What's on Your Mind

[Insertnamehere]

I learned that sometimes just turning around and embracing all the chaos and even inducing any more walls that are going to fall to do so sooner than later will get you done with all it is alot quicker.

That sounds brilliant. Mighty brilliant. I might just go for that.

Thank you sir.

[Insertnamehere]

This morning I woke up screaming 'HELLLLLPPPPP!' after a particularly vivid dream in which the person who made me feel very uncomfortable NYE (in real life) crept in my room (in the dream) and tried getting into bed with me and covering up my mouth.

I asked my housemate if they'd heard me screaming and they said not this time, but the night before they'd heard me shouting out 'NO!!!' in my sleep.

I must have been stressed out this week because I only talk (and when I say talk, usually it's shouting in fear) in my sleep when I'm worried about things.

Have had plenty of similar waking ups myself. Often when I don't want to deal with things that are happening.

Stress is very much the catalyst of many situations like this. Handling stress is key.

I always find it funny how mechanisms that evolved to be of help in particular challenges (i.e: Immune Response, Stress) are counterproductive and damaging if they remain "turned on" for long.

[Pshtaif]

If the magic mirror were real, they would reflect my life.

[IanSaysHi]

Have had plenty of similar waking ups myself. Often when I don't want to deal with things that are happening.

Stress is very much the catalyst of many situations like this. Handling stress is key.

I always find it funny how mechanisms that evolved to be of help in particular challenges (i.e: Immune Response, Stress) are counterproductive and damaging if they remain "turned on" for long.

It's odd because I spent my twenties in jobs where every day felt a battle. When I was a chef, I worked the craziest hours, felt constantly trapped and deflated, I wasn't sleeping and if it wasn't for the people I worked with, I'd have gone bonkers. I'd spend my days off on edge in case the dreaded call came through - "So-and-so is sick, we need you to work". Easy solution was to not answer my phone or say I'd gone somewhere for the day, but you'd be questioned/interrogated on your return as to why you never answered your phone, plus I'm not a fan of lying (did too much of it in my teens). It was only thanks to my epilepsy that got worse as my hours increased (at one stage I'd sleep in the restaurant so I could get everything done the next day and I'd be there til 3am some nights anyway), that led to me leaving. I could cope with the odd seizure but 7 in six months took it out of me so I just quit.

Now I'm in a job I adore, and I think because I spent 12 years doing intense work and hours, it's like I still can't believe you can be happy in a job. I'm always on a mission to impress as I never want my career to end. However I think this has led to me always concentrating on the rare times things go wrong, rather than the positive feedback I get almost every day (sorry if I sound big headed - not my intention at all and if anything I'm one for putting myself down). I'm really trying to stop seeing the small bumps in the road as end-of-the-world scenarios. My Dad suffered from stress intensely and I hope I can conquer mine

[Insertnamehere]

It's odd because I spent my twenties in jobs where every day felt a battle. When I was a chef, I worked the craziest hours, felt constantly trapped and deflated, I wasn't sleeping and if it wasn't for the people I worked with, I'd have gone bonkers. I'd spend my days off on edge in case the dreaded call came through - "So-and-so is sick, we need you to work". Easy solution was to not answer my phone or say I'd gone somewhere for the day, but you'd be questioned/interrogated on your return as to why you never answered your phone, plus I'm not a fan of lying (did too much of it in my teens). It was only thanks to my epilepsy that got worse as my hours increased (at one stage I'd sleep in the restaurant so I could get everything done the next day and I'd be there til 3am some nights anyway), that led to me leaving. I could cope with the odd seizure but 7 in six months took it out of me so I just quit.

Now I'm in a job I adore, and I think because I spent 12 years doing intense work and hours, it's like I still can't believe you can be happy in a job. I'm always on a mission to impress as I never want my career to end. However I think this has led to me always concentrating on the rare times things go wrong, rather than the positive feedback I get almost every day (sorry if I sound big headed - not my intention at all and if anything I'm one for putting myself down). I'm really trying to stop seeing the small bumps in the road as end-of-the-world scenarios. My Dad suffered from stress intensely and I hope I can conquer mine

In your case, dealing with stress means putting things in perspective. Clearly if you suffer over the little bits that go wrong without taking into account the majorly positive output you seem to have, then you put a seed in the back of your head that will pop out when you are not conscious to control what your neurons are doing and which ones are communicating bewteen themselves.

Your last bit seemed to have taken way too much of your energy for your body to respond at night. Your illness got worse. Expectable! Currently this is not the case, and the brain is now left with enough glucose to put in motions proper repair mechanisms.

You fear something? Got worried? Didn't want to think about it during the day?

There you go, it will come bite you in the ass at night. Stress mobilizes fuel from storage and involves generation of hormones with not only physiological effects but that are also neurotransmitters. Keep that in mind and get a way to handle it.

[InbetweenDreams]

I do smile a lot but not in photograph because as you know... heh.

However, I do believe that you are right. I shouldn't put myself down just because of what few people have said about my face. To be frank, deep down I do know that I have pleasant looking face and was said so by people around. An expat named Keith from Irieland used to greet me, Ciao Bello every morning. But I was scared to acknowledge my face because of the strong critics I've had in the past including from my own family members.

Nonetheless I'm done with that.

I now acknowledge my face. To my critics, screw them.

Anyway enough about me. I salute you for your commitment and determination to compete in triathlon. I wish you nothing but the best to complete your triathlon. When is the triathlon going to be held?

My target this year is to compete in Viper Challenge, which is an obstacle event.

First, you should get a photo of yourself smiling... a real smile too. I'm trying myself, it is not easy for me to smile...not for the same reasons but does relate sort of....I think I just look goofy or something it is a weird feeling I get.

I actually do not know when the triathlon will be, but I know it is this summer... No idea how long it is, whether it is a super sprint or something longer... I've timed a few triathlons with the same guy who talked me into doing one...and it was 1.2 mile swim, 17 mile bike and I think something like a 6.2 mile run... I know there are much longer courses...in fact he puts on a race in the summer a 5k (3.1 mile) swim across the lake...

At any rate I think I can get decent enough to at least complete the race, I know I'm not going to win, I mean not saying it isn't impossible but unlikely, I think I missed the mark to be at that level of competition, so for me it is just the goal of doing it.

I think it would be a major accomplishment for me. The only thing that I worry about is myself getting negative thoughts about things... That seems to fuck up more things is just thinking negatively about myself, things going on in my life. Being happy, being positive isn't as easy... I can sort of relate to how I was swimming for the first time last week... trying to get in the rhythm of exhaling under water and inhaling in the middle of a stroke, the mechanics aren't easy. Nothing seems to be very easy, especially at first, again it is mind over matter... I think I really. truly know what it means now.

So yes, go snap a selfie of those pearly whites... considering the hard work you have done to get to where you are today I think you owe it to yourself. I mean if I had accomplished that...well let's just say I'd own a selfie stick lol

[Jay]

I actually do not know when the triathlon will be, but I know it is this summer... No idea how long it is, whether it is a super sprint or something longer... I've timed a few triathlons with the same guy who talked me into doing one...and it was 1.2 mile swim, 17 mile bike and I think something like a 6.2 mile run... I know there are much longer courses...in fact he puts on a race in the summer a 5k (3.1 mile) swim across the lake...

At any rate I think I can get decent enough to at least complete the race, I know I'm not going to win, I mean not saying it isn't impossible but unlikely, I think I missed the mark to be at that level of competition, so for me it is just the goal of doing it.

I think it would be a major accomplishment for me. The only thing that I worry about is myself getting negative thoughts about things... That seems to fuck up more things is just thinking negatively about myself, things going on in my life. Being happy, being positive isn't as easy... I can sort of relate to how I was swimming for the first time last week... trying to get in the rhythm of exhaling under water and inhaling in the middle of a stroke, the mechanics aren't easy. Nothing seems to be very easy, especially at first, again it is mind over matter... I think I really. truly know what it means now.

How shall I say this, don't think at all during the competition. Let your mind be a bit blank. Just be there at the starting line and off you go.

The night before I did my 10k race, I was ready to withdraw and not showing up at the race. Doubts and negative thoughts suddenly roamed around that night. I was thinking what if my injured leg gives out in the middle of the race.

But I forced myself to go to the race on next morning. Bit scared and all. But I rather fail to try then not trying at all. You have to do something crazy or out of your comfort zone once in your life.

So there I was at the starting line. I was in the middle of a big crowd of marathon runners. Everyone was so excited and pumped out. I switched on my music. I stayed calm and I got myself ready in position.

Then off we went.

I ran and just, ran. I didn't think about my surrounding. I just focused on my music.

After the first 500m, I suddenly had tears strolling down my cheeks. I couldn't believe that I was running in a half marathon. I thought, "Jay, you were morbid obese; you can barely walk 10 years ago and look where you are now."

At 5km, my injured leg begins to act up. But I continued to run; on a slower phase. My leg went back to normal few minutes afterward. So I sped up my phase.

Next thing I know, I crossed the finish line. It was the greatest feeling ever.

Yeah, I agree with you. Don't think about winning. Think about completing the competition within your own phase.

Put in your mind, you're a badass. You're competing in a triathlon. Not everyone can do it.

I always remind myself that I'm a badass when I'm about to do something crazy/challenging like entering a competition or even carrying heavier weights in a gym. The word 'badass' transmits a positive and bold message to my entire body.

[InbetweenDreams]

Well I'm bummed a bit... Seems nothing ever works out in the end... Always goes about the same way when I do find someone I really do like... Oh well, just the way it goes I guess...

Well, got to put the ceiling fan back together... Sore from all the running yesterday, making all of this much more fun...

[Insertnamehere]

I think I used the word nightmarish to describe the day.

It's exactly like that. I don't know exactly what's triggering this, but the last 2 nights I've been having an average of 3 nightmares per night, that I don't remember, I wake up with each one when it gets intense and there you go, I'm not having a particularly good sleep.

If I could remember these, I may find a way to deal with whatever issue is happening, but I don't. That's problematic.

[InbetweenDreams]

[MENTION=21041]Jay[/MENTION] Well that's pretty much what I do on my runs, listen to music and eventually my mind goes blank.

Well I think by August I should be able to swim half way decent...

So the triathlon will be on August 13 at 6 PM in the evening... it is 1/4 mile swim, 12 mile bike and 2 mile run. I definitely will have the running down and if I keep up on my eating and keep running and so on I think I can get down to 165 by then, not 100% sure but at any rate I will be in much better shape by then for sure...and hopefully I will feel better about how I look and build confidence... I think a lot of my problem stem there... among other things but, just have to try to be better than I am today as person.