My story

[Nathan 41]

I wanted to reach out because as this point I'm kinda desperate, I'm 41 I admitted to myself that I was gay at the age of 17, because I had feelings for a guy around my age, he sort of outed me after I posted on a website and he put 2 and 2 together, anyway I was exclusively seeing men for 17 until around 23 years of age, don't judge me but I was never happy with being gay I didn't want to be gay because it comes with alot of challenges and prejudices in life. Also I felt kind of robbed and there was also curiosity I've identified as bi since I was around 24 and had relationships with women since. I've got 2 children now and I'm married. I'm now questioning everything and why I took this path I'm drinking alot and I'm sure it all boils down to the fact that I didn't have the right experiences when I first came out and not the right people around me
I would be gratefull for your thoughts I'm starting to get to the point of finally accepting who I am but I just need help

[Velvet Mouth]

Any empathic, understanding gay person will not judge you for wishing you were not gay. It is not easy.
You only have to look at our history to know that; how society has treated us.

And that brings me to the second point - the reason you have lived the life that you have
(marrying a woman and having children with her) is because that is the pressure that society puts on people.
It puts it on straight people, and it puts it even harder on gay people.

And then that same society chastises those gay people for going along with it.

You are a victim of a homophobic society. One such example being that arsehole who outed you.

Maybe, if you had had a supportive society around you, things may have turned out better.

But this is where you are now. You are still young and can consider the best path forward.

1: Get help:
1a: Go to hubofhope.co.uk
1b: Enter in your postcode or town
1c: Select your area of need (LGBTQ+ Support, Men's Support, etc)
1d: Scroll down the list of options for mental health support.

2: Try to drink less and replace it with something healthier - physical activity perhaps.

3: At some point you will have to think about being honest with your wife.
3a: Please try to avoid cheating on her. It is not fair on her or your children, and it will only compound your bad feelings.