It's my fault, but I'm losing him...

[Anonymous]

Ok, this is gonna be a long one. I don't have an actual account on here, so my friend is letting me use his as long as I make it anonymous, and being cool enough to sit with me and figure out how I wanna word all this, so a HUGE shout out to him.

This is kinda strange to explain. My whole life I'd considered myself straight: I never even looked at a dude or thought about dudes ever, in fact I was so revved up about chicks I'd bedded more than I'd like to admit before my freshman year of college. Anyway, I met my best friend my sophomore year of high school. He came out to me the next year, his first person to tell, and I was completely cool with it.

Soon he started dating once he came out senior year, and I was always encouraging him along. Then, a little over a year ago (we're 22 now) I started getting more protective of him than usual and jealous of the dudes he'd pick up, even though I was getting laid plenty, and I started questioning my sexuality a bit.

I didn't know what to make of it, but eventually I realized I had fallen in love with him. I confessed how confused I was but that I was not confused AT ALL about how I felt for him, and we started dating. It was a little awkward at first and he felt sort of uneasy, but I assured him that for me, the perennial chick magnet and player, to fall for a dude and not fight it, meant a lot and said a lot about how deeply I'd grown to love him, and I still do, but I fucked up pretty bad.

The thing is, he's the only guy that turns me on at all. I tried watching gay porn, but it just doesn't do anything for me. Whenever he mentions a hot guy nearby, all I can see is how hot the girl he's with is. I am genuinely into my boyfriend, I get excited really easily when we're having sex, but he's honestly the only dude I feel that way towards.

We tried a threesome, but I didn't want anything to do with the other guy, it was really uncomfortable and not arousing at all, but I like it that way, I think it says a lot about him, cause he was my best friend before all this, obviously he's incredible in every way. The issue is, it's not just that I'm also attracted to women, it's that without him around I would ONLY be attracted to women.

I just couldn't fight it anymore. Every fantasy I had was about women, when I looked at porn it was all girl porn as usual, and there was this girl at work about three months ago who started putting the moves on me. I tried to fight it but I couldn't help it and I slept with her. I was consumed by guilt and I was crying uncontrollably confiding in my friends about it. I know it was wrong to do it, but I just missed women and they're still 99% of my attraction. They calmed me down, but I still felt horrible.

Soon, I moved past the guilt, at least to the point where I couldn't be myself anymore, and started being the man I wanted to be for him again. I was there whenever he needed me, was super affectionate like he loves, I held hands in public, everything he loves, just like it had been, but I was still itching to sleep with women. It's been a few months now and I've slept with several more women.

There's nothing emotional about it, it's just relieving the urges I still carry around. I feel horrible doing this and I know there's no excuse for it. He found out cause a friend of his caught me picking one of the girls up at a bar. He's totally heartbroken and I want so badly to hold him and calm him down and make him happy again, but I don't know how.

The reason I didn't confess to him is cause I just saw it as scratching an itch. Maybe things would be different if he weren't the only guy I was into, but he's always been so insecure, even when we were just friends, and I knew if I told him he'd assume the worst and feel bad about himself and I didn't want that to happen. I just thought if I could have sex with a chick every so often I could release the build up and I could go back to him.

Now he's hysterical and threatening to break up and never see me again. I'm answering all his questions and trying to show him I'm sorry for breaking his heart. He says I should've talked to him about this and we could've sorted something out, but I snuck around and that's what hurts the most.

It was stupid of me I guess, but I really thought I was doing the right thing. If I hadn't slept with women and let the frustration continue I might have wound up resenting him and mistreating him, but if I tell him I want sex with women he'd flip and feel ugly and undesirable, which he admits would've been the case.

Maybe this whole relationship was a bad idea. I guess I'm not the guy I thought I was or could be, i don't know. I do know I love him and his feelings being hurt is ripping me apart. I never had any intention of ending our relationship, and he acknowledges I've never stopped giving him all the love and adoration that's made him so happy with me, but I don't know if that's enough to show him this wasn't about any shortcoming with him, but with me.

I feel like shit just typing this out and I'm sure no one will tell me I should continue being with him. Maybe I was wrong to ever get with a girl again, I don't know. I probably shouldn't have been with him unless I was more sure of myself, but my heart has always belonged to him in some way, as friends and now as so much more. The idea of not being with him got so horrible it was tearing me up.

I just need to make him happy again, I'm just hoping someone here could help me out and tell me how to make this better, or tell me I'm a heartless jerk who doesn't deserve him. I wouldn't really blame you.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm a different anonymous poster here, not the Original poster.

Listen, bucko, it's called self control. Stop making up irrational rationalizations about cheating on him like "oh I just couldn't help myself," or "I tried to fight it but" - we're all human, honey, but that's just it - we're ALL human. Most men fight their urges to not cheat on their partner all the time, sure, a lot lose to their urges, but they all have to credit it to their responsibility.
What's done is done. But now that that has come to past, take precautions to prevent further seductions.
Now, moving on-
yes, he is more offended by the deception. You said you had a three-way before, so I take it you and him are both, ugh, whatever. And if he tells you what men he finds attractive than he shouldn't be offended at all by you telling him what women you find attractive. I mean seriously, I don't see a reason as to why he should be offended at you being attracted to women when he is attracted to other men. So, yeah, you and him could probably have worked something out.
He shouldn't be bothered by you being attracted to women, and you shouldn't be deceptive and cheat.
You have 3 options:
You two can split
You two can both agree on an open relationship, and be honest about it
Or, you can learn to control yourself, and be in a monogamous relationship with him.

I personally only pursue monogamy, but only you and him can decide what to do with your own lives. To each him own.

[shane82]

You say you love him and you cheat him. For me if you love someone you never cheat. And happines of your BF is the most important on whole World

[Jake]

No one can do anything for you... you have pretty much explained what you did and just realized that it's quite difficult for gay man to find a suitable partner. We have to sort among the shit and crap that the community throws at us. While I understand that you feel bad about hurting him... you should have just never been in a gay relationship with your best friend. Only time will fix this. Sorry if I do not give you the best advice... but that's the way I feel about your whole story. Make up your mind, and do not hurt another man. And dude, don't believe that I am saying this without knowing where you've been... I have 2 children of my own (not adopted) and 3 others that are adopted... so I have been with women before. If you did really love your man, you would have controlled yourself... this seems to me that it was just a boycrush and you should have left it to a boycrush.

You're not a heartless jerk since you do have regrets... But you destroyed someone. Only Time will say.

[swalter]

Hey buddy... That's a tough situation. Your sexuality, as you described it, is what I call "situational homosexuality"; you're primarily heterosexual, but can have strong homosexual attractions to specific people. It's more common than you might think.

Unfortunately, you've exposed a complication arising from the practice of fulfilling your emotional and sexual needs, and your choices have put you in a difficult predicament. Adding to that, your boyfriend knows of your dalliances and is understandably hurt. What to do?

First and foremost, if you haven't done so already, sincerely apologize to him for hurting him. Acknowledge that what you did (cheat on him) is completely inexcusable, and validate his pain and feelings. Tell him you have some issues to work out regarding your sexuality, and that if he'll have you back, there will be no more secrets and lies from this point forward. If you two are going to make it, it has to be together, as a team. Nobody wants to admit they fucked up, but the consequences of deceit are worse than just about anything else. He has to know that, no matter what happens, the one thing he can rely on - as sure as the rising sun - is the trust between you. And this doesn't have anything to do with your sexuality, or whether you dating men or women; this is an axiom for all.

Going forward, since it's obvious that you really don't want to lose him, you've got to find a way to handle your extracurricular urges. Everyone in a relationship, both gay and straight, have to deal with the reality of desires for sex with people other than their partners. We're socio-sexual beings, and it's just a fact of life. What you can do is take control of yourself, and make thoughtful, rather than impulsive decisions. It takes a bit of self-control, and more consideration for the big picture, but it's certainly manageable if your relationship is worth the effort.

I wouldn't mention it to him now but assuming he takes you back and you're able to move forward with him, perhaps at some point in the future, if these urges for occasional vaj continue, the two of you could consider 1 or 2 days of the year where you're allowed to sleep with a woman. If you do discuss such an idea with him, you must allow him to set the rules and guidelines. Maybe he'll want to pick the woman, or know her. Maybe he'll insist on not knowing. Point is, he's giving up a lot and you need to let him set the terms.

Good luck brotha. I wish you the best. Maybe consider registering here and engaging in more discussions. We can be a good source of support and help for you, outside your normal circle of friends.

[putresVigil]

[COLOR="DarkOliveGreen"]Have you let anyone know you are dating this guy that you love? I ask because I am confused why a girl at your work would be putting moves on you if she knew you were dating another guy already.

As for the post, believe it or not while it is less common for men, having an affectional orientation that is different than the sexual orientation is not unheard of. Affectional orientation is who you are romantically attracted to. My first love seems similar to your story. I always considered myself straight and then fell in love with another guy. With me, it shifted my sexual orientation entirely as well, though. I now fantasize about guys and rarely girls (making me bisexual and homoromantic). You sound heterosexual and biromantic yourself.
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Are you ready to settle down? Are you even looking for that sort of relationship at your age? it is cool if not but be honest with him. He sounds like a bit of a soft hearted guy with self esteem issues and, as another poster said, it is hard to find good guys when you are gay. Easy to find sex but hard to find love.

[Brett240]

I'm sorry, but you sound more like you're trying to assuage your guilt than anything else. Trust is the key element in any friendship, relationship, --- once trust is violated it's very hard to repair. You don't sound like you're emotionally ready to be in a relationship with anyone, male or female. And that's not a criticism - if that's where you are then you need to go with it. BUT be honest about it.
You need to do some serious thinking about what you really want. Someone else mentioned self-control...
I'm looking at this from his point of view I guess, because I had a BF who behind my back would fuck anything that stood still long enough - his excuses were much the same as yours, urges and impulses and itches to scratch. The operative word here is HAD --- an after I dumped him he whined about the unfairness of it all.
Make up your mind what you want and stop trying to justify your deception.

[ddd]

You are in a very difficult situation. Being straight and romantically attracted to your best friend is not an easy issue to deal with. Consider carefully your next move - 'Are you ready to completely dedicate yourself to a man and are you able to repress your attraction to women.' First you have to answer these questions for yourself and then you would be able to decide how to continue with the whole situation. If you are ready to fight the urges and build a relationship based on trust, thereupon talk to him, apologize and explain that you are ready for a committed relationship. If you feel like you wouldn't be able to repress your desire for sex with women, be ready to explicate that to him. If he can't accept that, maybe it would be better for both of you to remain friends and not be in a relationship anymore. Staying friends with your ex is not easy, especially when you are both very young, but it isn't impossible. Effective communication could help in this case.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone, it means a lot. I just want to make it clear, I'm not trying to assuage my guilt or rationalize my behavior, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I was just explaining why I did what I did. I know cheating was wrong and of course I feel horrible about it, I was just trying to say why I did what I did any why I didn't say anything. I guess that's hard to believe, but it's true.

I get people have been put in similar situations before, and I can't imagine how horrible the pain was, but it has nothing to do with my situation with my boyfriend. It's a different relationship between two different people, regardless of similarities.

I don't mean to get defensive, but I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I know some people will brush this off as bullshit, but his feelings were the primary reason I didn't say anything.

I KNOW I should have sat him down and spoken with him about this before anything happened, and I shouldn't have cheated at all. I agree that I should have handled this totally differently and thought it through more. If I had, I would have spared him a lot of heartbreak. In trying to prevent that, I created more of it, and that's on me. I was just explaining what I thought at the time, not trying to justify it NOW.

This is the only thing I've ever been deceitful about. That shouldn't be the case because I shouldn't have been deceitful at all ever, but I've always been honest and open with him about everything. We've talked for hours and hours straight and he says he wants to try to work this out, and I told him I'd do anything to make him happy. He told me for right now he's just really hurt, but I told him I'd be to make him feel better, so I held him until he fell asleep and then I got my buddy to let me back on to see the responses, but he warned me I was in for a rough road, not that I'm surprised.

My boyfriend told me he understands my position and that not being physical with women must be really hard because if the situation were reversed and he were with a woman he might not be able to resist guys. I refuse to think he'd ever do something like I did, but that's just what he said and I told him I knew he wouldn't do that. His point was he gets where I was coming from and he'd be willing to see about opening things up enough to where I can fool around every once in a while. He says he knows I love him cause I've shown it every day we've been together, he's just been rocked by all of this, which I of course understand.

I assured him if that made him feel uncomfortable I wouldn't do it. I tried to have my cake and eat it too and protect the man I love along the way, but looking back I wish I had just kept my damn hands to myself. He told me that's where he stands, but I took some of your guys' advice without knowing it and told him it might be best for him if we were apart for a short while to get out of the intensity of all this and see where his head is really at. He agreed. I can't be selfish anymore. I want him, but if he pressures himself back into this so quickly... idk, really. I just can't let him sort this out on my terms, it's not fair to him, and I need to start being fair to him.

I know I'll come running back when the time comes, but I'm 99% sure he won't want me back, but if that's what it comes to, if that's what he decides will make him happy, then it's me who fucked it up and I'll just have to live with it somehow.

By the way, the girl at work did know, but she... didn't care I guess, I don't know.

[Charon]

Okay, we've now heard your expiation of sin again only this ending has him back in your arms although the girl in your mind isn't him. He must really care for you as he didn't A. Punch you out and B. Leave and not come back. So lets look behind door number 3 and see what might be there?

It's just possible you're bisexual. I've always thought that was a very difficult thing to be as you could have the same sexual impulses toward either sex and love two people of different sexes at the same time. IF you feel this might be the case you might try and sell him on that idea although traditionally "Separate but Equal" hasn't worked in a number of venues. I would suggest you find a counselor and discuss bisexuality with them and get their opinion and advice. You might also consider some joint counseling but only if you're sincere and not using that as a blind to make him think you're serious. Whatever else, you need to realize the portion of selfishness you've served yourself and whether you go forward with your current person, make sure they don't get too badly hurt if it's the end of the road.