Straight, but had a thing with a gay friend and confused now

[LJay]

Anonymous, you need to sit with your friend and pretty much repeat what you said in your last post.

From the perspective of many here, there is nothing wrong with having physical intimacy with another man. We know it happens frequently, but both you and your friend need to be thoroughly comfortable, respecting and honest about what is going on.

Unfortunately, the climate in Russia now could make this a very rough situation. You must both think carefully. Above all, you both need to remain close friends and work this out.

[happyschizoid]

Well, we jerked each other off and that's basically it, but that's very much already. He wanted to give me blowjob, but I said no, because we were driving long time and also stopped to pee, so I though I would be dirty. But we jerked each other and now he wants to do that again, last tme when I refused him, he kept asking me why the whole time.

Pandoras box has been opened and you need to figure out how deep you want to dig into the box. You definitely need to talk to him and tell him the same things you are posting here.

[marshlander]

I am sorry to hear you are feeling uncomfortable with what has happened. There is a good reason sometimes for not overstepping the bounds of friendship. Most of the replies here have concentrated on trying to help you see that we would not consider that you have done anything wrong. I agree with that too. However, if your friend is insisting on sexual activity with you when you have specifically pointed out that you are uncomfortable with it, he is over-stepping a boundary in your friendship and he is the one who risks spoiling it.

I appreciate the climate is difficult for gay people in some parts of Russia and that Pride has just been banned again and people have been arrested, but you can continue to be a friend without having to become his surrogate boyfriend. However, since you are now feeling confused by your own response to what has happened you could legitimately question your previous assumptions about yourself. Maybe you are not as straight as you thought? Maybe you have the capacity to like both boys and girls?

Okay, so you live in Russia. I don't know what the truth is about the way gay men are perceived and treated. I did join in with demonstrations when the anti-propaganda bill was published. If you feel you want to explore further, who are you hurting? You don't have to confess to the bearded men in dresses.

[benzo0617]

Definitely a novela without The happily ever after" at the end! Nice though!

[polfsky]

Maybe you're still figuring out your own sexuality. Being straight and gay is not black and white but a spectrum.

I think your friendship with him is very important and you don't want to ruin it. So having a clear talk with him will help. Affirm to him that you love and accept him no matter what and refusing to engage in sexual activities with him doesn't mean that you dislike him.

[Anonymous]

It's dangerous to be gay in Russia, as we have more homophobic people than liberal ones.

Its hard to define what I feel to him. I want to be intimate with him and in the same time I don't. It felt great, but if I let him touch me then maybe I'm not straight at all. It'sno like he's forcing me and I feel bad refusing him, but.... I don't want to be gay.

[Anonymous]

Its hard to define what I feel to him. I want to be intimate with him and in the same time I don't. It felt great, but if I let him touch me then maybe I'm not straight at all. It's no like he's forcing me and I feel bad refusing him, but.... I don't want to be gay.

It is sad that you are afraid to be gay in Russia - if you are gay, and I don't know that you are. There are lots of gay guys in Russia who do OK, because they are not public about being gay - like in the USA 50 years ago, when it was dangerous/illegal to be gay in the USA.

It sounds like you don't know whether you are gay or straight or some mixture. Speaking simply, you are either gay or you are not gay. If you were gay, you could not become straight just because you did not want to be gay (as you said). If you really are gay, you will always be gay, no matter how much you do not want to be gay. You can not wish it away. You can abstain from sex acts with other men all your life, and you can have sex only with women, but if you are truly gay, you will always have desires for other men.

You say that if you let him touch you, then maybe you "are not straight after all." Whether you let him touch you or not won't have any affect on whether or not you are straight. Some straight men allow other men to jerk them off and they are still straight.
Maybe this guy is not someone you should experiment with, because you are so close.

I remember 25 years ago, when I was your age, and I did not know yet that I was going to be gay - a close friend and classmate at university made advances to me, and I rejected them. Since coming out to being gay several years later, I have regretted rejecting my friend for the rest of my life. Who knows what might have been for us? I have had several happy relationships since, but I will always wonder about might have happened with him. Not saying that your situation is the same as mine, but my advice would be to go with your true feelings whatever they are, and not to surpress any feelings you do have, because you do not want to be gay.

[Undreamt]

If gay guys can have girlfriends and have straight sex, why can't straight men do the same?

[shane82]

You have to talk to him very openly.

[Anonymous]

We talked, because he said we could go hiking this weekend and I was like - ok, but don't expect anything more. And he then was like "why are you doing this, first you let me and now you say no". And I realized I want to touch him and to show him some love, but at the same time I know that there are some borders I won't let him to cross. Like, kissing and jerking each other maybe is ok, but that's about it, I wouldn't let him do anything more. And maybe then even though we want it, we shouldn't do anything physical at all, because I believe that at some point it won't be enough for him with just these two things and he'll start to want something more.