How to break up with my long time partner without hurting him?

[Anonymous]

I need an advice about what to do with this situation in my life. I’ve a boyfriend, we’re together for 7 years already. We met when it was very hard for me to come out as gay and when I finally did, he was there with me and he supported me a lot, he understood me like no one ever had. We fell in love and we were happy. We’ve always been together through thick and thin, we’ve always cared for each other, we loved each other a lot. All this time I couldn’t imagine I could be together with someone else but him, I was sure that he’s my partner for life.

However now, after 7 years I feel that something has changed. It feels like something has burned out inside of me. I don’t know how or when exactly it happened, but I don’t love him like I did before. Sometimes it even feels like I don’t love him at all anymore and that I’m together with him just because I’m used to him and I know him well. It’s not because I have someone else in mind, I’m not in love with some other guy. He’s still very important to me , but love is something more than that and I feel like it’s gone. We’re still doing everything as a couple – kissing, cuddling, having sex, but I don’t feel the spark of it anymore. I wouldn’t even call it making love, now for me sex with him is just that – sex. I don’t see my future with him anymore and I’m not sure he’s the person I want to spend my life with. So I’ve came to the conclusion that the best for us would be to break up.

He doesn’t know anything about my plans. Many times I wanted to discuss it with him, but every time the timing somehow wasn't right or I just didn’t have the heart to tell him. I know this is probably going to hurt him a lot, because often he says things like „what would I do without you” or „I’m so lucky to have you”. I see that from his side nothing has changed, he loves me just as much as he did 7 years ago, if not more. I feel it in every his action, the way he looks at me, the way he cares for me.
I don’t want to hurt him as he doesn’t deserve it, he’s a wonderful person and through these years he has done very much things for me that I’ll never forget and will always be grateful for. He’s a very beautiful person, but somehow I don’t see him as my other half anymore. It seems so cruel to just tell him „we’re breaking up”, but I have to do it and I don’t know how.

[dudewithabeard]

I am sorry to hear this. I would suggest some sort of couples counseling but it seems like your mind is already made up. There will never be a right time and from what it sounds like this will be a complete and utter shock to him. But I suggest you do it soon. I also suggest that you have a game plan as to where you will be staying afterwards. This is going to be hard on him and if you were still around the house he may think that there will be something that he can do. It sounds like there is not and this will drive a bigger wedge between you. You do seem like you care for him and if there has been no trust broken that there could possibly a really good friendship that comes out of it.

but to answer your question simply, it sounds like there will be no way to do this without hurting him. Which of course will hurt you, so be prepared.

best of luck and peace be with you.

[showme]

You just have to do it. It's much more cruel to continue to let him think that you still love him.

[Sharkspeare]

Relationships sometimes go in cycles. The feelings diminish, then they come roaring back. Then they may taper off, then they may return in force. In short, be very sure this is something you want to throw away. Because from my advanced age, let me tell you that what you have is precious and it won't ever be easy to find again. Not to say it won't, but it well may not.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Putting myself in your partners shoes and imagining if this was Gideon and myself? The longer you wait, the more it's going to hurt him when it happens, so time is of the essence here.

He may suggest counseling or some other resolution and I would say that you should only take these paths if you really believe they could help and you are interested in working on it. Otherwise, it's just dragging out his pain that much more.

It sounds like your mind's set. If he's anything like me, the longer you wait, the more I'd feel like a fool for not having realized something was wrong. Or worse yet, the more painful the relationship in the interim gets as I sense something is wrong but try to hide what I'm sensing in the hope that I'm wrong.

Either way? It's better to get it over with than wait.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Relationships sometimes go in cycles. The feelings diminish, then they come roaring back. Then they may taper off, then they may return in force. In short, be very sure this is something you want to throw away. Because from my advanced age, let me tell you that what you have is precious and it won't ever be easy to find again. Not to say it won't, but it well may not.

I agree with this too. But I think it depends on how long you've been feeling this disinterest. I also think it depends immensely on if you're even interested in trying to fix things.

[POFLGBT]

I agree with dudewithabeard. There isn't going to be a good time and it's going to be a shock to him/hurt him. As far as HOW to tell him, I suggest you say something like you did in the last 2 paragraphs of your post. Let him know how important he was and is. Let him know it's nothing he did. Of course, there is no easy way for neither of you, but it helps to point out the good things when letting go.

[TheGayGrotto]

I answered this question on my blog which has a more in depth response so I won't be repetitive here.

But basically, tell him the truth. It will set you and him free. Don't wait.

[Cuddly]

If you're certain that you will not fall in love again, I guess there's no other way :S

[Mark]

If this is the way forward the fact you are asking 'how' says it is.. Then do it sooner rather than later. Like the others have said the longer you leave it the harder it will get. I don't think it matters the way in which you do it because initially he will be hurt anyway.. then a few days/weeks after you can sit down and discuss things because initially it would be too raw.

Just do it.