third divorce soon. I was 18 when I married my first wife and cheated on her twice. There was a point in the marriage when we became more like roommates and had sex once a month just to get it out of the way. I had also messed around in chat rooms quite a bit and started an online romance with another guy. That was 17 years ago so I don't remember much but when I can remember the butterflies I had in my stomach when I would talk to him online and then the couple of times via telephone.

My second wife and I were married for about a month before we filed for divorce. Everything about that relationship was wrong but I stayed with her (mostly for the sex and she could toss a mean salad). After we divorced I found a gay bar and met a couple of guys there (no sex, just some oral fun).

And now with my third wife, I was faithful for awhile in the beginning and then I found myself being critical, she would in turn shop and put us in the negative in our bank account, I would in turn resent her...but I can't help but think my desire to be intimate with men and/or M to F transgender fueled my criticism for her. Aside from her spending, she was an incredible wife; dare I say, the perfect wife. She gave me two beautiful children and everything else that I had ever prayed for while growing up. And yet, it was not enough. I ended up cheating with countless women, many with whom I was unable to perform...I felt extreme guilt for what I was doing and enjoyed the feeling of being desired more than the sex. I also cheated with two transgendered and two guys while we were together. So when all this finally came out to her and we attempted to make a fresh start based on honesty and rebuilding her trust for me as well as the marriage, I could not stop thinking about my desire to be with men. Obviously I'm bisexual at the very least so nothing ground-breaking for anyone to point out here.

The point I'm trying to make is, I believe that my infidelity was a result of not being satisfied in my marriage because I was constantly fantasizing about being with men and I cheated with numerous women to try to prove to myself that I wasn't gay. I don't believe that I'm a monster and get enjoyment out of hurting others emotionally, I don't believe that I'm unable to be monogamous, and I don't believe that my behaviors are the result of needing attention at a very unhealthy level (these are the things that my third wife says).

This brings us back to the question from the beginning. Given the things I wrote in this post, do you believe that my behaviors are a result of refusing to acknowledge and accept my sexual identity or am I just a loathsome, malicious, attention-seeking, cheater?

I pensively await your thoughts...

As always, if something I've written doesn't make sense it is because I revise as I write and hardly ever proof-read...so I may not have deleted everything from a previously written sentence. Just work your way through it.

[AlohaShannon]

Ok, so this post has gone unanswered for a few days and read by only a few so I feel compelled to "bump" it.

I would also like to add that yes, I recognize that for much of my life I was a total douche. But I can say with certainty that I'm a better person than I was a few short years ago. I have been able to see that I lived a very self-centered and narcissistic life and only took from others rather than giving. I've gone through counseling to deal with these negative behaviors and honestly feel like I'm a better person now.

As I re-read the original post, I realize that I sound like my behaviors in the past were of no consequence and that I was using my repressed sexuality as an excuse. I really did not mean to do this. I'm really just asking for others' opinions on the affect that repressing one's sexual identity can have.

Anyways, I hope to hear from ANYONE!

[shane82]

I think you tried to prove yourself that you are not gay. In my opinion the best way is to talk with your wife and explain her that you have to try to live with man. I think that if you not do this you will cheat her still.

[Wolfpack]

No Shannon you are not a monster or a bad person in any way shape or form, and do not beat yourself up so much.
You tried to repress a fundullmental part of your self ( your true sexual nature ), and tried to find happiness from other outward sources because you could not find the true happiness inside yourself, untill now that you have finally been able to accept who you really are and your true sexual identity. To put it a another way you are on the right path now, and I am sure you will make healthy decisions in the future.

A little about me. I only have had one experience with another man, and that was along while back.
I then tried to repress my sexuality, did not date and did not allow myself to be attracted to anyone. This caused me much anxiety and all I could see was a future were I would have to be alone in respects to a partner
So repressing my sexuality did me no good at all. But now I have accepted my true nature, and look forward to a life of experiences that I would never have thought possible a short while ago.

Only when we accept who we truly are can we be really happy.

[AlohaShannon]

Thanks Wolfpack, you're awesome!

[Wolfpack]

Thanks Wolfpack, you're awesome!

Thanks very kind of you sir

[AlfredM]

What you did was bad,whether it's the result of repressing sexual identity or whatever other issue. But you do realize it and are taking the necessary measure to become a better person,so does it really matter? The past is in the past and what matters is who you are from now on.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I believe that my infidelity was a result of not being satisfied in my marriage because I was constantly fantasizing about being with men and I cheated with numerous women to try to prove to myself that I wasn't gay.

The only one who can validate this for you is YOU. You are the only person who can fully comprehend or see the motivations behind the shit you do (we all do shit so.....).

As theories go, this is a great one. Its great because it makes a lot of sense and a lot of the behavior patterns you have suggested as being motivators are rather common in guys who repress their homosexuality and strive to be heterosexual to appease society, peers, family, self wants/dreams over needs.

Is this real? IDK - humans have a terrible habit of self-deception - we love to come up with excuses to excuse the inexcusable. We all do it to one degree or another.

It does sound to me you have 20/20 hindsight and are now able to look back and see how things may connect.

So what do you do with that now?

It sounds like you have made a 4th step here:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

There is more you can do:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This is from the typical 12 step program.

Your title now is 'Single Gay Man' - do the ex wives know this now? Do they need to know it to give them some sort of closure? Would bringing this up now cause more harm or would it give resolution to THEM (your not that important in this aspect)?

If so, then do a 9th step - if not settle for the 8th step - take what you can from the past, learn from it, apply it to life and try not to make the same mistakes you made before.

[Cuddly]

Thanks for bumping. Timezones must've flushed it out of the recent posts' list before I got to see it.

I don't think cheating can be excused, but knowing that you did so out of a misplaced sense of self-preservation, I won't judge you, for cheating on your heterosexual relationships.
I hope you've come to know yourself enough and be satisfied enough to stay faithful to future homosexual relationships. Cheating is unfair and cruel at best, but if I were your ex-wife I would feel better about myself, as a woman, if I was told (by you) that the reason for the cheating, oh so long ago, was probably due to you simply not being attracted to women, but desperately trying to be.

[ChadCoxRox]

I had missed this as well. I suppose we may miss several in the time zone passage of time... So glad you bumped it too!

I can't add much not already said and agree with everything thus far. I would only reiterate that the true worth of any answer or the matter in question lies within what you do with it. So BO is right in his suggestion. Using issues such as this as a catalyst for intentional living in the here-and-now not only affords great potential for kindness and healing for others but wonderful growth and strengthening of character for yourself.

I'll end by noting that those you might wish yourself worthy of as you move forward will recognize how much of this work you've actually done and of course there'll be a direct correlation between your success in relationships here on out or lack thereof. When life provides you with opportunities such as this think carefully and proceed wisely. This sort of stuff can result in the best features of a mature man or the worst. Factoid for the day.