How to break up with my long time partner without hurting him?

[MikeW]

I'm a few days late to this thread but I want to reiterate what Sharkspear and others have said. Unless there is a real serious problem that can't be worked through, I don't advise discarding a seven-year relationship. There really is such a thing as "the seven year itch"… couples who've been together for years suddenly finding themselves in a place of uncertainty about their future.

I’m not sure from what you’ve said, but it isn’t uncommon for young men who are in relationships as they come out to miss the “sewing of wild oats” period of their lives. It’s fine at first but later on, as they age, they begin to feel the ‘itch’ to experiment. They begin to wonder what they’ve missed and long for that kind of freedom.

If you need to live on your own for a while, there isn't anything wrong with that. If you need to 'play the field' and have experiences you haven’t had, there's nothing wrong with that. If you need to find out for yourself whether or not you want to continue to be in this relationship, there’s nothing wrong with that. But both you and your partner need to understand exactly you're doing. This is why men sometimes separate for a period of time or have open relationships, incase you don’t know. They remain monogamous emotionally but have sex with others outside of the relationship, and sometimes together within it. Tricky prospect but it is done.

In any case, I agree you need to have a conversation with your partner. You need to let him know what is going on inside you. (And I advise you be very clear about that before you have the conversation, even if you need to see a counselor first to help you figure it out.) Of course doing so will bring up emotions you will both have to face. But if you don’t open them up and face them the relationship will go south, there’s no doubt about it. On the other hand, facing them will bring clarity (although it may take some time and you may have to wade through some crap).

Bottom line: Don’t just end it. Give both yourself, your partner and your relationship the respect you/he/it deserve and see whether or not it can be saved. It is worth fighting for.

[Anonymous]

I had this talk with my partner yesterday. I never thought it would be so hard. It looked like he never suspected something is up. When I said I don't love him anymore and want to break up, he was so shocked and reacted so hysterically I never thought he would. He was crying his eyes out, he hugged and held me the whole evening, asking me so many questions with all the whys and hows that I couldn't possibly answer them all. He was all about "what did I do wrong" and I couldn't assure him that it's not his fault. He also asked me to explain why I don't love him anymore after all these years we spent together and I cannot give him some special reason, because there's none. It hurt me a lot to see him like this, so desperate, almost like if I would have told him I'm dying not that we're breaking up.

Right now he refuses to break up and asks me to give us some more time, at least some few months. He says he'll make me to fall in love with him again. I don't really understand why does he want this time for? I don't think something will change during few months.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Right now he refuses to break up and asks me to give us some more time, at least some few months. He says he'll make me to fall in love with him again. I don't really understand why does he want this time for? I don't think something will change during few months.

He wants the time to try and earn back your interest and hopefully your love. To try and help you remember and revive the love you felt for him.

If you aren't interested? Then you need to put your foot down and tell him so. It sounds like you aren't. It sounds like you'd rather walk away.

And honestly? As crushing as it might be, if I put myself in his shoes..... you should put your foot down. Leading him on for a few months while he puts his all into making you happy and all -you- want to do is move on to something or someone else? IMO... It's beyond cruel. Maybe even emotionally abusive.

[Uneunsae]

I think you are taking this relationship for granted. Don't get caught into this trap of "chasing the thrill". You can create new passion in your relationship, but you might have to get to know each other again since, as many have already told you, we all change with time. But that means you can date all over again!

Love is not easy to find in this world. Sometimes it only comes along once or twice. It saddens me that many people have a disposable mentality when it comes to romantic partners.

But yes, if you've already made up your mind that you don't want to be with him then do NOT lead him on. It is very cruel, as Twist just said.

[meninlove]

I had this talk with my partner yesterday. I never thought it would be so hard. It looked like he never suspected something is up. When I said I don't love him anymore and want to break up, he was so shocked and reacted so hysterically I never thought he would. He was crying his eyes out, he hugged and held me the whole evening, asking me so many questions with all the whys and hows that I couldn't possibly answer them all. He was all about "what did I do wrong" and I couldn't assure him that it's not his fault. He also asked me to explain why I don't love him anymore after all these years we spent together and I cannot give him some special reason, because there's none. It hurt me a lot to see him like this, so desperate, almost like if I would have told him I'm dying not that we're breaking up.

Right now he refuses to break up and asks me to give us some more time, at least some few months. He says he'll make me to fall in love with him again. I don't really understand why does he want this time for? I don't think something will change during few months.

He's in love with you, has built a life with you, thought he had a future with you. It's that simple.

[Iceblink]

He was all about "what did I do wrong" and I couldn't assure him that it's not his fault.

You couldn't? I don't want to be harsh, but from the information given in your original post, this does kinda seem to be your fault. You do not give any indication he did something wrong, but that you changed. When you say things like this:

When I said I don't love him anymore and want to break up,he was so shocked and reacted so hysterically I never thought he would

about a person that you have spent years of your life with, a person that does not appear to have done wrong or been a bad person, this is not exactly normal. Unless there has been some sort of abuse, neglect, or cheating, most people still love, while not in love, those they break up with, even if breaking up is the best thing to do for the relationship. When you are surprised about how hard he is taking this when you sprung this on him with him not knowing anything was wrong, I think really says more about you as a person than it does him. From what I've seen in this thread, you do not really seem to be taking personally responsibility for your part in this and seem to discount his emotions and feelings. You need to do some soul-searching before getting into relationships in the future, because, and sorry for being so tough with you, you do not really seem to be much a gem in the relationship department. The focus of this thread, despite the title, really seems to be, "how can I make this easier for me" instead of what it should be, "how can i make this process easier for the poor guy I'm dumping."

[BayGuy]

You couldn't? I don't want to be harsh, but from the information given in your original post, this does kinda seem to be your fault. You do not give any indication he did something wrong, but that you changed. When you say things like this:

about a person that you have spent years of your life with, a person that does not appear to have done wrong or been a bad person, this is not exactly normal. Unless there has been some sort of abuse, neglect, or cheating, most people still love, while not in love, those they break up with, even if breaking up is the best thing to do for the relationship. When you are surprised about how hard he is taking this when you sprung this on him with him not knowing anything was wrong, I think really says more about you as a person than it does him. From what I've seen in this thread, you do not really seem to be taking personally responsibility for your part in this and seem to discount his emotions and feelings. You need to do some soul-searching before getting into relationships in the future, because, and sorry for being so tough with you, you do not really seem to be much a gem in the relationship department. The focus of this thread, despite the title, really seems to be, "how can I make this easier for me" instead of what it should be, "how can i make this process easier for the poor guy I'm dumping."

Very well stated.

I am struck by the OP's refusal to consider counseling to see why his feelings changed and if there is anything that could have been done to save the relationship. To throw out a relationship and hurt someone because that's just "how I feel now" seems incredibly selfish.

OP - It might not be too late to go the counseling route. Looks like your guy or ex-guy still cares deeply for you. Even if the result of counseling indicates it's best to move on you both will have a better understanding of the situation and you will have a better foundation for a future relationship. If you refuse that would say something about what kind of person you are. In that case hopefully your ex will find someone worthy of him and you will likely have trouble in any future relationship. Karma is alive and well.

[Camfer]

OP, I obviously don't know you at all. I am not trying to be critical here, but give you some things to think about. If I am way off base please disregard what I am about to say once you have truly considered it.

What strikes me most about your thread is it makes me think you may not be a person who is at this point in your development able to accept fully another man's love. Sure it's possible that this guy is not the guy for you. It's also possible that your ability to make deep ties is lacking. I wonder how genuinely close you are to your family and friends. I wonder how close you ever were to your boyfriend.

People here are suggesting couples counseling, but another possibility is to explore your own intimacy issues with a therapist to discover why it is you want to shift this relationship you've built with a man who you say "gets" you and really does love you a great deal. You might find it fruitful to explore this now, while you're still in dialogue with your man, and, if you decide that you're now single, to get some things figured out before you partner up with someone else.

Your partner is asking for a few months. It might be a good opportunity to take this time and work on yourself. You don't think anything will be different, but I get a sense that you could gain a lot of insight into yourself at this time.

[Anonymous]

"To throw out a relationship and hurt someone because that's just "how I feel now" seems incredibly selfish. "

So what do you mean? I don't think it's selfish if I don't want to be together with a man I don't love. Should I sacrifice my whole life just because we spent some time together? I don't think so.

[ChadCoxRox]

It's never easy being the asshole and without flat out resorting to angry words it's best to just walk away from the thread than be one myself. So nice to hear he loves you anyway.