What's on Your Mind

[Mahidevran]

I wonder why all the most interesting threads here are locked.

[Insertnamehere]

^ Most likely old threads.


*Sigh* Wish I could be on a beach on a cold stormy day instead of this....summer shit.

[Jay]

Umm...is that a bad thing, @Insertnamehere? Honestly, does it scare guys away? lol

All these stuff happened few years ago though. I was around 28/29 years old. I just came out and well, I was still young, energetic and excited of being myself for the first time.

I'm much low profile and laid back now. Still bold but not as in your face like I was in the past.

Before I came out and while I was still losing weight, I was a different person with different personality. I was still learning to have self esteem, confidence etc. Around 2007, I met a guy named Dylan Walker originated from San Diego. He was in his 50s at the time. He shared a lot of his stories - coming out, losing friends to AIDS, gay stuff in 70s and 80s...he taught me stuff to prepare myself and not to repeat his mistakes.

He then taught me to be outspoken and be confident with myself. He also assisted to improve my English fluency. He always joked on how he was able to corrupt and 'westernize' me. What he meant was Asians are typically shy and a bit reserved. I was like that and then I changed. I become confident, outspoken, open, direct etc. I'm still very much 'Asian-like' but as my friends described, 'very modern for a Malay and a Muslim (I'm agnostic but my background is Islam)."

Dylan was in your face type of guy. I remember talking to him after several months not seeing him. The first thing that he noticed and said to me, "Jay, your English fell off sharply. Not as good as before."

Bam.

I wasn't offended. He was right. I used to be fluent - speak and write properly. Nowadays, I become a bit, eh. I can still still speak and write properly but I'm just bit lazy. It's not just with English but even with local language (mother tongue). My fluency depends with who and to whom I speak/write to. My Indonesian accent only comes out when I speak to certain or random people.

One thing that I still haven't changed ... I'm quite naive. Almost everyone knows that. Not naive as in stupid kind of way but too innocent/kind that I can easily be exploited. I remember how my ex boss and colleagues had to protect me (around 2009/2010) because I just came out, way too naive and still learning about life. Throughout 2009 up until last year, I made so many mistakes. I 'allowed' people to use and exploit me. It happened once in this forum few years ago. Several members like PrinceAlbert and East probably still remember. I was so scared by my stupid mistake for helping a 'homeless' forum member that I deleted my GS account. Last year, I was used and backstabbed by a friend. A friend that I considered as my best friend. That was really painful. One of the reasons I went into depression.

And I went off topic again.

Sorry for babbling.

I just re-read my previous post. The way I described everything, eh it makes me sound a bit as*-like or something like that. Or maybe I'm thinking too much again.

Oh well, I've never said I'm perfect.

By the way, I was in the gym from 1.30pm until 6pm. lol God, I have no life. I trained my legs and arms today. I was actually happy with my training today particularly with my Back Squat. Surprisingly, I was able to add additional weight into my squat. Made a new personal record.

Today's training was my official return to workout after being absent from gym and work for almost a week plus due to virus infection, which nearly took my left eyesight.

I did train yesterday. I trained my back. But I was quite weak and awkward particularly while doing deadlift.

But today was the opposite. I gave my full effort and strength. I kicked butt today. Amen!

[ceez]

It's finally snowing! This has been a very strange winter, we've had days in the 60's followed by highs in the low 40's. Yesterday I was outside in a short sleeve shirt but looks like it might stay cold for a little while.

[rado84]

Currently on my mind is a cute student I met in the hospital a few days ago. I was in a hospital for a while and he was with other students during the doctor's round. He was told by the doctor to start the interrogation about my health problem and when he finished asking questions, I told him he was very cute. The doctor and the other students laughed and so did he. Later I saw him in front of the x-ray office and invited him to come to my room the same night. He did come, we had a great time together and now I can't get him out of my mind. I only regret I forgot to ask for his cell phone number.

[IanSaysHi]

Today for breakfast I had a yoghurt, and although I really had to force myself I managed to eat two Danish pastries as well which I was really proud of. Then I walked around town, this was pretty boring but I bought a chapstick and some shoes.
After this half hour of exercise it was back to it and I managed to do some heavy finger presses on my XBox controller, I managed to hack the head off a monster so that was pretty cool.
Then I went to London, I stood on the tube for 10 mins which really helped make room for the scone I then had with clotted cream and jam. Then me and my friends decided we were still hungry so we had some double chocolate chunk cookies.
Then we talked about our Christmasses and how I got twerked on NYE by my sister's friend, then we went into central London for my friend's birthday and had a curry. We had poppadoms and chutneys and curries and rice and peshwari naan and I had three JD and Cokes. Then we ate cake and my friend opened his present from us which was a pair on converse.
I don't feel I ate as much as I could so next week I'll try and improve on my portions.

[CellarDweller]

I need to do laundry tomorrow

[Jay]

I haven't spoken and seen my 'best friend' since last November. Yes, I considered him my best friend but he never sees more than just a close friend. He said he treats all of his friends equally. Funny as I was the one he sought 24/7 every day and night to talk on phone for hours, whatsapp, dinner every weekend and movie on every Friday.

I'm cutting him off from my life. It's a decision that I've made without telling him.I 'm sure he's aware that I am truly hurt by the friendship and I couldn't bare to go through it again. Yep, I did promise to protect and be there for him all the time. And I did. Many times. But he didn't see my worth. He just pushed me away for the sake of his other friends who love to sweet talk him 24/7.

I'm not that type of friend. I'm a brutally honest friend that doesn't have problem to critic you when it is necessary. If you're being a dick, I will you tell you that right on your face. I will not sugarcoat and lie about it. But in return, I will give you the sincerest friendship that you can ever find. Loyalty to the end. I will take bullet for you. I will shower you with so much tenderness that it will make you vomit rainbow.

But you hurt me. So much. So many times. You abandoned me for your other friends after I fought and defended you against your enemies. I smeared my name to save you. In return, you pushed me away.

Funny that you have the nerve to seek for me when you collapsed for the second and also the third time.Why didn't you seek your other friends? Oh, yeah...they chickened out as always.

So I had to make a decision for my own sanity and goodness. Cut the ties and let go. To forget you, I had to throw away all of our photos and the birthday present that you gave me. I also deleted your telephone number. But throwing things away are not enough to let you go from my mind because I've invested so much of my friendship in you. God, I love you so much.

Anyway you've made your decision. You can have all of your other friends who love to glorify you. I don't want to be apart of your circle anymore.

I'm not saying that I've done nothing wrong because I know I did many wrongs to you. But I've never neglected you. Not even once. You left me when I had a depression for others. But karma gets you. You ended up with a depression yourself. But I was there with you every day and night.

You once called me your prince charming. You also said I was something special. I could have been your prince charming forever but you let me go. I hope one day you will open your eyes and realize what you are missing.

My last advice to you; we both know you have a huge ego and a big temper. I can live with your volcanic temper but drop your big ego as it will eat you alive one day. Your willingness to feed your ego by sacrificing me. You hurt me so much.

[starlight]

Alot of things

[meridannight]

i'm revisiting Lifehouse after a break lasting a few years. Wade seems to have lost a lot of his momentum the last time i listened to what he wrote, which was in 2011-2012.