Tell my friend his BF is cheating?

[Brett240]

First of all, I know I behaved like a complete jerk in this situation and I'm feeling disgusted with myself right now.

Anyway, my friend has been dating this guy for 7 months - the guy is really hot and very flirtatious, which I know sometimes upsets my friend. So --- the BF called me yesterday and asked if he could come over and talk to me about some issues they were having. He trotted out a variation of the oldest cliché in the book "my wife doesn't understand me"
and started coming on really strong. I have to admit I've always been secretly attracted to him. We ended up making out and then giving each other oral.

I have no idea how to handle this. Do I tell my friend what happened? Or of I don't, will it be worse if he somehow finds out? Either way, I'm pretty sure I've destroyed the friendship. Even if he doesn't find out, I feel so guilty I don't think I can face him and pretend nothing happened.

I told his BF that it wasn't going to happen again and he just laughed and said he knew I didn't mean that. Did I mention that he's also arrogant? I don't know what the right thing to do is at this point.

[HaZe]

You need to be honest and tell your friend. It's the least you can do for being a scumbag.

[Dan1980]

Your friend deserves to know that his boyfriend is a cheat. You may off ruined a good friendship, all you can do is tell him how sorry you are and let your friend decided what to do about your friendship. If he doesn't want to carry on being friends remember it's your fault that you lost the friendship.

[ChadCoxRox]

Tell your friend he can trust that his bf is not trustworthy and neither is his bestie who just sucked him. Then at least he'll know he can trust you to fess up no matter what. MAYBE you'll salvage the friendship and if so it may be the best in the end as that type of dick is not as attractive as it tastes.

[Hahamango]

Even if he doesn't find out, I feel so guilty I don't think I can face him and pretend nothing happened.

To me, it sounds like you've already answered the question with that statement.. I mean, what kind of quality of friendship do you think you will have now, if you'll only feel awkward every time you hang out?

Honestly, I have really mixed feelings on this issue, because I understand that you're wanting to preserve your friendship. But at the same time, if his boyfriend isn't committed to the relationship, your friend would probably want to know. Just put yourself in your friend's position and do what you would want your friend to do to you if you were in the same situation.

[East]

I agree...putting yourself in his position would be the best approach.

I would caution one thing...if you do tell him...take responsibility for your own role in it. Don't portray yourself as the victim...and if you say you are sorry to him...explain why you are sorry. First...to youself...then...to him.

I am not a big fan of empty apologies...I would rather have nothing.

[Jaxx37]

I think you owe it to both your friend and to yourself to be honest about this situation - if you leave it and he finds out from someone else, or in the unlikely event that his boyfriend confesses then the fall out will be even worse - he may pin all the blame on you and your friend may well choose to believe him. However in telling your friend the truth you will have to face the fact that he is unlikely to ever trust you again, even if the boyfriend was putting the moves on you - you're going to be the one that couldn't resist his charms and somehow that makes it worse. For all you know he already knows what the boyfriend is like and so it may hurt him more that you as his best friend were unable to resist.

That said it is better that he hears about this from you rather than someone else. You won't be able to hide the guilt that you feel and so he will know something is wrong, I'm not sure that you'd be able to keep something this big from him when you're feeling so bad about it.

The simple truth is that you have to tell him, it will come out eventually - these things always do. Sadly though that means you're likely to have to prepare yourself for the end of your friendship. I hope that things work out for you though my friend - no matter what happens though you cannot allow yourself to go back to the boyfriend for a repeat performance, no matter how hard he is to resist, if you do that you will only end up hating yourself.

[azulai]

Be honest with your friend and let him decide whether or not your friendship is something he wants.

The cheater sounds manipulative and predatory. Your honesty may even save your friend from a mentally abusive relationship down the road.

You also need to encourage your friend to get tested for STD/STIs especially if he thought the relationship was monogamous. Someone with the personality you described can easily manipulate the bf to bareback.

So I wouldn't worry so much about your friendship as his health.

[CellarDweller]

You need to tell your friend what happened. If he cheated with you, he could be cheating with others, and if he's not being safe, your friend could be exposed to any number of diseases.

[East]

I have to add one important thing. The advice about telling on the boyfriend looks good on paper and makes sense BUT if he is even half as manipulative as I think he is...he could easily blame it all on you with a pretty good chance of success....

That is why it is important for you to own it because anything less and the guy will blame it all on you and you will be the only "bad guy".

I was a bartender in a gay bar for 20 years and I watched this very thing play out more times than I can say...and it is a bad idea to challenge the manipulative boyfriend unless you are willing to be completely humble and honest because he will turn it on you.

He may have called you over in order to separate you and his friend. If he is a controlling and manipulative person...he will want to isolate your friend from all of his friends. I had a man try to do this very thing to me....he was almost successful.

I also used to regularly get the boyfriend of a friend of mine "confess" something to me in the hopes I would tell my friend so he could "prove" I was trying to break them up and isolate the guy from me or and the rest of the friends. It is a common move of a controlling and jealous and insecure man.

I also got the seductions ...but I would never go for that (and I was even a slut...just an ethical one )