Fantasy, reality, and guilt.....

[Pixiebells]

(Atrocious spelling but I'm posting from my phone-no spellcheck & I can't spell. Sorry!)

So, ok my situation is this. I'm bi, but happily married to a guy and always monogamous. However, I want to go further with women than I have so far.

I've only had some experiences with girls when I was younger--that's actually how my sex & love life got started, but only went so far. That might be part of my dilemma. I spent roughly 4-5 years making out with a couple friends and further than just kissing with a friend and we were VERY close then. I spent years regretting not doing even more with her

The good parts:

My husband thinks it's hot (common fantasy, yeah,) and he understands it's merely exploring another side of who I am. Neither of us believe that I magically turned straight once we married. He has no objection to it. He knows it's not a threat of any kind. If memory serves, it was his idea.

He's gone as far as making a specific gameplan & requests: I'd meet some cute girl and the first time on our own but after that he'd either want to know about it or preferably be there, which is my preference too, doing anything without him there feels wrong to me.

The bad parts:

I don't want to be a hypocrite--I adamently resent the notion that since I'm bi I *have* to have both to be satisfied. I don't want to fulfill a stereotype. To me, being bi isn't nessairly what I do, it's who I am.

So I'm feeling really torn--my subconscious screamed "YES!" loud & clear, given a dream I had a few weeks ago. Lady Gaga (!!!) and I were friends and dancing VERY sexily at two parties (one with some friends, a second one at a club at a really expensive hotel,) and we were both wearing little more than a thong. We never actually got together but that was plenty. There were lots of people at the hotel esp. paparizzi and we were halppily getting pictures together before the dancing started again. And once we did we were fine with pictures of that dancing too. We didn't even care when some ended up online.

So in this dream I don't care what friends or the public think, I have no issues with lots of pics going online for the world to see, I was so unhibited.

But in reality I have family on my Facebook, I'm clearly not single and sadly I'm actually not friends with Gaga (if only!)

As an interesting sidenote. If my husband were willing to do the same for me...oh yess. I love guys making out & it'd be hot. This is interesting because we met through...his boyfriend. Yup, he thought he was bi. Then he met me & realized he's actually straight, so he's not really into doing that with guys, which is totally fine.

As for my fantasy being a reality...

In 2010 while we were engaged, we were at his school & played spin the bottle & I ended up making out with a female friend of his. It was fun & we're all still casual friends .

I tried to start something like this. Last year I joined plentyoffish for all of 3 weeks. I found maybe two girls who might have been interested, but I felt really whorish and dropped it.

Ideally, doing this would be either (1) randomly making out with a girl at a club and have that be enough for trying this so far or (2) with a girl who's a friend and happens to be cool with trying this. I'd never be ok with anything resembling a date or relationship ever. I've had a couple temporary girl crushes, but within literally 10 minutes I realize I got married to be permanently comitted to him because that's what my heart wants.

Even then there's a chance we could have a girl right there, I'd back down at the last second. Right now I don't know at all if it would be recurring or a one time thing.

He is aware of my ambivanlace & totally patient, 100% comitted to my comfort, which is awesome.

I think all the bad parts are internal & try to remind myself lots of totally straight couples expirement with this. No one has to know if we don't want anyone to know, but still...

(I'm worried about judgment so please play nice & be tactful. Thanks.)

Thoughts?
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[Anonymous]

I've been calling myself a gay male for over 5 years because I met a guy and fell in love with him. He knows I'm still very attracted to women. If I'd gotten into a relationship with a woman instead of him I'd be saying I was bi and I'd probably be going through what you are now.

But maybe you and I aren't very similar past that point. You decide.

For me, the important driving factor isn't who I'm attracted (men and women) to but who I find to make a solid pair bond with. Now that I have it with a guy I'm still attracted to other guys and women but to me that's like seeing a BMW convertible and wishing I had one and forgetting about as soon as it's out of sight and I'm driving along in the old truck I like better. I hope that makes sense to you.

I have a completely solid and honest relationship with this guy. He's great and i don't feel I deserve him half the time but I do my best to deserve him. He and I have a good future ahead of us and making big plans for years to come. To me that's more important than my attractions. He fulfills all my sexual needs. I've never been closer to anyone emotionally than him. Why would I give up something this great and stable just to satisfy my attractions to women or other men?

If you aren't getting the sexual fulfillment or the emotional satisfaction you need from your husband then I could see you having affairs with women. If I wasn't getting those things from a guy I might think about trying things with women again.

If that's the case for you then the problem isn't your attraction to women. It's what you're not getting from your husband. But that's just how I see it from my perspective and I'm not sure it will really help you.

[Pixiebells]

If you aren't getting the sexual fulfillment or the emotional satisfaction you need from your husband then I could see you having affairs with women. If I wasn't getting those things from a guy I might think about trying things with women again.

If that's the case for you then the problem isn't your attraction to women. It's what you're not getting from your husband. But that's just how I see it from my perspective and I'm not sure it will really help you.

The good news is that he fulfills my sexual and emotional needs 100% every moment. I guess I'm sort of back where my sex/romance life started--just so curious. As I said I've tried a little but got weirded out by the notion of talking to about sex or flirting felt veeery uncomfortable. In my lifetime even after he dies I'll never date/sleep with etc a man EVER. Women? Maybe. Perhaps once I take care of this hangup I mught not date women either.

And I will never fall/be in love or marry anyone else ever again throughout my entire life.


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[AlohaShannon]

If I understand correctly, you fantasize about being intimate with a woman, your husband is very cool with it, but you feel like you may get cold feet. I hope I got that right. I have two thoughts about it:

1. You and your husband are both consenting adults and interested in the same thing. As long as all parties are 100% comfortable with it, then you should feel no shame in it.

2. Just because you both might be cool with fulfilling your fantasy, it does not mean there won't be some very significant after effects. He could harbor resentment, you could experience guilt and shame, or if he's present for it and joins in, you could feel rejected and/or jealous of the attention he gives her.

If this is truly what you both want, I urge you to look at your marriage and make sure it is strong enough to withstand any adverse effects from making this fantasy into a reality. Talk about the possible negative issues that could arise and make sure that you are both confident going into it. I cannot reiterate this enough, you both must be totally comfortable but also in an extremely strong relationship. Remember, no matter how prepared you are going in, you never know how you will end up emotionally.

The reason I bring this up is because I have seen couples in struggling relationships use this very thing to try and "spice things up" in order to bring them closer...unfortunately, I've never seen a successful result. I've also seen couples going into this (particularly as a threesome) only to find the husband and other woman messing around on the side.

Conversely, I have seen couples with a rock-solid foundation add another woman periodically and they remain committed to each other with no negative "side effects". It can definitely be exciting and a fun experience and doesn't have to end in a broken relationship. To me, a big part of it revolves around the relationship going in.

Best of luck to you!

If I misread the point of your post or if my response went off-topic, please let me know. I sometimes inadvertently get the gist of the post wrong or I like to ramble.

[Undreamt]

Firstly speaking from the perspective of someone that has successfully transitioned form a monogamous relationship to an open one.

The results are never what you might expect, and it is are hard plan for.

There are times when both parties may get hurt - It is natural to get jealous, but the doesn't mean you can't get passed it as long as you are honest and communicate.

Also nothing can ever be one sided if its going to be successful

[meninlove]

Well first, I liked the way you wrote your post Pixiebells. You strike me as an extraordinarily kind, sensitive and thoughtful person. Cheers!

I think I can help you with the Bi thing, and this includes your hubby.

See this?

Let's call the black end straight, and the white end, gay. Immutable and fixed. Now look at all the zillion shades in between. That's Bi. You two fit somewhere in there. Bi doesn't mean equal attraction to both sexes, though it can if you reside smack in the center of that pic. Most don't.

As for experimenting, I think UnDreamt summed it up rather well.

warm regards,
-Doug of meninlove

[AlfredM]

With your husband's consent,I think you should go ahead and experiment with girls. As for fulfilling a stereotype,there's nothing wrong with it if it is who you are (which you don't know until you experiment further). Problem with bisexual stereotype is when you're with someone who's strictly monogamous. But your husband is very open to it,heck,he even experimented with guys before meeting you,of course he understands your curiosity. So don't worry about stereotype,be yourself even if it means you become that stereotype.

[Pixiebells]

First off, thank you to all your replies. It was such a relief to not be judged! And by just reading your comments I've started to make decisions, and I have some very interesting news. Let's go in chronological order, shall we?

The same night I posted this thread I had an amazing dream which made me feel happy, light and uplifted. It was about my friend I'd had expirences with. I was with her & we talked it out. She was so open about our past, so comfortable with it (in real life we've never spoken about it once during, after or a decade later. I think she fears intimacy.) So anyway we were hashing out everything and it even culminated in us....doing more things, more than we'd done in real life. It didn't actuaawlly happen (the dream changed or something like that), but knowing she was okay with it all gave me some kind of celestial replacement of my old feelings of being nervous around her about it, it won't be nagging at the back of my mind next time we talk--or ever. Not a shread of bad feelings since. like all is forgiven. I think the Universe helped me let go of any hangups or regret. I've carried that feeling around for over a DECADE gone in a blink.

Onto today when I read all your replies: again, thanks for not judging me. I think even just starting this thread helped me let go.

Next up--our relationship is stronger than I can say. We've never broken up, cheated, became mistrustful, "on the rocks".

Hell, the only 'big' thing we faced as a couple in the past five years? I got unintentionally pregnant (we were safe EVERY time including that one where we incurred a little malfunction exactly two weeks before I was getting my birth control set up. Sigh.) He was only 19 & we'd been dating for about four months. I was hysterical, my father was livid, and my mother was the sole voice of reason on that awful day. He stayed with me that whole day. He traipsed around after me all day long like a sad puppydog, wishing he could help me more. He was calm as I cried, my mother sighed & my father fumed.

At 19 and four months in, how many guys would leave? Maybe even leave that day? Never return calls, abandon me & their unborn child? (Sorry guys), but I'd say about 85%, and that's being generous. I was 24 then also. A week after we found out, we decided we wanted to genuinely be together permanently. Sadly I had a miscarriage & was pregnant for about six weeks. Had to get a D&C too. He was always 4here for me. Unlike other relationships I never had to wonder how he felt about me whether or not he was truthful. Pick a virtue in a relationship & he's got it.

When it comes to big things, like finding me a new job or how to spend our tax return, we discuss calmly. I get loud (not to be mean, I'm just a loud person) and he paiteny reminds me to keep an even tone. He's probably the most mature 24year old I've ever met.

Safe to say, we have a rock solid relationship.

So after reading all your awnsers I've been using deductive logic, deciding what I don't want.

I don't want it to be with a friend, or make a friend for that main reason. I did friends -with-benifits for years on end & that might feel confusing on some level. I'm thinking maybe a crazy, wild, one time thing, or random making out. I don't want anything resembling a relationship.

For now with a girl: stranger, one time, possibly drunk, & no further than second base.

Down the road: not going to think on that yet. Its a 'maybe someday' thing. With my dream clearing my hangups and everyone's support this also isn't pumping guilt shame or worry through me, at last!!

Bottom line: I don't want to abandon mononogmy in this quest. Just make out.

Thank you everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll update as needed

[FortisMichael]

I just want to say how good it feels to be free and out of the closet finally. It has been 38 long years. BTW, I think youre cute.

Well first, I liked the way you wrote your post Pixiebells. You strike me as an extraordinarily kind, sensitive and thoughtful person. Cheers!

I think I can help you with the Bi thing, and this includes your hubby.

See this?

Let's call the black end straight, and the white end, gay. Immutable and fixed. Now look at all the zillion shades in between. That's Bi. You two fit somewhere in there. Bi doesn't mean equal attraction to both sexes, though it can if you reside smack in the center of that pic. Most don't.

As for experimenting, I think UnDreamt summed it up rather well.

warm regards,
-Doug of meninlove