Open relationships?

[Gideon]

Mmmm yeah, no, I couldn't do it.

I fully and openly admit I'm a possessive SOB. *Chuckles* I can say this without apology as I make it very clear up front that I don't share well with others...what's mine is MINE. And thankfully Twist rather enjoys my possessive nature, so it works for both of us.

I would advise, before you do this...to consider the consequences if it -doesn't- work out, if he or you decide you're -not- comfortable with it. You can't take it back and just because you might say "Okay, this isn't for us" and go back to being exclusive? That's not going to erase what -did- happen, it's not going to suddenly go away and those actions are going to be with you forever.

[Ceruleaan]

Mmmm yeah, no, I couldn't do it.

I fully and openly admit I'm a possessive SOB. *Chuckles* I can say this without apology as I make it very clear up front that I don't share well with others...what's mine is MINE. And thankfully Twist rather enjoys my possessive nature, so it works for both of us.

I would advise, before you do this...to consider the consequences if it -doesn't- work out, if he or you decide you're -not- comfortable with it. You can't take it back and just because you might say "Okay, this isn't for us" and go back to being exclusive? That's not going to erase what -did- happen, it's not going to suddenly go away and those actions are going to be with you forever.

Food for thought, it's definitely something I'm trying to wrap my head around - what does actually happen if things go wrong that is. He's kind of already taken this figurative ball and ran with it.

While it is a little bit uncomfortable so far, I think I can manage it, and apparently he can as well; at least if his behaviour is anything to go by. All that aside, I think in a way an open relationship is in a very real sense a last ditch attempt to save something that you think is worth saving, but where conventional fixes have failed. I think thats where we are at the moment, and I think its just a matter of seeing how we fair.

I guess I was just hoping for more pragmatic advice about the do's and do-nots of trying to navigate an open relationship.

[Gideon]

Food for thought, it's definitely something I'm trying to wrap my head around - what does actually happen if things go wrong that is. He's kind of already taken this figurative ball and ran with it.

While it is a little bit uncomfortable so far, I think I can manage it, and apparently he can as well; at least if his behaviour is anything to go by. All that aside, I think in a way an open relationship is in a very real sense a last ditch attempt to save something that you think is worth saving, but where conventional fixes have failed. I think thats where we are at the moment, and I think its just a matter of seeing how we fair.

I guess I was just hoping for more pragmatic advice about the do's and do-nots of trying to navigate an open relationship.

On this I would say...communication and honesty is an absolute -must-

I hope it works out for you, man.

[MikeW]

I'm really not sure what I can say to all this. You've told us a lot but it is kind of confusing to me. Given what you've written above, I'm having a hard time understanding "why" you're together other than the fact you have been since your late teens.

So let me begin with that question: Why are you together?

Next question: Are you both committed to this relationship?

If you don't have solid answers to these two questions then, given all you've said in your addendum, you both need to 'redefine' your relationship -- as NOT a couple. You can be best friends and occasional fuck buds if you want, but you're both free to find more "fitting" partners.

How do you feel about reading that? I know you said you feel the relationship is "still robust" but I have no idea what that means. So if there's something meaningful keeping you together, please tell us what that is.

As for open relationships, there are obviously a variety of possibilities. BUT if there isn't a solid emotional commitment within the relationship--not to mention maturity and ability to communicate openly and work though whatever comes up around it--it is likely to lead to unwanted drama.

[Borg69]

You've said a couple of times you want an open relationship because he doesn't want sex as often as you, but then you contradict it by saying he's running with this. Does he not want sex, or does he just not want it with you?

[MikeW]

You've said a couple of times you want an open relationship because he doesn't want sex as often as you, but then you contradict it by saying he's running with this. Does he not want sex, or does he just not want it with you?

Yes, exactly.

[East]

I hesitated to answer this because it would take a long time to give my actual thoughts on it and I like to be "brief" if possible...

Bottom line...I would not agree to an open relationship. I have seen them work...and I have seen them fail...and since I have not walked in each of their shoes I cannot comment on the actual dynamics though I have a few ideas......

I am OK if my partner had sex here or there outside of the relationship...I might be OK with an affair if there was honesty ...but an open relationship means I am opening my privacy to anyone and everyone and I would have to leave the relationship.....

My opinion...when one partner asked for an open relationship...one or both of them has already left the relationship on one or multiple levels. I would rather be honest with ourselves and each other and have THAT conversation.

[BobInTampa]

Ok, so here's a few things to chew on:

1) If your partner isn't 1000% in agreement to have an open relationship then it won't work! Even if he says "It's cool if you wanna hook up with a guy from time to time" - that's called being passive aggressive. He has to want an open relationship as much as you.

2) If you two aren't EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY and SEXUALLY satisfied as a couple - an open LTR will probably be the beginning of the end of your LTR.

3) If you're NOT getting enough sex in your current LTR - being open won't change that. You need to find out why he's not interested in having sex as much as he used to. Look, if you're going to spend time and energy finding a "trick" in an open relationship, you can spend time WORKING on your LTR with your partner.

4) Having been in an open LTR for 10 years, with very fair rules and guidelines, i can tell you that the minute you open your LTR sexually - you ARE OPENING IT UP EMOTIONALLY. You said your partner ties sex to intimacy, that means if he DOES have sex with guys outside your LTR, there's a damn good chance that he may stumble upon another guy who might trip his trigger - and you'll never see it coming. That's how i lost my partner of 10 years, he had a trick with a guy - who ended up pursuing him and befriending him and eventually it was the cause of the end of our LTR. So, be careful what you wish for.

I DO Have several "rules" i can share iwth you, just drop me a line and i'll be glad to share with you. But, till then, work on your current LTR and finding out why your man isn't into sex as much as he used to.

[Ceruleaan]

Alright now I understand where the confusion lies. He doesn't want sex as often as I do largely due to to stress, and a fundamentally lower sex drive. Earlier on in our relationship we did have sex more often than now, but it wasn't nearly as much as in my past "relationships".

Part of the reason I feel he's running with it is that he wants to explore his own sexuality. Technically he identifies as bi though he has never had any sexual interaction with a woman. That, I feel, may be part of the reason why he is so much more open to the idea of an open relationship than I expected.

With regard to the danger of him getting emotionally involved with someone else and then falling for them and leaving me in the dust; so be it. If someone does come along who he finds a better fit with then I really can't see a reason to stop him from going with them. Obviously I would be hurt, but the fact of the matter is that he should be with the person who completes him most fully. Further, even if I were able and willing to prevent him from going with that someone, and he stuck with me, there would always be a doubt in both our minds as to whether or not we both did the right thing.

For us, I am beginning to realize, this concept of an open relationship is really, fundamentally, about growth. We seem to have reached our limit, at least for now, in terms of growth together, and with that in mind I think it would be good for us to have room to explore and grow. A lot of work has been put in so far, and I'd still think myself optimistic if I were to say that I thought our relationship was working even moderately well. A few people have asked why we're in this relationship if things are this way, and to that I can't give a full answer. All I can say is that I don't give up on things even if they appear beyond repair. I want to give this thing the best shot I've got. If it works out then great, if not, then I will still be know in my heart that I gave it all I had to make it work.

I think the real thing moving forward is to try to establish rules, the best rules possible, that will allow my partner and I to have the healthiest open relationship possible. I'd like to shift the conversation that way now and see what people have to say. What types of rules or issues do you see arising, and how might you try to restrict possible hiccups, or disasters, through a mutually agreed set of terms? What I mean by that, is that if you were in my shoes, what types of things would come to your mind, why, and how would you try to deal with them through a set of guidelines governing how each partner behaves independently. Quick note here, my partner and I are planning to have our first "liaison" together, possibly the first few. We're hoping to get a sense of the viability of this arrangement and then go forward from there, building up our own rules and guidelines for how we conduct ourselves sexually together and apart.

Cheers guys, and thanks for all the advice so far.

[bilkiba]

Well... honestly I want to say that this whole thing sounds to me like at least one of you isn't really devoted to the other... My girlfriend and I live in different countries and haven't had sex at all yet and I still can't imagine ever wanting to open up the relationship. I even had a friend whom I loved dearly who was interested in me, but once I became emotionally committed to her, I couldn't even imagine including him in any way, he just had to remain my friend.

As for how to go about it, since you are going to try it: I have no interest in an open relationship and as such have never been a part of one. BUT that doesn't mean I don't have any advice. For any relationship, trust and honesty and being open with your partner are VITAL. Communication is key. You have to both, as others have said, have a talk about this and see how much you are willing to allow, or to try. Having the first several liaisons together is probably one of the best ways you can handle this situation. That way, if anything happens that one or both of you is not comfortable with, you can call it off, or set up your specific rules accordingly. Since I don't know you or your partner I can't give much more advice than that, and neither can anyone else here. You have to both be honest about what you are looking for in opening up the relationship and what you think is going too far. You need to take into consideration what kind of emotional toll different aspects of an open relationship could have on the both of you and make sure that you discuss it very thoroughly. If either of you is unsure as to whether or not you want to go through with it, or with any aspect of it, you need to both know and work around that.

What you need to be doing, is having deep, serious, loooong discussions with your bf about this and what the both of you expect. Perhaps how many sexual partners will be allowed? An unlimited amount, or do you want to set limits? How often are you going to get yourselves tested for STDs? Are you comfortable with the idea that one or the other may catch something and bring it back? Are you going to set aside certain days for liaisons, or certain days to spend together, or will it be left completely spontaneous? When you move out of the country, are you going to stay in contact, and if so, how frequently? Other questions like that. I don't want or need the answers to them. Your boyfriend needs to answer those questions and so do you, and if there's any instances where you disagree, then you need to compromise.

I don't know if this helps at all, but, eh, I tried.