Something Odd.
06-12-2014, 03:19 AM
While you read this, I hope you don't feel like this is another overly dramatic teenager complaining about his perfect life, but rather, someone that's on their journey of understanding their own feelings.
Hey guys. My name is Kenny for those who don't know me well enough. If you've never been to the chatroom , the chances are that you'll know me as the guy who post daddy pics on the forums, and probably that's about it. So, I start off with a little about me.I'm a 18 year old whose finishing up his high school career and moving onto to university education, in the business faculty, and eventually, majoring in Human Resource Management. My hobbies include, but not limited to acting, writing, and video games.My personality type (MBTI) is ENFJ, I'm a people person, and I like to surround myself with people to hang out with. I'm usually known as the class clown, the one with the humor and the outrageously weird guy whose not afraid to stand out in a crowd. Yes. I'm that guy.
I came out a year ago , when I turned 17. It wasn't because it had felt right, but rather because my life felt boring. Now, I know boring sounds like a very idiotic term to use in this context, but that's what it was. It was boring. I wanted to move on in my life, I wanted to move forward, and not be stuck in the same place, so I came out. I came out to those I felt comfortable with, and for an instant, I thought, ' this is it. My life can finally start.' Coming out wasn't easy ofc, parents were upset and against it. I had my friends though, and they were all supportive, which gave me the confidence I needed to be open with myself. I was excited, and full of energy. I felt like my life is finally going to start, no more hiding, no more insecurities, and no more loneliness. I'll no longer feel alone.
Now a full year has come around, and I found myself in the exact same place. Which is odd because with people my age graduating, all my friends are moving on to new phases of their lives. Everyone's life is starting. With new dreams , new hope...and new love. All of this was triggered by a conversation I had today , during lunch. I was hanging out with my 2 best friends as we were talking about our 'romance life.' Which I was hesitant about since mine was pretty non-existent. One of my best friend has fell in love, or astleast it's brewing with someone 9 or 10 years of her senior. We even joked about how I thought I was the only guy that liked older men, and she looked at me and nod. "You are the only guy that likes older men." It was good joke.The other , had another one that was 5 years of her senior and the guy had been chasing for her affections.
They looked at me. "What about you?" and for an instant, I didn't know what to say. I had no romance. No guy. No prince charming. No one. Which was quite odd, since I was probably the most 'romantic' one out of the three of us. That got me thinking though. Everyone was moving on to new experiences, dates, crushes, and such. Then there was me. I was in the same exact same place I was a year ago.
Insecure, Alone, and hiding.
On the ride home, I started to think about it. I swear , I could feel it. The gaping void. The need. The need of wanting some guy to pay attention to me. The need of someone to care, and wash away my insecurities. Then, I knew what was my problem. I was falling in love. Not in love with someone but in love with the idea of love. The thing is, I also understood the other thing. If I really wanted to be in love, I needed to fall out of the idea of love. The way I saw love, was that it should be something that's pure. Something without expectations met with unconditional. Which is very different from the idea of love.
Furthermore, I realized there's always that obstacle that I'm going to face with the fact if I prefer older men. The life styles we lead are going to be so disastrously different, it just simply wouldn't work. But that. Is just another excuse for something I'm scared of. Or atleast, that's what I think. I think I'm scared. I think I'm not ready, yet I want to be ready. it's quite odd. It's like a man whose afraid of heights, but despite it all, despite that he's not through with his therapy, he wants to go straight to sky diving, but he can't because he says that the wind is always too strong, or the parachute isn't safe. But he's in love with the idea of flying. That moment of freedom has he falls through the air with grace and elegance yet he's scared of the ground.
And even now, after writing all this, my thoughts are still jumbled together like a yarnball that was played with. There are things I feel like I need to do, and there are things I feel like I can't do. The idea of falling in love, when does it stop? When do I overcome it? Or will it follow me through the rest of my life?
I don't know.
Hey guys. My name is Kenny for those who don't know me well enough. If you've never been to the chatroom , the chances are that you'll know me as the guy who post daddy pics on the forums, and probably that's about it. So, I start off with a little about me.I'm a 18 year old whose finishing up his high school career and moving onto to university education, in the business faculty, and eventually, majoring in Human Resource Management. My hobbies include, but not limited to acting, writing, and video games.My personality type (MBTI) is ENFJ, I'm a people person, and I like to surround myself with people to hang out with. I'm usually known as the class clown, the one with the humor and the outrageously weird guy whose not afraid to stand out in a crowd. Yes. I'm that guy.
I came out a year ago , when I turned 17. It wasn't because it had felt right, but rather because my life felt boring. Now, I know boring sounds like a very idiotic term to use in this context, but that's what it was. It was boring. I wanted to move on in my life, I wanted to move forward, and not be stuck in the same place, so I came out. I came out to those I felt comfortable with, and for an instant, I thought, ' this is it. My life can finally start.' Coming out wasn't easy ofc, parents were upset and against it. I had my friends though, and they were all supportive, which gave me the confidence I needed to be open with myself. I was excited, and full of energy. I felt like my life is finally going to start, no more hiding, no more insecurities, and no more loneliness. I'll no longer feel alone.
Now a full year has come around, and I found myself in the exact same place. Which is odd because with people my age graduating, all my friends are moving on to new phases of their lives. Everyone's life is starting. With new dreams , new hope...and new love. All of this was triggered by a conversation I had today , during lunch. I was hanging out with my 2 best friends as we were talking about our 'romance life.' Which I was hesitant about since mine was pretty non-existent. One of my best friend has fell in love, or astleast it's brewing with someone 9 or 10 years of her senior. We even joked about how I thought I was the only guy that liked older men, and she looked at me and nod. "You are the only guy that likes older men." It was good joke.The other , had another one that was 5 years of her senior and the guy had been chasing for her affections.
They looked at me. "What about you?" and for an instant, I didn't know what to say. I had no romance. No guy. No prince charming. No one. Which was quite odd, since I was probably the most 'romantic' one out of the three of us. That got me thinking though. Everyone was moving on to new experiences, dates, crushes, and such. Then there was me. I was in the same exact same place I was a year ago.
Insecure, Alone, and hiding.
On the ride home, I started to think about it. I swear , I could feel it. The gaping void. The need. The need of wanting some guy to pay attention to me. The need of someone to care, and wash away my insecurities. Then, I knew what was my problem. I was falling in love. Not in love with someone but in love with the idea of love. The thing is, I also understood the other thing. If I really wanted to be in love, I needed to fall out of the idea of love. The way I saw love, was that it should be something that's pure. Something without expectations met with unconditional. Which is very different from the idea of love.
Furthermore, I realized there's always that obstacle that I'm going to face with the fact if I prefer older men. The life styles we lead are going to be so disastrously different, it just simply wouldn't work. But that. Is just another excuse for something I'm scared of. Or atleast, that's what I think. I think I'm scared. I think I'm not ready, yet I want to be ready. it's quite odd. It's like a man whose afraid of heights, but despite it all, despite that he's not through with his therapy, he wants to go straight to sky diving, but he can't because he says that the wind is always too strong, or the parachute isn't safe. But he's in love with the idea of flying. That moment of freedom has he falls through the air with grace and elegance yet he's scared of the ground.
And even now, after writing all this, my thoughts are still jumbled together like a yarnball that was played with. There are things I feel like I need to do, and there are things I feel like I can't do. The idea of falling in love, when does it stop? When do I overcome it? Or will it follow me through the rest of my life?
I don't know.
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