Anxiety is holding me back

[Anonymous]

I hope this is not off-topic.

I am suffering from social anxiety, not acute but very severe to the extent that I hate going out anywhere, even to the nearby store to buy something.
I have this irritating habit whereby I will start smiling awkwardly whenever I see people outside, whether its a crowd or a single person. I know its a terrible awkward smile as I have seen people stare at me cos I'm behaving like a lunatic, smiling for no good reason. There was even once when a guy shouted at me "Are you crazy? ". I felt very upset and wished I could disappear from that spot.

It has affected my social life terribly. My friends would message me to meet up but I keep postponing and give reasons not to attend. All because of this damn social phobia.

I have desire to date and find a boyfriend. But who would want to date a guy who keeps smiling unnecessarily and feeling anxious all the time? I tell myself not to have unnecessary desires when I have problems being normal in the first place.

I'm planning to see a psychologist but I read forums where they mentioned that social anxiety cannot be cured and that psychologists can't do much.

If psychologists can't help me, I don't see any point in continuing my life, where everyday is a painful experience. Sometimes, I wish my mum aborted me while I was still in her womb.

I just feel so worthless and miserable. Any advice guys? Will psychologists be able to help me out? I want to lead just a normal life.

[HumbleTangerine]

First of all, I don't believe it's true that psychologists can't cure or at least help cure social anxieties. Don't rule the option of seeing a psychologist out!

Second of all, social anxieties are more common than you might think. Pretty much all teenagers go through phases where they feel terribly awkward and socially anxious, some more than others. For most people this sort of disappears as they get older, more confident with themselves and more at ease with social interactions, while others might need a little more help to get going. When I was 15 I would tense up if I saw someone I knew in public and pray they didn't see me and the thought of going to parties with many strangers etc. made me feel sick. All of that is gone now.

As for the boyfriend thing, you really shouldn't make assumptions like "who'd wanna date someone who feels anxious all the time?". It's true that people value confidence in their partners, but you don't really think you're the only socially anxious guy around do you? There's no reason at all to rule out finding a boyfriend!

I have to get going but you can PM me if you'd like ^^

[Wolfpack]

The therapy you will be having should be able to help you if not cure you as such. But you have to be willing to do your part and push yourself to want to beat your anxiety. I think that in time you will be ok and achieve the things like dating that you want in life. Good luck to you and I hope that you get the help you need.

[ChadCoxRox]

I've directly witnessed hundreds of people go from a place as you describe to much success in overcoming anxiety. Anxiety is responsible for much of the substance abuse and addiction in the world because of not having or not accepting more effective interventions. A skilled therapist may not be a psychologist since most of those focus on testing and measuring and reporting for others. An experienced licensed therapist regardless of their label will help you open up a wonderful world you only dream might exist. Remember, programs/therapists don't work, you work them!

[Uneunsae]

I have crippling anxiety and have struggled to deal with it myself. I'm riddled with anxiety as I type this. Some days are worse than others, and while I have general anxiety, I also have triggers and OCD.

Psychotherapy doesn't work well for me, but luckily there are other therapies available and you might also benefit from those. My body cannot tolerate meds either, but they might part of an overall treatment plan for you. See a therapist and tell them what you hope to accomplish. That will be a good starting point.

I still have difficulties in social situations, but I was able to finish Uni with excellent grades and live on my own. You can, too!

[TwisttheLeaf]

The smile is simply the way in which your body expresses its nervousness. I know that it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing, but there are worse things you could be doing in those moments.

Social anxiety may not be "curable" in the sense that it goes away and never comes back, but it is able to be augmented by working with a therapist to learn new coping techniques, delving with said therapist into the why of your issues, and in some cases, medication. With these tools, you can correct unwanted reactions such as the "creepy smile" thing you're referring to as well as learn to function with the anxieties in a way that doesn't hinder your life or lifestyle you want to accomplish.

[TheGayGrotto]

I liked this question and answered it in my blog more in depth.

But personally, if you are openly gay and you are still having problems socially my best advice would be to first recognize what you do have. Many people who lack social skills also lack friends, but you mentioned having friends, friends that actually want you to hang out with them. So clearly, as socially inept as you think you might be, you’ve managed to make some great friends who enjoy your company and don’t mind your “awkward smiles”. Spend more time with them.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Honestly, no anxiety cannot be cured. However, it can be worked with, minimized, and you can get a handful of tools that help you to cope with the day to day aspects of anxiety, and even slowly merge out from your place into the world.

This applies to just about every mental/emotional health issue out there. No cures. Treatments, sure, ways to manage life and get more out of life, yes. The underlying disorder always remains.

Honestly your attitude is all wrong to expect much to happen with therapy. You already set this limit and you already set a punishment. If therapy doesn't work I'm going to kill myself.

THAT is not the right attitude to get much out of therapy.

Understand that a therapist is there for you to work with and you to set goals and you to do a lot of stuff. If you are expecting therapist to do all the work and achieve something, nothing will come of it.

And don't expect instant results.

Along with seeing a therapist there are other therapies out there. Getting a therapist to assist you is the best step, its better if you have a psychologist weigh in on if you may respond better with medication and one who will work with your psychiatrist to temper the pill throwing happiness of a psychiatrist.

There are other things like acupressure/acupuncture which many report actually work for them. Meditation, and other options are still out there that you can try.

One of the things you need to work on is accepting self and stop trying to decide what your future mate will want in a mate. If there is a future mate, then rest assured that that mate will be wanting you for you - flaws, foibles and programming errors too.

[East]

I have a lot of tips on this one but it would take a long time to type them all out.....

...so I will start with the best one. You have to find the right therapist. Most of the ones I saw when I was shopping around I could either help them more than they could help me or they were batshit crazy and probably entered the field to help themselves.....

Seriously...TWO of the most respected psychologists in one very affluent Bay Area City I am very familiar with...they are PhDs

One mumbles a lot and randomly pulls down his pants and asks strangers to wipe his ass and change his diapers...lovely man...he was one of my bar customers.

The other...father molested all of them and when one of the sisters decided to come to terms with it this "accomplished" woman who counseled others instead reverted to a three year old and wrote a weird letter about how bad it was to lie about daddy (I have the letter).....and she is deep in the six figure income "helping folks" ...like what the f*ck is she helping them with?

I was eventually referred to one who changed my life and though the anxiety wasn't really something I addressed initially...she helped me erase 90% of it over the course of a few months....it was a symptom of another issue which she did address.....

She was exactly the right "fit" for me....you need to find the right fit for you and if you are not feeling it...do not just go ahead with any therapist because sometimes they can do more damage than good....

The other 10% of my anxiety I manage and over the years the incidents get fewer and fewer...the one thing that will still set me off is if I am in a long line in a store and there are really bright lights...I will start to get a panic attack. It happens maybe twice a year and lighting is definitely a contributing factor.....I am working on it. What I do is tell myself that I am having a panic attack and that I know why and that it will pass and not to look at anyone in the eyes or worry about what they think....and it passes quickly as soon as I am out the door.....

Now that I am thinking about it.... it has been over a year now since my last one

[Aike]

Nyeah.. You're not really alone with this problem of yours, like others have said.

I also have problems dealing with social situations, although perhaps they're not really as crippling for me as they are for you. Although my anxieties have practically prevented me from ever dating anyone. The last time I was in a nightclub my friend introduced me to this gay friend of his, after which I escaped to the bathroom like three times and had to leave early. The rest of the night consisted of me being embarrassingly sentimental at my other friend's place. So yeah, it happens!

Before trying to overcome your anxiety, the first thing I'd suggest is to try getting rid of any self-blame you might be feeling. It already feels bad to be anxious all the time so why make it worse by thinking that it's your own fault? And second, go see a therapist. It's not in any way guaranteed that therapy will be of any help to you (honestly, it depends so much on the therapist as well), but I doubt it can make your situation worse.