Anonymous Wrote:I need an advice about what to do with this situation in my life. I’ve a boyfriend, we’re together for 7 years already. We met when it was very hard for me to come out as gay and when I finally did, he was there with me and he supported me a lot, he understood me like no one ever had. We fell in love and we were happy. We’ve always been together through thick and thin, we’ve always cared for each other, we loved each other a lot. All this time I couldn’t imagine I could be together with someone else but him, I was sure that he’s my partner for life.
However now, after 7 years I feel that something has changed. It feels like something has burned out inside of me. I don’t know how or when exactly it happened, but I don’t love him like I did before. Sometimes it even feels like I don’t love him at all anymore and that I’m together with him just because I’m used to him and I know him well. It’s not because I have someone else in mind, I’m not in love with some other guy. He’s still very important to me , but love is something more than that and I feel like it’s gone. We’re still doing everything as a couple – kissing, cuddling, having sex, but I don’t feel the spark of it anymore. I wouldn’t even call it making love, now for me sex with him is just that – sex. I don’t see my future with him anymore and I’m not sure he’s the person I want to spend my life with. So I’ve came to the conclusion that the best for us would be to break up.
He doesn’t know anything about my plans. Many times I wanted to discuss it with him, but every time the timing somehow wasn't right or I just didn’t have the heart to tell him. I know this is probably going to hurt him a lot, because often he says things like „what would I do without you” or „I’m so lucky to have you”. I see that from his side nothing has changed, he loves me just as much as he did 7 years ago, if not more. I feel it in every his action, the way he looks at me, the way he cares for me.
I don’t want to hurt him as he doesn’t deserve it, he’s a wonderful person and through these years he has done very much things for me that I’ll never forget and will always be grateful for. He’s a very beautiful person, but somehow I don’t see him as my other half anymore. It seems so cruel to just tell him „we’re breaking up”, but I have to do it and I don’t know how.
I think this is what they call the SEVEN YEAR ITCH... look it up.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048605/
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The seven year itch is very real.
I just wrote you a long, heartfelt post giving serious relationship advice based on my own experience, which of course is stuck in the moderation queue. Hopefully you'll see it when it breaks free.
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Anonymous Wrote:I need an advice about what to do with this situation in my life. I’ve a boyfriend, we’re together for 7 years already. We met when it was very hard for me to come out as gay and when I finally did, he was there with me and he supported me a lot, he understood me like no one ever had. We fell in love and we were happy. We’ve always been together through thick and thin, we’ve always cared for each other, we loved each other a lot. All this time I couldn’t imagine I could be together with someone else but him, I was sure that he’s my partner for life.
However now, after 7 years I feel that something has changed. It feels like something has burned out inside of me. I don’t know how or when exactly it happened, but I don’t love him like I did before. Sometimes it even feels like I don’t love him at all anymore and that I’m together with him just because I’m used to him and I know him well. It’s not because I have someone else in mind, I’m not in love with some other guy. He’s still very important to me , but love is something more than that and I feel like it’s gone. We’re still doing everything as a couple – kissing, cuddling, having sex, but I don’t feel the spark of it anymore. I wouldn’t even call it making love, now for me sex with him is just that – sex. I don’t see my future with him anymore and I’m not sure he’s the person I want to spend my life with. So I’ve came to the conclusion that the best for us would be to break up.
He doesn’t know anything about my plans. Many times I wanted to discuss it with him, but every time the timing somehow wasn't right or I just didn’t have the heart to tell him. I know this is probably going to hurt him a lot, because often he says things like „what would I do without you†or „I’m so lucky to have youâ€Â. I see that from his side nothing has changed, he loves me just as much as he did 7 years ago, if not more. I feel it in every his action, the way he looks at me, the way he cares for me.
I don’t want to hurt him as he doesn’t deserve it, he’s a wonderful person and through these years he has done very much things for me that I’ll never forget and will always be grateful for. He’s a very beautiful person, but somehow I don’t see him as my other half anymore. It seems so cruel to just tell him „we’re breaking upâ€Â, but I have to do it and I don’t know how.
Excuse me, but the best for YOU (alone) may be that you break up... Maybe that's not the best for HIM. Maybe he doesn't even suspect that that's how you feel. In which case, whatever you say to him and how you say it, he won't understand what's hitting him. You say he still says he loves you and means it... You're going to break his heart and expectations. I think most couple counselling would tell you to try and reignite the spark that once was. But it could also be that your relationship has lived out its course.
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Anonymous Wrote:I already told how we met in the first paragraph of my post.
Yes, also the question about where and how did it go wrong bothers me. We've always been faithful each to other, we almost never argued and we were so happy. Sometimes I think that maybe it has something to do with the time, I believe it's not very often for gay couples to stay together this long. Maybe love just cannot last this long.
I know we must talk, but somehow I just cannot find the right time for that. When I come home after job in the evening, he always welcomes me with warm dinner followed by sex and I just can't ruin the moment. Basically every time he's in good mood ( and he's usually in a good mood) I cannot imagine I could spoil it all.
But at the same time, when he tells me "I love you", it's hard for me, because I realize I cannot really say the same to him anymore, at least not that much as it is for him.
It is normal for that initial spark to go with time. You just need to make your relationship move on towards something different. Consider yourself lucky if there is still sex in the relationship. Some couples lose that (but need it). You need to find out different ways of fulfilling yourself in life. Life has become too boring? Do something else, it may not be about finding a new partner, at all. It may be about meeting new challenges. That's something your partner could help you to sort out.
Have you considered, if you're feeling despondent like this, that you could be going through a mild or not so mild bout of depression?
Or have you experienced something recently that made you think that maybe the grass is greener in the neighbour's garden? Is there something you're leaving out of the equation?
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Ekwarph Wrote:You will hurt him, but you will also hurt him by not telling the truth...  That's why it's called a dilemma. The stuff Greek tragedies are made of.
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But in one case, it's a lattent pain. In the other, it's just a slap.
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Only you know whether the time has come were separation is the only way forward, and as I don't know either of you I don't feel qualified to proffer an opinion on whether its right or wrong to separate.
After 7 years together, you really need to sit down, think and plan how you want to manage a potential separation, there are lots of practical things you need to consider and plan in advance of telling him.
Here are a few things to think about, starting with some of the biggies:
Housing
Do you own or rent your house together?
If you share the costs equally, will just one of you be able to afford to keep it going?
If you co-own the house, how are you going to realise your investment?
Once you tell him where is he, or you, going to live in the immediate aftermath?
You have to think about contents ("things") who owns them, whose going to have what etc.
Financial
You will need to untangle all joint financial commitments.
If either (both) of you are working and you have employee benefits that are extended to both of you,, you will need to sort those.
Are there will(s) to sort out?
Pets
Who gets to keep the pets, if any?
Social
Often this is overlooked, and it can be the hardest to deal with emotionally.
Who is going to tell the families?
How are you going to manage your joint circle of social friendships that you have built up together over the past 7 years?
As others have said, you need to consider if this is the right thing to do, or indeed the right time to do it. There is lots to consider, and some advance planning will help you in the transition.
The bottom line is that when any relationship comes to an end, its going to hurt and be more painful for one of the individuals in the relationship.
Whatever you decide, good luck.
ObW
X
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Brilliant post ObW.... And to add to the list
SOAP?
Who gets the slippery stuff? (I just meant that as a refresher joke)...
 mile:
Sorry :frown:
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No, I'm not depressed, why should I be? I'm satisfied with my life. I've a good job with enough time for recreation, lots of good people around me, I'm quite successful. I'm not depressed, it's just that my feelings for him have changed. I remember how I felt when my heart literally jumped when I saw him, I remember I was sure of my future together with him, I thought that I'll definitely propose him one day. Now it's all gone. There are some feelings in me about him that'll never change, I respect him, always have and always will, he's very reliable person, a very kind-hearted person. We've had many wonderful moments that I'll never forget, but love is not about living in memories. It's about what happens with me right now and unfortunately now I feel that I just love him as a person, not as my lover.
He might have different opinion about this, but here's mine - we're living in his place, that belongs to him. I would just move away and he won't have to worry about where to live, because everything belongs to him. Me, I can take care of myself and I'll find where to stay until I find my own living place.
We're both working in good jobs and just like he could afford to live alone before I came, he'll be able to live alone once I'm gone.
No pets, no wills.
And why should we announce our break up to the whole world? If someone will ask me personally have we broke up, I'll answer, but actually it's no ones business but ours.
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Anonymous Wrote:No, I'm not depressed, why should I be? I'm satisfied with my life. I've a good job with enough time for recreation, lots of good people around me, I'm quite successful. I'm not depressed, it's just that my feelings for him have changed. I remember how I felt when my heart literally jumped when I saw him, I remember I was sure of my future together with him, I thought that I'll definitely propose him one day. Now it's all gone. There are some feelings in me about him that'll never change, I respect him, always have and always will, he's very reliable person, a very kind-hearted person. We've had many wonderful moments that I'll never forget, but love is not about living in memories. It's about what happens with me right now and unfortunately now I feel that I just love him as a person, not as my lover.
He might have different opinion about this, but here's mine - we're living in his place, that belongs to him. I would just move away and he won't have to worry about where to live, because everything belongs to him. Me, I can take care of myself and I'll find where to stay until I find my own living place.
We're both working in good jobs and just like he could afford to live alone before I came, he'll be able to live alone once I'm gone.
No pets, no wills.
And why should we announce our break up to the whole world? If someone will ask me personally have we broke up, I'll answer, but actually it's no ones business but ours.
From this I'm understanding you already made up your mind, but are having misgivings about how to go about it. So are you asking how you should do it?
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