Needing Advice

[Retsaid]

Hello everyone!

Decided to post here in hope to get some of your advice with my situation.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and we've always been happy together. We're both closeted for family reason. We live about 2 hours away from each other and we take turns driving back and forth to see each other. Lately my boyfriend has become distant. It was when I left for a 3 week vacation and on the final week he started to become "different". Being that I was thousands of miles away, It made me quite worried because he had never been like this before and being that I did not want to be clingy, which I thought would drive him more distant, I gave him his space. The next day he's even more distant and hadn't responded until the afternoon with a "I love you" text. I sent back an "I love you" as well and that was that. Next day I get a good morning text and I respond. I check FB to see that he's on and decide to reach him there letting him know that I am worried for him and that if there is anything he wants to talk about, Im here.

I find out that he's been having family issues, which I know stresses him out and that takes a huge load off my shoulders because I assumed the worse: cheating. I again let him know if there is anything I can do I'm always here. A couple of days go by and he apologized for being distant. I wasn't too worried about and said it was nothing to say sorry about.

Upon my return, he picks me up from the airport and we're all lovey dovey again. We go home, have some rough sex, eat breakfast, and sleep for a little bit. We wake up and have sex again (lol he missed the D), and he goes off to make some lunch/dinner. I stayed back in the room and hopped on his laptop, which he has no problem with. My curiosity was quite strong after the week of being distant that I couldn't help but take a peak. Skip the lecture about how invaded his privacy. I ultimately know it was wrong for me to but I couldn't help it and I regret it everyday.

I skimmed through it not necessarily reading anything until I see my name pop up. The conversation was with one of his good friends. Somewhere along the lines of "I bring out the best in him but I don't think he does for me". To see those words slashed my heart. It was unbearable. Mind you the conversation happened around the same time he was stressed out.

After reading the message and making sure I had covered my tracks by deleting the history, I had immediately walked out of the house to catch some fresh air. He follows after and asks me if anything is wrong and I obviously lied. I'm out there for about half an hour and return. His Facebook page is open and I noticed that the conversation was deleted...

I brush it off and he notices that I'm a little off but just used, "jet lag" and "the thought of returning to work" excuse. He still says he loves me but the thought of what I read makes me think otherwise. Sorry for such a long post. I'm just really stuck. I love him a lot and I'm afraid of losing him. I guess I can say I learned my lesson not go snooping around.

Thoughts?

[marshlander]

The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to each other again. Keep on talking. Eventually something will emerge that will suggest a direction.

[KingOfChaos]

First of all, that's kind of a random comment. It doesn't sound like you read the whole conversation, so you don't really know the context. Sometimes people say things in the moment that just express a mood or a passing thought.
You're falling into the same trap that I often do --- assuming that of your BF is stressed or acting differently, it's something to do with you. I can't tell you how many times my BF has told me, "Everything is not always about you!"
I would say try talking about your relationship in a non-threatening way. Give him an opening - maybe tell him that you feel really comfortable with him and you think that the two of you are good together, and ask if he feels that way too.
You said he has no trouble with you being on his laptop. There's always the option of confessing what you saw and asking him what he thinks needs to change between you.
Uncertainty like this destroys relationships. No matter how difficult, you need to get things out in the open.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Love has stages. The first stage is total stupidity and being mad - quite insane in fact - about/over the new person in your life. Then about oh half a year down the road the insanity part starts to loosen up and one starts getting a more realistic attitude about personalities, character and the person they are with.

We realize stuff about our potential until death do us part spouse around the 6 month mark, and we start to see far more clearly how we act and react together and how we function as a team (Are we affective as a team? Most likely no)

The other aspect here is humans tend to wear masks. We all do it, yes even I to a certain point... Some people do it far more than others, and there is this terrible tendency of humans to try to sell their good points, gloss over (or boldly lie about) their not so good qualities.

Both of you have been wearing a mask up until pretty recently. You are both still on a fast learning curve about each other, now you are learning about how the real person operates and thinks and feels.

Another aspect to this current case is both of you are unwilling or unable to communicate. Understand there is a difference between willingness and ability.

You are also unwilling or unable to accept at face value his replies to your queries.

Aside from the 'no snooping' lecture you should be receiving (but won't because you appear to know that it is 'wrong'), there is this aspect that you did snoop, or peek and now possess data which you need a real resolution on, however knowing you did a wrong (snoop) is preventing you to do the healthy thing and that is confront the data and get a deeper understanding of what he was saying.

I get the whole "I want to know what is wrong with you so I can fix it" aspect here and how it leads us to do 'bad things' such as snoop. It is a defect of character I personally choose to get rid of and have made laws in my life that prevent me from delving deeper than asking a person why they are feeling X.

Acceptance of 'I'm fine' or 'it doesn't matter' is not easy to do, but acceptance is something that one must learn to do.

The fact is you are both lying to one another. You admitted to this in several points here, 'taking a bit of fresh air' and then brushing the shit off with 'jet lag' and 'getting back to work'. He lied by now deleting his unfortunate conversation trying to get a 'redo' of that.

Now you both are going to continue to lie to each other in various ways trying real hard not to discuss the elephant in the room.

He knows you already read that bit of conversation. Sure he may be in denial and hopeful that he deleted it before you got a round-to-it... but his guts are telling him you know.

And you do know, and you're going to spin on it and focus on that and its going to echo and reecho in your head from now until the last bitter fight over some stupid insignificant issue which will merely be a symbol of this and other aspects of your relationship.

The only 'fix' to this is to tell the truth and shame the devil.

Mind there are right ways and wrong ways to do confrontation. Accusations are not real confrontation.

This "I bring out the best in him but I don't think he does for me". needs to be addressed.

Mind the wording - I THINK does not mean 'It IS'. It is a theory most likely based on insufficient data - and frankly without the rest of the conversation to put it in context there is no real understanding of what he means, or for that matter what he actually feels.

You both need to learn the real person immediately and as completely as possible. Its time to set aside the masks you two wear and get a good understanding of how each other ticks.

And this snooping thing is part of how you work. This is a defect of character and you need to either choose to keep it, or choose to work on it and stop doing it.

Besides, those who listen at the eves usually never hear much good about themselves.

[Retsaid]

Thank you so much for all of your inputs. I really appreciate you guys having the time to point me in the right direction. I knew this was the only way I just needed assurance. We're acting very much like how we use to prior his "distancing" and we are to meet again this weekend. I will bring this up with him and whether we are able to squash this mess or we break up I've already begun to prepare for any outcome at this point.

[Retsaid]

Hey guys!

Just an update. So I confronted him about the situation. He says it was stress when he said it and kept assuring me that he's been balancing his friend's, family, work, and me. I don't know what that means but I did also find out he's been using Jack'd and Grindr to "chat" and meet other gay people to expand his gay circle. I'm not sure if I believe him because those apps I THINK are just for hookups. He promised me there was no one else and as much as I want to believe him I feel he's looking for something more.

I put the relationship on hold and agree'd we should take a break till I think this through. I'm pretty sure it's not going to end well. I don't think I can trust him anymore.

[Iceblink]

I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years and even at this point, I'd be kind of pissed if I found he was reading or eavesdropping on conversations with my friends. There are people who say things like, "if you're dating someone you should have nothing to hide or anything to you need to keep from your partner." That's malarkey. Just because we are in a relationship, we never stop being an individual and should always be afforded at least some degree of personal space and privacy. I know you've resolved this issue, but in the future remember that you violated the personal space he will always deserve no matter how long you are in a relationship.

[Bhp91126]

I've been with my boyfriend for 12 years and even at this point, I'd be kind of pissed if I found he was reading or eavesdropping on conversations with my friends. There are people who say things like, "if you're dating someone you should have nothing to hide or anything to you need to keep from your partner." That's malarkey. Just because we are in a relationship, we never stop being an individual and should always be afforded at least some degree of personal space and privacy. I know you've resolved this issue, but in the future remember that you violated the personal space he will always deserve no matter how long you are in a relationship.

Sad, that this is coming up only now. Nobody ever told you that you're snooping at your own risk?