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Something Odd.
#1
While you read this, I hope you don't feel like this is another overly dramatic teenager complaining about his perfect life, but rather, someone that's on their journey of understanding their own feelings.

Hey guys. My name is Kenny for those who don't know me well enough. If you've never been to the chatroom , the chances are that you'll know me as the guy who post daddy pics on the forums, and probably that's about it. So, I start off with a little about me.I'm a 18 year old whose finishing up his high school career and moving onto to university education, in the business faculty, and eventually, majoring in Human Resource Management. My hobbies include, but not limited to acting, writing, and video games.My personality type (MBTI) is ENFJ, I'm a people person, and I like to surround myself with people to hang out with. I'm usually known as the class clown, the one with the humor and the outrageously weird guy whose not afraid to stand out in a crowd. Yes. I'm that guy.

I came out a year ago , when I turned 17. It wasn't because it had felt right, but rather because my life felt boring. Now, I know boring sounds like a very idiotic term to use in this context, but that's what it was. It was boring. I wanted to move on in my life, I wanted to move forward, and not be stuck in the same place, so I came out. I came out to those I felt comfortable with, and for an instant, I thought, ' this is it. My life can finally start.' Coming out wasn't easy ofc, parents were upset and against it. I had my friends though, and they were all supportive, which gave me the confidence I needed to be open with myself. I was excited, and full of energy. I felt like my life is finally going to start, no more hiding, no more insecurities, and no more loneliness. I'll no longer feel alone.

Now a full year has come around, and I found myself in the exact same place. Which is odd because with people my age graduating, all my friends are moving on to new phases of their lives. Everyone's life is starting. With new dreams , new hope...and new love. All of this was triggered by a conversation I had today , during lunch. I was hanging out with my 2 best friends as we were talking about our 'romance life.' Which I was hesitant about since mine was pretty non-existent. One of my best friend has fell in love, or astleast it's brewing with someone 9 or 10 years of her senior. We even joked about how I thought I was the only guy that liked older men, and she looked at me and nod. "You are the only guy that likes older men." It was good joke.The other , had another one that was 5 years of her senior and the guy had been chasing for her affections.

They looked at me. "What about you?" and for an instant, I didn't know what to say. I had no romance. No guy. No prince charming. No one. Which was quite odd, since I was probably the most 'romantic' one out of the three of us. That got me thinking though. Everyone was moving on to new experiences, dates, crushes, and such. Then there was me. I was in the same exact same place I was a year ago.

Insecure, Alone, and hiding.

On the ride home, I started to think about it. I swear , I could feel it. The gaping void. The need. The need of wanting some guy to pay attention to me. The need of someone to care, and wash away my insecurities. Then, I knew what was my problem. I was falling in love. Not in love with someone but in love with the idea of love. The thing is, I also understood the other thing. If I really wanted to be in love, I needed to fall out of the idea of love. The way I saw love, was that it should be something that's pure. Something without expectations met with unconditional. Which is very different from the idea of love.

Furthermore, I realized there's always that obstacle that I'm going to face with the fact if I prefer older men. The life styles we lead are going to be so disastrously different, it just simply wouldn't work. But that. Is just another excuse for something I'm scared of. Or atleast, that's what I think. I think I'm scared. I think I'm not ready, yet I want to be ready. it's quite odd. It's like a man whose afraid of heights, but despite it all, despite that he's not through with his therapy, he wants to go straight to sky diving, but he can't because he says that the wind is always too strong, or the parachute isn't safe. But he's in love with the idea of flying. That moment of freedom has he falls through the air with grace and elegance yet he's scared of the ground.

And even now, after writing all this, my thoughts are still jumbled together like a yarnball that was played with. There are things I feel like I need to do, and there are things I feel like I can't do. The idea of falling in love, when does it stop? When do I overcome it? Or will it follow me through the rest of my life?

I don't know.
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#2
Kenny221 Wrote:...wanting some guy to pay attention to me... and wash away my insecurities.

This is NOT love.

I repeat! This is NOT love!

Yes, the caring part is love. But a relationship is not the answer to a need for attention and absolutely NO ONE in this world can wash away your insecurities but yourself.

So many people are chasing after some fantasy idea of love that doesn't even exist!

Also, you are just now becoming an adult. Before you start thinking so seriously about relationships, you need to find yourself first. So many things are going to change in the next few years, I promise you. By the time you finish college, you might have a totally different world view. You might not even like the same type of guys or want the same things you do now. I'd be surprised if you did. Most people think they have it already figured out at 18, but trust me, they don't.

My honest advice is just to relax and think about other things. Use the next few years to learn and grow. Some boys play in college and have sex. I didn't do that, but if you choose to, be SAFE.

And btw, your friends will probably not be with their current partners much longer.
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#3
Uneunsae Wrote:This is NOT love.

I repeat! This is NOT love!

Yes, the caring part is love. But a relationship is not the answer to a need for attention and absolutely NO ONE in this world can wash away your insecurities but yourself.

So many people are chasing after some fantasy idea of love that doesn't even exist!

Also, you are just now becoming an adult. Before you start thinking so seriously about relationships, you need to find yourself first. So many things are going to change in the next few years, I promise you. By the time you finish college, you might have a totally different world view. You might not even like the same type of guys or want the same things you do now. I'd be surprised if you did. Most people think they have it already figured out at 18, but trust me, they don't.

My honest advice is just to relax and think about other things. Use the next few years to learn and grow. Some boys play in college and have sex. I didn't do that, but if you choose to, be SAFE.

And btw, your friends will probably not be with their current partners much longer.


I do agree. I've stated in my comment. I was simply in love with the fantasized 'idea' of love. Not real love. It's quite funny though, how the idea of love and real love can be so different and contrast each and other so much.
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#4
Listen to the wise words of Uneunsae.

Never give someone else the control to cause or eliminate your feelings or insecurities. Keep that control to yourself. Treasure it and embrace it.

And being in love with the idea of love is definitely not odd. Its the premise behind most books, films, movies that are love centric.

When do you fall out of this idea? Hopefully never - its a wonderful feeling to cherish. What hopefully you will find is that 'the idea of love' is the fantasy. Real love is different. If you can keep both going then more power to you.
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#5
You do not write anything at all about what you do to find your Prince Charming. Where are you meeting gay guys? Do you go out? Volunteer? Are a member of a gay sports-team/team with gay players? Part of any group with gay men? Do you meet guys at parties?

As an Extrovert you have a leg up on many, many gay guys. But you have to work for it, they won't just drop into your lap.
Bernd

Being gay is not for Sissies.
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#6
Bhp91126 Wrote:You do not write anything at all about what you do to find your Prince Charming. Where are you meeting gay guys? Do you go out? Volunteer? Are a member of a gay sports-team/team with gay players? Part of any group with gay men? Do you meet guys at parties?

As an Extrovert you have a leg up on many, many gay guys. But you have to work for it, they won't just drop into your lap.

My choices are rather limited at my age. I'm stick with apps and dating sites. I don't know where I would be able to meet other gay guys without clubs and bars ( which seems like the nest of one night stands and hook ups, or so I heard...besides, I'm not old enough to go to any even if I wanted to.)
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#7
I just had to put it out there because many many MANY people never ever learn the difference and they have a lot of drama in their lives as a result. Smile
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#8
Uneunsae is right. Your life will change a lot in the next 4 years. After that it will change yet again. You can't fill the void with another person, either. For sure, having a lover helps distract us from the 'void' feeling but, trust me, it is still there. The only thing that can fill up that void is true insight, and you can't get that from outside yourself.
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#9
It's quite interesting, yes. Being introspective , takes alot of things, but most of all, courage. Which I'm afraid, I don't have yet.
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#10
I don't think you need to figure any of this out. Just go to college, make some friends, explore who you are, do well in your studies, and make a strong connection with a faculty member or two. It should work itself out quite naturally.
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