How to break up with my long time partner without hurting him?

[CellarDweller]

Before you break up with him, I would make sure you REALLY want that. If you are doubting, I would go to couples counseling first.

After that, if feelings haven't changed, then you need to be honest and break it off.

[MovingRtAlong]

I doubt that your partner is as unaware of your change of heart as you think he is. The very fact that he repeatedly says to you "what would I do without you?" could be a sign that he is feeling insecure about your future. There is also the possibility that he too is unsure of his feelings towards you, and doesn't know how to deal with it. So he overcompensates with the warm/fuzzy stuff.

I could be totally wrong on all of the above, but the only way for you to find out is to have an honest discussion with him. Perhaps, rather than simply making an announcement of your intent to leave, you might start out by just telling what you're feeling (and what you're not feeling). Give him a chance to tell you what's going on with him. It may be that, in doing so, you will come to see him -- and the relationship -- in a new way. You may discover that there's more left in your heart for him than you thought. But even if your dialog only confirms that it's over, at least you will know that the two of you left no stone unturned.

Good luck, man. I know from personal experience (as many here do, no doubt) that this is difficult business.

[happyschizoid]

I have seen this and it didn't end well. After they broke up he thought he would be happy but wanted to get back together after 6 months. It was too late, his partner did not get over the hurt and was afraid it would happen again. Not saying this will happen to you and this couple was only together for 2 years but maybe he would be open to a trail separation.

Good luck

[Ekwarph]

You will hurt him, but you will also hurt him by not telling the truth...

[Undreamt]

I think its important to discuss with him, there is no way to tell if he isn't in the same boat as you are.
You shouldn't be afraid to have a conversation about it, just because you are talking about it doesn't mean that you have to have made a decision as to breaking up or not.

You sound like you are in a very similar situation that i've been in.

[meninlove]

Anonymous, come and walk with me a moment. *smiles warmly* If I may, tell me about when you first met and how you felt.

-Doug

[AlfredM]

I answered this question on my blog which has a more in depth response so I won't be repetitive here.

Do share the link. It might help the OP.

This is a sad case in my opinion,for the love to just diminish,and there's not even external factor like someone new or unfulfilled sexual need. Where did it go wrong,
I wonder. :confused: If you still have any slight interest in keeping the relationship,do get couple counselling. Otherwise,break it up gently asap. :frown:

[Anonymous]

I already told how we met in the first paragraph of my post.

Yes, also the question about where and how did it go wrong bothers me. We've always been faithful each to other, we almost never argued and we were so happy. Sometimes I think that maybe it has something to do with the time, I believe it's not very often for gay couples to stay together this long. Maybe love just cannot last this long.

I know we must talk, but somehow I just cannot find the right time for that. When I come home after job in the evening, he always welcomes me with warm dinner followed by sex and I just can't ruin the moment. Basically every time he's in good mood ( and he's usually in a good mood) I cannot imagine I could spoil it all.

But at the same time, when he tells me "I love you", it's hard for me, because I realize I cannot really say the same to him anymore, at least not that much as it is for him.

[showme]

Plenty of gay couples stay together for a long time. My husband and I are working on 27 years. Meninlove have been together about that long, as have many of our real life friends.

You've had some good advice here - perhaps my initial take was too quick. Relationships are hard, straight or gay. Yes, there is romance, and there are wonderful fun times. Also arguments, differences of opinion, distractions, tragedies. In short, life.

The first thing I do when faced with a serious relationship challenge is to ask myself, am I better off with him or without him. By this time in my life I pretty much know the answer to that one, but it hasn't always been the easiest to answer.

If without, then you break up. As I said earlier there is no way to really soften the blow. It is going to hurt.

If with, then the hard work begins. What is it that caused the issue? Is it something I can life with, that I should just let go? Is he willing to work with me on it? If not, is it something that I can help by working on myself? What else can I do to get myself back to a comfortable place, that also keeps him in one? Then discuss, talk, discuss, talk some more. Try not to get heated even when he does, because you never get good results with a raised emotional temperature. Never. If you have to take a break, do it, then come back to it. Sometimes sitting silently together is the best you can do, and is actually a very productive strategy.

At this point you already know you'd rather stay, so breaking up becomes literally the last option on the table. The very last. In my experience, another solution always presents itself eventually.

If you get to a point where you just can't talk to each other without fighting, couples counseling can be very helpful in getting you communicating again. But look for a counselor with male couple experience. In my opinion, male sexuality and personalities are just different than women's, so we present different challenges than straight or lesbian couples. You don't need another gay man, but the counselor must be familiar and comfortable with the dynamics and issues facing gay male couples.

Best of luck.

[meninlove]

I already told how we met in the first paragraph of my post.

Yes, also the question about where and how did it go wrong bothers me. We've always been faithful each to other, we almost never argued and we were so happy. Sometimes I think that maybe it has something to do with the time, I believe it's not very often for gay couples to stay together this long. Maybe love just cannot last this long.

It can.
Apologies for the redundant sounding question, lol.

I was asking about how you met and how you felt in reference to remembering what the feeling of being in love was like, and why you felt it. A good psychologist friend of mine once said that he found in some couples that one forgot what they first saw/felt/touched/smelled/heard in the other. The combination of senses and feelings. Like that.

warmly,
-Doug