TGo to my ex's Birthday dinner or not?

[novice]

I hate to post again on a situation I already have AND pretty much "know" what most people will say but I have to - it has me stressed out so bad & I can't decide what's best.

My bf of 18 months broke up about 9 weeks ago for reasons not all that clear to me. I still love & want him back but he knows that & I've spoken about it twice since then. While he claims he still likes me, enjoys my company, is attracted to me, etc blah blah blah we are not together so he doesn't want that (obviously) - I never ask him directly. It's "typical" for him to remain friends w/ his exes but to me it's crazy. I texted him "meaning" to say I've made a decision whether we can be friends or not if you want to talk about it but he read it as me saying we could be friends & "was very happy about it - he was sad the way ended the other night" (last time we talked). I have zero friends here so declining friendship is a huge deal to me (even though it's taking a toll on me).

So, I was/am either going to text him & clarify OR just stop answering if he contacts me. Problem is his best friend has now called me inviting me to my ex's B-day dinner party (an important one for him). I'm sure they both think they're doing a nice thing but to ME it is a monumental decision because I want him back & going there "faking" like it's no big deal would be highly difficult at best. I would like to meet the best friend AND my ex's sister as I never have & they're coming in from out of town.....but then again why do I care/want to if he's just my "friend"? I "know" this is all ridiculous btw!

- tell the best friend I can't come?
- tell my ex we can't be friends?
- don't do either of those, just don't go & drop it?

[Mark]

The fact you ask even though you know whats best kinda says you want to go..so I'd say go :p

[ChadCoxRox]

There's so much underneath this it's honestly impossible to answer with real care. I'd need more info to decide. I'd be wanting to know why he does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. If he likes me and has no issues with me and he just wants his freedom then why would I still "want" for him and have anything to do with anything related to him? Am I missing something about me that he's not telling me straight out to avoid risking hurt feelings? Is there feedback I could get that would help me with future relationships? Or is it he just wants time to be free to have sex with others without it being "cheating"? I'd want these answers and if going to the party would help me get them I'd wonder if I'm imposing since it is "a special" birthday gathering.

There's always a risk of over thinking things and being your own worst enemy so who can say with any real certainty without either more information or just risking it with reckless abandon?

[ChadCoxRox]

"I never ask him directly" because I don't deserve that much respect??? :confused:

[novice]

"I never ask him directly" because I don't deserve that much respect??? :confused:

I didn't ask probably because I feared he might say he was sure he doesn't want a bf relationship with me ever again - or - possibly something else equally hurtful.

As to all the other questions I too want all those answers & have tried to get them to no avail. The several reasons he's given he's turned right around & downplayed them so idk wtf. I WANT to know to "learn" something from all this. I would never go & bring any of this up then - I would simply behave in a "friendly" manner & leave.

His best friend said he "wants me to be there" & obviously my ex gave him my phone number. Without the call I never would've known about it happening at all.

He is all I have so that's why I haven't just written him off completely (which arguably I should).

[ChadCoxRox]

I didn't ask probably because I feared he might say he was sure he doesn't want a bf relationship with me ever again - or - possibly something else equally hurtful.

As to all the other questions I too want all those answers & have tried to get them to no avail. The several reasons he's given he's turned right around & downplayed them so idk wtf. I WANT to know to "learn" something from all this. I would never go & bring any of this up then - I would simply behave in a "friendly" manner & leave.

His best friend said he "wants me to be there" & obviously my ex gave him my phone number. Without the call I never would've known about it happening at all.

He is all I have so that's why I haven't just written him off completely (which arguably I should).

Well despite you sounding desparate I argue you could have another over night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He wants to have his friends and the benefits thereof, ESPECIALLY if they are codependent and needy and he can manipulate and use them. I may be totally off base, but if I felt what you feel and wondered as I replied (which is NOT me in the least btw), I'd say "que sera sera" and kiss my ass! Friend. I'd drag the feedback out so I could hurt for real instead of imaginary. Don't play it safe is how I'd approach it, ONLY for what I would learn and how I would grow from the experience in preparation for the next dude who'd be all the more lucky for my effort! Think long and hard buddy!

I love your coming here to post again. Talk about it. I'll confront you. I am sending you hugs and hugs and scowls and grimaces and snaps!~

[novice]

Well despite you sounding desparate I argue you could have another over night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ......

I love your coming here to post again. Talk about it. I'll confront you. I am sending you hugs and hugs and scowls and grimaces and snaps!~

Given my complete lack of social support I AM in a vulnerable ("needy") state. He could've had me for sex since the break up & hasn't so I don't think that's his idea at all. I know he hates hurting people so in order to lessen his guilt over me I think he'd go a long way (unknowingly selfishly since not as much for my benefit as much as his - though he probably mistakenly believes it's "helping" me too). What better way than for him to keep me around with me seemingly "ok" with being "friends" (i.e., not "hurt")? Also, since to him it's his usual m.o.o. to stay friends after break ups he thinks nothing of us being "friends" (especially after he misunderstood me to indicate I was ok with it).

My intent was to cease all contact in the unrealistic hope that he might truly miss me after several weeks or so & "legitimately" decide he wanted a relationship again. I would have to be willfully ignorant of course.

I don't mind being "confronted" on any of this - I'm not trying to vilify or praise him. I think he genuinely has some caring for me but for reasons I cannot figure out (other than "finally" he's "just not that into me", or bored, or who knows??) he doesn't want me as a bf but if he can keep a "friend" why not? If you're not as emotionally invested a person can do that!

[CellarDweller]

I wouldn't go if I was in your position. You still want more than friendship, he's not in that place.

If you go, you should prepare yourself for ending up at home alone, missing him, reliving memories, and being upset.

[novice]

If you go, you should prepare yourself for ending up at home alone, missing him, reliving memories, and being upset.

True....but that's already where I am.....so I almost feel like why not at least spin the roulette wheel & hope I get lucky (or at least "gain some ground")? The only thing holding me back is that I might have more "influence" on things doing nothing - so at least he has to wonder if I've finally seen the light & given up on him.

[ChadCoxRox]

My my this is a dilemma!

Well he has to have some endearing qualities for you to hold out hope and love him. It sounds like he has a very different way of believing and valuing than you. He clearly does not value what a true friend is. I hope you'll be investing in you through all this. Don't let him be your only "world" when you can easily expand your connections without even worrying about dating or boyfriends, etc.

I think the idea of not going is stronger than the idea of going.