Jam, he's your boyfriend, your partner in life, and if he doesn't know what you're vulnerable to, he can't navigate. So tell him what you said here. There's nothing wrong with feeling unsure so early in a relationship, and sometimes that comes out harshly when you don't want to appear vulnerable. But I adhere to the thought that love is a surrender, and so the most sensitive of feelings can be looked at and comforted. Give him this chance. And give yourself a chance , too. This is exactly the time, I think, when such things come out and can be sorted out.
warmly,
-Doug
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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I wouldn't really care if my boyfriend called someone else hot but he really seemed to stretch it, which would have bothered me too.
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HumbleTangerine Wrote:I wouldn't really care if my boyfriend called someone else hot but he really seemed to stretch it, which would have bothered me too.
I agree. I don't mind my husbear spotting and commenting on the good looks of other guys, but I'd like him to leave it at that. I sometimes (jokingly) take it further and ask him about what he'd like to do to such a body. Roll his tongue up and down the firm sixpack while massaging his hard nipples between his index and thumb. Stuff like that. But that's always in good spirits and because I know how staunch monogamous my husbear is.
But that's me, putting fantasies in his head. I would be very turned off by him telling me, in details, what he thought was so particularly attractive about this guy and keeping at it for uncomfortably long.
Am I understanding this correctly, you were semi-drunk and your boyfriend was the designated driver and completely sober?
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I'm not going to vote on this, because it's a complex issue.
The best thing you can do now that the damage has been done, is to remind him that you love him and why you love him. Then tell him how it is you felt about all this insistance on another man's hotness when all you really wanted from him at the time was some hot talk about you. You were both obviously on very different pages coming home in the car and he killed your mood, his loss. It was insensitive of him to go on like that. Maybe he didn't realise he had overstepped boundaries, and maybe your mood (and sense of humour) had grown really thin by then... He tried to joke about it to save face, because, I'm guessing, he does care about you and your feelings, but realised too late that he'd made a huge blunder in going on like this.
Give him the opportunity to apologise, maybe by apologising yourself for snapping at him. Tell him how important it is to you that he loves you, maybe, and also state the fact that when you are drunk your patience grows thin and he should never ever ever (add an 'ever' here?  ) mention another boy's / man's hotness when you're in this state because it just makes you miserable. If he's sensitive, he'll take your point. I hope he'll also make it up to you by a session of great hugging, kissing, cuddling and love making.
If you don't have a sense of humour, as he seems to be saying (I think he was digging himself in there), then he should be aware of it any time he mentions something like this that might irritate or chafe you and your self confidence. I guess he was going on and on about this man because he knew he would never get him...
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Oh, and as an aside, and in all friendship (meaning to help, not accuse) please don't delude yourself into thinking that your being intoxicated does not change how you behave. Maybe you are more outgoing towards people you meet when you're in that state, but perhaps, also, your boyfriend doesn't like it that much. Does it bother him? Does he think that when you've had a little too much to drink, you don't act the same as you generally do?
I have a friend who says she can take alcohol, and in truth, she can. But she is
convinced that it doesn't impair her. Well, I never drink, so I can positively say that it does change her and the way she talks. I've seen this many times, and I have the good sense not to argue with her on that subject. When she's had a few too many, she gets very talkative, to the point of repeating herself a bit too much, and she can, if in a sad or bad mood, get more virulent (which she is in normal life too). I who stay compos mentes, since I don't drink, see the changes in her and accept the fact that that is how she gets. I avoid topics that would hurt and make things difficult.
Your boyfriend should have avoided a sensitive subject. Maybe he was not aware of how much he was overstepping the line.
Maybe you should have a code between you to keep the drinking at a comfortable level? Just a thought.
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Ok, so now to answer the question on the appropriateness of mentioning other men's hotness in a couple.
My partner and I often do this. We are confident that another man's hotness is not going to break us up. It's just a statement. We often also love the fact that, because we're on the same page, we can mention this to one another and it won't be misconstrued. After all, it gives us pleasure that someone so close to us can hear this statement, and will understand where it's coming from, and won't judge us for making the comment. Years of having had to keep our inner thoughts on the subject to ourselves, when we were not out to the world (this would have made it too blatant for comfort before coming out) have constrained us to having the thoughts but not being able to voice them. A woman might understand if she knew we were gay, and might even find it funny and interesting. Another man, a straight one, might just feel uncomfortable and think it is creepy. ...
My question is: Do you ever do this with your boyfriend, ie talk about other men you find hot, either you, or him? When you see a nice looking man in pictures, in movies, in the street, in gatherings, do you have the sort of connection that enables you to speak about it openly? If this bothers you and makes you uncomfortable, I think you should state the rule between you that he'd better keep his thoughts private, but then it's no better than having to deal with the straight world around us.
Then, you might later be thinking that he's hiding stuff from you, that he's not being honest. Can you blame him? I'm sure his telling you how hot he thought the man in this couple was is his way of telling you that he trusts you not to be annoyed. His trying to cover it up as a joke was lame, I'll concede that to you, but you'll have to ask him why he thought it appropriate to insist. Was he trying to tell you something about himself? About your couple? See where there are acts of communication that you can improve. There's a lesson to be taken here. Find out what it is.
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I'm not voting because I think both your behaviors were questionable. For future reference:
You have the right to remain silent.
Your starting to argue the merits of this guy with your bf while drunk exacerbated the situation. Had you remained silent after the first gush, he may have gotten the hint and shut up.
Btw. Someone becoming defensive while drunk is not a "good drunk"
Bernd
Being gay is not for Sissies.
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I am undecided on what to think. 
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What I would have done...ask my bf what he wants to do to him...show me...and fantasize...
Fantasy is a good thing.....
My advice...I am not going to get into the right/wrong thing but what I do suggest is communication...and in the future...fantasy....make sure that both of you get what you want out of it. That is why communication if key.
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While my SO and I do jokingly comment on other guys, its never really with any serious tone and we certainly don't fall out over it.
The fact that he was doing it while sober (or the more sober between you) is really only highlighting how insensitive and out of tune he is towards you and your feelings.
Yes alcohol may have played a part, but you cant hold that up as an excuse for your SO of some time to show a complete disregard for your feelings in such a situation.
Im wondering if a heart to heart talk isn't called for between the pair of you, since he obviously has an eye for something you can't provide.....Better to talk now than regret a bit further down the road.
Good Luck.
ObW
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Who was being unreasonable - me or bf?
