A little update of my previous situation and some advice needed

[Anonymous]

Hello guys!

So some time ago I made this thread http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=28213

I received support and lots of good tips from you all that made my life a little more bearable. Although this guy never really stopped bugging me, making all kinds of stupid comments, it felt really good to know you all support me.

The thing is that because of his excellent marks this guy got a chance to go on an exchange program. He accepted and now he's studying abroad and he won't be back until autumn.

And now comes the weird part. I know I should probably feel happy now. No one is bugging me anymore, no one is calling me a fag, queer or sissy and no one is implying that it's time for me to go to the mental hospital because I'm gay. Everyone should feel relieved once the bully is away, but not me I guess. I miss him, I miss him terribly and every day. I think about him every night before going to sleep. I heard some of the guys he hung out with talking that he's doing good and is satisfied with his studies. Lots of times I've thought about e-mailing him to ask how is he and what is he doing, but I'm sure he wouldn't answer because of his dislike to gays and especially me.

Every day I'm waiting for him to come back, how weird is that? I know that when he does come back, everything - swearing at me, jeering and mockery of my orientation will come back with him, but somehow it doesn't matter to me. I want to see him and hear his voice again so badly. What's going on?

[Mark]

I don't think its unusual at all this guy in whatever manner he displayed it gave a lot of time and focus to you. I'm aware he was being a bully and a dick at that - but its still a lot of time given to you. They say there is a fine line between love and hate.. and I guess this may be where you are at the moment? You dislike him because of the way he treated you, but is it possible you don't know how to deal with the extra feelings there and considering it as something more?

Anyway again I'm going off the point I'm trying to make.. I think it may be the attention he gave you that you miss.. Someone that notices you all the time in whatever manner may not always be a bad thing?

[Anonymous]

It's not that I'm alone here, I've friends here in the university and lots of good people around me who can make me smile and laugh, who can make me feel important. But with him it's something different.

I thought that I might be in love with him, but what's the point of unrequited love? He has always looked at me with nothing but hate and we've never had as much as decent human relationships, not even talking about being friends and more. He would never ever love me and besides he's straight or at least decided to pretend straight, always with girls.

Anyway my situation now is how it is. He was bad to me and I miss him so much that I sometimes get angry with myself because of it.

[Mark]

I didn't mean for it to sound like you were alone.. It just sounds like he obviously singled you out and gave a lot of attention and focus to you as it seemed to happen any time he saw you and he went out of his way to make a big deal out of it.

With Love we can't choose who we fall in love with whether it be returned or not plus trying to make any logical sense of it is more of a mind game than I'd like to play! You shouldn't get angry at yourself you know it isn't your fault. It might be in some bizarre turn of events you do care for this guy even if he was a jerk.

We miss familiar surroundings and as humans we don't seem to embrace change very well.. Now he's gone things have changed.. Is it possible you just don't like the change?

[Anonymous]

I don't really know is it because of change or something. In any case that's a good change- my bully is away and instead of being happy, I think about the time when we'll meet again. That is weird.

[Mark]

I don't really know is it because of change or something. In any case that's a good change- my bully is away and instead of being happy, I think about the time when we'll meet again. That is weird.

Who are we to try and understand how the human mind works :p Hopefully over time you will forget him and just move past it.

[ChadCoxRox]

Yes sirreeee, weird. Hey is there any way you can send him a note telling him how you feel?
Maybe his reply would help you SNAP out of it!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

I.could send him an email, but I'm afraid of what will he answer and would he answer at all.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sounds a bit like Stockholm syndrome.

Victims of abuse often kinda sorta like it, thus when it ends it is unnerving to the victim and they often want the abuse to return.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation with this guy - your deeper feelings and all of that. But, I think you may want to seriously consider getting a bit of therapy to deal with the abuse you suffered.

Being bullied is being abused. This fella left an impression on you and it may not be wholly healthy for you.

[Edward]

Well, if you really like him, then what can you do? Wait, maybe he'll be a different person when he comes back.