Let's trade one-liners and pranks

[Virge]

okay. get three beers in me while I'm around friends and there's not telling what I'll say. The problem with that is once I say something funny everyone else picks it up and I can't say it anymore without someone saying "oh...that's an old joke....so and so said that last week."

Here's some of mine. How about giving me some of your own zingers.
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here's a one-liner I came up with when all my straight buddies were sitting around talking about eating pussy. Understand they all know I'm gay.... and I was just drunk enough to say it.....

"I've never eaten pussy but I've been addicted to crack since the first time I stuck my face in one."

One afternoon I went to our local tavern and all the regulars were sitting around quiet which is weird. I ordered a beer, guzzled a bit of it and said I came there to get cheered up after getting bad news from my doctor. All of a sudden everyone in there was all concerned and begging to find out what was wrong.

So I told them, "the doctor said my urine test tasted too salty" and I wiped my lips with my forearm and shot them all a bird as I did it. They started howling.

Then at same tavern one night there was some real skanky gal that wandered in looking for any guy who'd screw her. Most the guys in there were married and the single ones were ashamed to be seen leaving with her. After she left they started talking about how ugly she was... so I had to put a gay spin on it.

"she wasn't really ugly but she might get arrested for impersonating a drag queen."

here's a recent prank...........

We (me, my room mate and our friends) are world class prankers.
Last week I got my straight room mate really good. He and I have been friends since boot camp back in 2005. He is the type who always has 4 or 5 women he's screwing and always looking for more. One of them, Cheryl, had been causing him drama, coming to see him at work, calling all the time, coming by the house looking for him and he was paranoid as hell about her. He came in 3am, drunk and passed out on his bed. I get up at four every morning. I went in his room with six feet of parachute cord and looped it to the bed frame and then to his ankle. About 7 I ran in his room all in a panic yelling for him to get up and hide. I told him Cheryl was outside with a gun trying to get in the house. He flew off the bed like a nekkid Superman and fell flat in the floor while another buddy videoed the whole thing from the open closet. Naturally we sent the video out to nearly everyone he works with and knows.