Kinda stuck :/ sorry for the long story
06-15-2014, 11:47 PM
So..
The way this basically goes is that I like a guy but I think he either doesn't feel the same way about me anymore or just sees us as something potentially casual. Met this guy last May on Grindr of all places, hadn't had much luck before that on there, very difficult for an (at the time) closeted gay guy to meet people in rural East Yorkshire without that sometimes dubious app.
Got on very quickly, had loads of similar interests and similar kind of attitudes and styles. Exchanged numbers, skype and snapchat details and proceeded to spend a month talking and getting more and more well acquainted. Eventually met towards the end of June and really hit it off. It was clear I quite liked him and felt very much mutual given his enthusiasm for me. We proceeded to meet quite regularly over the summer, just about twice week (good given he lives about 40mins away).
All the while this was happening I was coming out to friends and family. He gave me great support and advice and was a real rock during that time. It felt like we were rumbling towards something. The kind of things we said to each other and the clear affection, attraction and connection we had just made it feel like that. He'd talk about how we would tell people we met, or how he'd thought he would get along well with my family.
However as Autumn got fully underway along he started to occasionally be a bit distant. We only would have time to meet once a week. He would also start saying he was spending time with his friends/family and wouldn't therefore be responding to his phone for the day or evening. Yet those times would come and go and the emotion, warmth and humour with which we talked would just strike up again.
The way in which we talked stayed the same, with us still talking pretty much every day (barring his awol days obviously). I really felt as though I was falling for him regardless of what you might call our slight dip in form. I really really liked him and just continually thought about what could be "our" future.
I had had no reason to doubt him. As a person he is a very outgoing, confident guy who'd been out for years and had previously had a relationship. But most of all he is honest. Almost brutally so. And I just thought if something happened then he would most definitely find some way of telling me.
In late November for some reason I went back onto Grindr. Hadn't really been on since early September when things felt at a peak for us. And I don't particularly know why I did it. He was either online or had just been online. I was quite surprised. We weren't official or anything so I had no hold or claim over him but I was a little hurt. It dawned on me that maybe he was just chatting to people. After all, it can be just for chatting. Indeed, a lot of the people I had talked to on there before him were just harmless chats that eventually fizzled out.
I kind of convinced myself to not be too bothered by it and also just take the opportunity to chat with other guys in a friendly way. As it goes, I don't actually have any gay friends and while that shouldn't matter as my friends have been awesome and supportive it was still in my mind that it would be nice to have people I could relate to on that level.
Meanwhile, other than the odd day or evening here and there I'd hear from him and we'd talk in much the same way as usual, every day. Updates on how we were/what we were doing, banter and in-jokes as well as sexual talk. It was in December that I noticed (I know this sounds stalker-ish but we nearly ALL do it in some way) that some of the usernames that were on Grindr locally were the same as ones on his top friends list on snapchat.
Again. It was a setback in my confidence in him. As I say, I had now gone back onto Grindr but it was to just chat with guys. Anyone after anything more I had swiftly brushed off. I didn't have eyes for anyone else. Maybe there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. Maybe there wasn't. I was stuck at this point as to whether to ask for a serious chat and potentially end something from which I thought we'd both drawn so much. It would expose the kind of eye I was keeping on him and possibly ruin something that might not be broken.
So I bottled it and decided not to say anything. To give him the benefit of the doubt as a result of his undiluted honesty. From just before Christmas we would slowly see each other less and less. Yet still the conversation, warmth and seeming interest staying the same, near enough every day. With it also being initiated by him about 70-80% of the time. We both became very busy, myself with Uni and my work and him with his burgeoning professional career and sad family problems.
It was, and still is, somewhat depressing that we came so close, and that there is obviously some kind of connection between us. We talked for so long and the tone has stayed the same. Yet the physical meetings are few and far between and I just can't help but be concerned by that and my Grindr/Snapchat reconnaissance. For instance, on the day of writing he has potentially sent near enough 90 Snapchats to someone with the exact same username as a person on Grindr locally.
Its been distracting for me, a certain amount of work and reading for Uni has been neglected since Christmas time. I've also spent a certain amount of time feeling sad and a little angry. Visibly picked up on by those around me, who know me as a subdued but generally positive and humorous person.
I guess I feel a bit stuck and don't really know what to do. I really, really like him. I've never felt like this about anyone. I don't want to lose him out of my life but can see that being in this situation of being more than friends but less than boyfriends is only hurting me and affecting me negatively at a critical time.
Should I just carry on? Should I learn to care a little less and take it easy? Should I demand a conversation and some clarification? Or am I being totally naive and should just walk away right now?
Any advice appreciated, especially after trawling through all that! :/ Sorry!
The way this basically goes is that I like a guy but I think he either doesn't feel the same way about me anymore or just sees us as something potentially casual. Met this guy last May on Grindr of all places, hadn't had much luck before that on there, very difficult for an (at the time) closeted gay guy to meet people in rural East Yorkshire without that sometimes dubious app.
Got on very quickly, had loads of similar interests and similar kind of attitudes and styles. Exchanged numbers, skype and snapchat details and proceeded to spend a month talking and getting more and more well acquainted. Eventually met towards the end of June and really hit it off. It was clear I quite liked him and felt very much mutual given his enthusiasm for me. We proceeded to meet quite regularly over the summer, just about twice week (good given he lives about 40mins away).
All the while this was happening I was coming out to friends and family. He gave me great support and advice and was a real rock during that time. It felt like we were rumbling towards something. The kind of things we said to each other and the clear affection, attraction and connection we had just made it feel like that. He'd talk about how we would tell people we met, or how he'd thought he would get along well with my family.
However as Autumn got fully underway along he started to occasionally be a bit distant. We only would have time to meet once a week. He would also start saying he was spending time with his friends/family and wouldn't therefore be responding to his phone for the day or evening. Yet those times would come and go and the emotion, warmth and humour with which we talked would just strike up again.
The way in which we talked stayed the same, with us still talking pretty much every day (barring his awol days obviously). I really felt as though I was falling for him regardless of what you might call our slight dip in form. I really really liked him and just continually thought about what could be "our" future.
I had had no reason to doubt him. As a person he is a very outgoing, confident guy who'd been out for years and had previously had a relationship. But most of all he is honest. Almost brutally so. And I just thought if something happened then he would most definitely find some way of telling me.
In late November for some reason I went back onto Grindr. Hadn't really been on since early September when things felt at a peak for us. And I don't particularly know why I did it. He was either online or had just been online. I was quite surprised. We weren't official or anything so I had no hold or claim over him but I was a little hurt. It dawned on me that maybe he was just chatting to people. After all, it can be just for chatting. Indeed, a lot of the people I had talked to on there before him were just harmless chats that eventually fizzled out.
I kind of convinced myself to not be too bothered by it and also just take the opportunity to chat with other guys in a friendly way. As it goes, I don't actually have any gay friends and while that shouldn't matter as my friends have been awesome and supportive it was still in my mind that it would be nice to have people I could relate to on that level.
Meanwhile, other than the odd day or evening here and there I'd hear from him and we'd talk in much the same way as usual, every day. Updates on how we were/what we were doing, banter and in-jokes as well as sexual talk. It was in December that I noticed (I know this sounds stalker-ish but we nearly ALL do it in some way) that some of the usernames that were on Grindr locally were the same as ones on his top friends list on snapchat.
Again. It was a setback in my confidence in him. As I say, I had now gone back onto Grindr but it was to just chat with guys. Anyone after anything more I had swiftly brushed off. I didn't have eyes for anyone else. Maybe there was a perfectly reasonable explanation. Maybe there wasn't. I was stuck at this point as to whether to ask for a serious chat and potentially end something from which I thought we'd both drawn so much. It would expose the kind of eye I was keeping on him and possibly ruin something that might not be broken.
So I bottled it and decided not to say anything. To give him the benefit of the doubt as a result of his undiluted honesty. From just before Christmas we would slowly see each other less and less. Yet still the conversation, warmth and seeming interest staying the same, near enough every day. With it also being initiated by him about 70-80% of the time. We both became very busy, myself with Uni and my work and him with his burgeoning professional career and sad family problems.
It was, and still is, somewhat depressing that we came so close, and that there is obviously some kind of connection between us. We talked for so long and the tone has stayed the same. Yet the physical meetings are few and far between and I just can't help but be concerned by that and my Grindr/Snapchat reconnaissance. For instance, on the day of writing he has potentially sent near enough 90 Snapchats to someone with the exact same username as a person on Grindr locally.
Its been distracting for me, a certain amount of work and reading for Uni has been neglected since Christmas time. I've also spent a certain amount of time feeling sad and a little angry. Visibly picked up on by those around me, who know me as a subdued but generally positive and humorous person.
I guess I feel a bit stuck and don't really know what to do. I really, really like him. I've never felt like this about anyone. I don't want to lose him out of my life but can see that being in this situation of being more than friends but less than boyfriends is only hurting me and affecting me negatively at a critical time.
Should I just carry on? Should I learn to care a little less and take it easy? Should I demand a conversation and some clarification? Or am I being totally naive and should just walk away right now?
Any advice appreciated, especially after trawling through all that! :/ Sorry!
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Sagittarius
