Long Distance Age Difference - scared him off by saying I love you too soon?

[50sNewbie]

First off, I haven't really dated much at all in my life. I didn't really have any relationships until my 30s and I fell in love with a guy at 36 (same age). He died tragically when we were both 40. Now I'm 56, and although I've had offers over the years, I pretty much shut everyone out. I've been out with maybe three people for a couple of dates. Never wanted to really go through with a relationship. I'm not really into one-night stands but I have done them after a few drinks.

So, I go to NYC with my niece (I live in Texas) and visit an old bar haunt from the 80s and 90s - my friends who went with me there are now dead. A young man started eyeing me and I looked him right back in the eye, which is something I rarely do. So he came over and sat down and immediately told me I was handsome and amazing. I thought it was a little much and so did my niece. But I did meet him in the corner on the way out and gave him a kiss. He started texting me but I mostly ignored him. A couple of months later he came to Texas and I met him in a hotel lobby with a straight friend. I started warming up to him. He wanted me to visit him in NYC. It took all the courage I could muster (never done this before) and I went up there to NYC and got a room. He shows up to go to dinner and we had a fabulous weekend, we never left each other's side. It really could not have been better. He is very affectionate, wants to hold my hand all the time and other things! I was very skeptical at first and I tried to throw up a few roadblocks and tests to see how sincere he was. Yes, he really likes older guys. He is 28 and finishing his MBA. He is from the Middle East and has been in the country for 7-8 years in college. He was not wanting me to pay for things and I know he is not looking for a sugar daddy. On the night before I left, we went to a really romantic restaurant with live music and with the candlelight in his eyes, I became smitten.

After that he went on a school trip abroad and I was really missing him and we were doing romantic, flirty texts back and forth but only every few days. We made plans for me to come back to NYC exactly a month after our fabulous first weekend together. In the couple of weeks before, he was texting a little less but still very romantic "you're amazing", "glad I picked you", "you are so handsome" etc. I was still a little skeptical and not really sure if he would pick me up at the airport - but yes he did. We could hardly wait to get to the hotel. Then we went to a great restaurant and happy hour at another old haunt. We then met a friend I had not seen in many years then went to another old restaurant haunt. So I was getting very emotional and nostalgic from not only the locations but also at how well this was going. I probably drank too much because I was caught up in things and a little scared that wow I had found somebody like this. So stupid me says the "L" word. It was not returned but there was a very passionate night. The next day we went to another great restaurant, holding hands and all seemed well. We were headed for a show and had a drink before on a rooftop we had wanted to visit. At the table he said, "your feelings are stronger than mine and I am not really ready for a relationship right now". I was pretty stunned but we went on to the show. I was kind of quiet and he asked if I was ok. I said, "yes". We then went to dinner at the same romantic place as before. I held his hands and looked into his eyes and said, "I said I love you and I do. I'm not sorry I said that. I think you have also made me realize a lot of things about myself and how I shut myself off from life all these years and I appreciate that whether we are ever together or not". He seemed genuinely moved and almost had tears in his eyes. After that we were holding hands, had a nightcap and then an even more passionate night.

The next day I was leaving and he still seemed very affectionate but maybe a little distant. I tried to arrange another date but he really would not commit to any saying he was very busy trying to finish up school by October. He did say "we will see each other again". He has no current job prospects and I really think he is being discriminated against because of his Arabic name. He seems to have excellent grades. He told me of his fear of having to go back home, where he has several job offers. He would then be forced to marry a woman or be cut off from his family and possibly beaten or jailed. Still he did not ask for help from me - I didn't offer but I think he knows I would.

When I got out at the airport we hugged and I could not resist saying that I loved him again - I didn't know if I would ever see him again. I was kind of crying on the plane and I think the lady next to me realized this as she offered me some of her vodka!

When I got home we were still texting but it was a little less frequent and romantic. I was in a text conversation with him where I proposed another couple of dates but he said he could not do those weekends. So, I texted back "No pressure, I just want to have fun with you - I won't be as emotional and sentimental next time". Then I basically put the ball back in his court on a date. It's been about three weeks and we are still texting sporadically - he does get in conversations with me but it seems I am texting more than he.

He told me of a couple of past relationships, so he could be feeling burned and gun-shy or it's just that he is young and his future is very uncertain past November. He has never texted anything else that would not seem friendly or trying to discourage me. Then again maybe he is "just not into me" but his words don't seem to indicate that. He doesn't seem to be trying to lead me on because he was honest.

I really feel I need to explain/apologize for unloading all my feelings on him but he really broke down the door I had put up for 15 years after the death of my partner in 1998. I don't think that was fair to him. Yes, I really want him but I have a job and obligations to take care of my 85 year old mother here in Texas. So I'm not sure how practical it would even be to call ourselves "in a relationship".

Should I do this? I don't want to seem like a whiney person. I really was fine with being alone but being with him brought back the feelings of intimacy and caring - I did not know I missed those so much until I met him. So yes there was a flood of emotion, no doubt about that..maybe he will take that as a compliment.

I do think he really likes me - he texts and says he thinks of me often. And sometimes still calls me "handsome"!

I have kept my texts breezy and sent a few pictures of me going out with my friends to demonstrate I do have a life - have not made any references to a future date or sounded clingy at all. He has been sick and I have asked him how he is feeling...that's about it. He likes the World Cup so we've talked a bit about a couple of games.

At my age I am losing friends to death - I lost two this year (so far) and one I really regret that I did not talk much to one in the last couple years. My mother may also be going soon. SO I think this is part of my motivation in telling this guy how I felt. Also I have never been in any kind of long distance thing - it seems to rush things up when you are together because you know your time is brief and there is no guarantee of a "next time".

What should I do?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

This past Saturday I went to my forth funeral for the year, five if you include the burial I had for my dog recently.

Death is a daunting thing, especially when everyone you know has just decided its now time to die and leave you alone to contemplate your own mortality your dim, dark shorter and shorter future looms ahead....

He is 28, if he is the average human being his relationship with death isn't quite as intimate as yours (ours). His peers will kick it through accident or extraordinary means, our peers are just dying because they are old.

He still thinks 50 is a long, long, far in the future thing... yet we know that 20 years is a drop in bucket and goes by so fast...

So he most likely can't relate to what you are saying as a person your age can relate.

As such, he may not have gotten the full meaning of your words.

Distance doesn't help. He is young, and the product of getting older is learning patience... something he still has to learn a wee bit more.

Chances are high that while there is this attraction, he just can't really relate to you on so many levels, and too why should he try if you and he have so much distance?

You two need to conversate over these matters, and both come clean and say where you are and what you are hoping for.

As for this long distance.... Lets say you two do decide to become committed partners, who moves to whom? Who gives up there life in their state to go to another state?

That is a daunting thing to ask of anyone.... no?

[50Plus]

First comment, what does death have to do with any of this? Am 51 and in a lot of ways a 'death virgin' - excepting my dearest of pets nobody close to me has died. All my friends are still alive. All of my family is still alive. Yes, people die, but we have our ways of dealing with it and I do not believe it is predictive of emotions one way or the other. But then again, being a death virgin, perhaps my opinion will change when it does happen to someone close.

But being 51 and having similarly shut out the world I can appreciate where you are coming from. And it sounds like what you are going through is a normal relationship. Whether you are 56 or 26 or 16, the first signs of infatuation / intimacy / love / relations are usually the same. Good for you. Cherish the moment. Cherish the feelings. Cherish the man.

Just don't hold tightly on to a future vision. He may or may not be there - that is the other aspect of relationships. Regardless of how he acts in your company, we all come from different places emotionally. You could easily develop a relationship with him. He may not as there appears to be things he needs to do first.

All I can say is to enjoy the ride and enjoy the journey. If it works out - awesome. If it does not - cherish the memories you rekindled and the new memory you created. It is all good.

[TwisttheLeaf]

<i>Your talk in the restaurant that almost had him in tears? That was your explanation and apology. IMO, if you do it again, it would make you look a bit like you're freaking out and scrambling to take things back.

He sounds like he's under a -lot- of stress at the moment. I also sounds like you took him by surprise with your professed love.

Chances are that he's back in NYC trying to figure out what to do with you. The fact that he's still texting and everything still feels romantically inclined makes me think he likes you enough to try and work past his feelings of "freaked out" by your professed love.

At the same time, he's probably distancing himself because he's not sure what to do, what he wants and either doesn't want to hurt himself or you in the process of figuring it out. He could also be worried that if he gets too attached to you, itwill hurt you both if he ends up having to go back overseas.

That to do? Without knowing his personality better, it's hard to say. If it were me in your friends shoes, I would suggest you have a heart to heart. Let him know that although, at the moment, your feelings are perhaps stronger than his, you dont want it to become a problem between the two of you. That you want to continue seeing him, and are willing to take it as slow as he wants. That he can have the reins on where things go, or don't go, between the two of you.

That said? It's a risk. Because you have to be willing to take the chance he may drop those reigns at some point.

The other option is to let things ride and hope it all smooths out over time.

And, this.....

All I can say is to enjoy the ride and enjoy the journey. If it works out - awesome. If it does not - cherish the memories you rekindled and the new memory you created. It is all good.

[Borg69]

You guys have a connection, but there's also distance, age, obligations each of you have in your own lives...

Can these be overcome? Sure... possibly. But if not? That doesn't make what you have now any less special. Enjoy it. Don't spend so much time trying to label it or force it.

He's a gift. Cherish it.

[dynamodean]

Don't feel weird or uncomfortable that you let him know of your feelings. "You only live once" and all that. How can we live life without taking chances? The fact that he didn't exactly reciprocate your feelings shouldn't deter you from being truthful and honest with your own. If you truly love him, then fight for him.

[Camfer]

...

I really feel I need to explain/apologize for unloading all my feelings on him but he really broke down the door I had put up for 15 years after the death of my partner in 1998. ...

Should I do this?
...
Also I have never been in any kind of long distance thing - it seems to rush things up when you are together because you know your time is brief and there is no guarantee of a "next time".

What should I do?

He understands your feelings, so more explanations and apologies will only make the situation worse.

Relationships, long distance or otherwise, work when people have roughly the same interest in each other. Maybe if you take it way more slow his feelings and comfort level will grow. Just because you are long distance does not mean you need to rush things. I get a sense you'd rush things even if he were in the same town. You need to meet him genuinely where he is emotionally now, with no expectations, with no hidden agenda that you will make him love you.

It's understandable that you're all excited now that some long-dormant aspects of you have been reawakened by this guy. Regardless of what happens, be thankful that eros has reentered your life and made you a bit of a fool for love.

[Cuddly]

I think his background is the reason for him pulling the brakes. Finishing his education and having to make drastic changes to his living arrangements are reason enough to want to avoid a serious relationship, but him being brought up to think that two men loving each other is wrong could also be a factor.

I'm 25 and my husbear is 55. We also started off as long distance, though we met online. I remember being confused the first time he told me he loves me. Thinking back, I think I was confused because two men in a relationship wasn't really "a thing" in my worldpicture.

Whatever is up, I hope you figure something out with him or get to move on and find a new love. And welcome to GS.