07-09-2014, 04:21 AM
I literally had the shittiest weekend imaginable! My phone and all of my ID suddenly went missing and after looking for hours inside the house only did I realize that it was all LOST! So if anyone is asking, my fourth of July weekend sucked....
Then yesterday came like a godsend, it happens that I dropped my phone at the hospital where my mom works and I just had to go there to get everything (never again will I trust phone case wallets). I was so excited about finally having my shit together that I forgot it's literally been a year since I "came out."
You see, I came out to everyone on Facebook. If you think that isn't a big deal, well, almost all of my friends from both middle school and high school had me as friends there. But being the mostly passive-aggressive naive fool I've always been, I waited until it literally killed me inside to say anything about myself. So of course, when I came out, I was pretty feisty at the least.
Here's an excerpt since the internet keeps records forever anyway.
"I'm sorry to say this, but the reason why I don't usually post on my timeline on Facebook or on your walls is because I don't feel like anyone cares. I know that I keep up this persona where I act like I'm either okay with things or at least not violent but the fact that I'm almost never noticed tears me up inside knowing that I really do care so much for others. Unfortunately, yeah, it's true, I can't really show that I do care because I have no idea how. My therapist told me that I should be more social (when I was still seeking his help) but I've honestly been too afraid to ask. I know I'm not "normal" by any means (since I have a PDD and my sexuality happens to be an issue to many) and if you've seen me before you know I'm not actually an attractive person and if you know me - I'm also not a very social person, but I really am sick and tired of having to "accept" things are how they are and I will admit, I need friends once in a while, but I've always been too afraid and I hate it."
Keep in mind, that's 8 years in the closet (I found out that I was gay over the summer before my 12th birthday), years of being stared at because of my off-putting appearance, and an autism diagnosis (PDD is the diagnostic name for it) all being poured out into one hyper-sensitive and emotional post - man, I let myself get totally fucked up back then.... and I'm still a virgin!
What's powerful is that many of my friends welcomed my confession. Here's the thing, I live in Texas, not the big city part, but the quiet homophobic suburban part. And yet, they seemed to embrace it, even the ones who I went to my devoutly Christian middle school with, especially the ones who actually took their faith seriously!
It's almost strange to me that it has been a year already. I mean, it was just last week when I realized the power I had as a human being who was true to himself, but a year in the making and I'm definitely a better man (I'm pretty sure a 20 year old can be a man). The strange thing is after reading some of my poetry, one of my professors within the past year told me that one day, I'll look back at that stuff and be like "WTF!" Okay, paraphrased. But she was right, and the level of personal growth I've had over the course of one year is strange to me, especially since I KNOW I have way more to go in both years and experiences - I just hope that the future holds some pretty damn happy ones this time since I really want to think that I obliterated my closet for good. On the bright side, I'm pretty sure I could tell extremist evangelicals and their empty threats that I've already been through hell thanks to people like them.
I only share this because I think it's important to let others know the story behind who you are as a person. Besides, not many people know what it's like to be "Chris", at least not this "Chris" in particular.
And um, this will be the absolute final time you will see this painting, I was forced to change it again:
Before.
![[Image: 14523310652_da632f11cb_o.jpg]](https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3841/14523310652_da632f11cb_o.jpg)
After.
![[Image: 14609089632_635a24313c_o.jpg]](https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3886/14609089632_635a24313c_o.jpg)
My friend said I outgayed myself, I mean I did essentially have to eliminate most of the straight lines in it. But I think I'm fine with this, I don't plan on spending another second on it.... I'm putting my brush down!
Then yesterday came like a godsend, it happens that I dropped my phone at the hospital where my mom works and I just had to go there to get everything (never again will I trust phone case wallets). I was so excited about finally having my shit together that I forgot it's literally been a year since I "came out."
You see, I came out to everyone on Facebook. If you think that isn't a big deal, well, almost all of my friends from both middle school and high school had me as friends there. But being the mostly passive-aggressive naive fool I've always been, I waited until it literally killed me inside to say anything about myself. So of course, when I came out, I was pretty feisty at the least.
Here's an excerpt since the internet keeps records forever anyway.
"I'm sorry to say this, but the reason why I don't usually post on my timeline on Facebook or on your walls is because I don't feel like anyone cares. I know that I keep up this persona where I act like I'm either okay with things or at least not violent but the fact that I'm almost never noticed tears me up inside knowing that I really do care so much for others. Unfortunately, yeah, it's true, I can't really show that I do care because I have no idea how. My therapist told me that I should be more social (when I was still seeking his help) but I've honestly been too afraid to ask. I know I'm not "normal" by any means (since I have a PDD and my sexuality happens to be an issue to many) and if you've seen me before you know I'm not actually an attractive person and if you know me - I'm also not a very social person, but I really am sick and tired of having to "accept" things are how they are and I will admit, I need friends once in a while, but I've always been too afraid and I hate it."
Keep in mind, that's 8 years in the closet (I found out that I was gay over the summer before my 12th birthday), years of being stared at because of my off-putting appearance, and an autism diagnosis (PDD is the diagnostic name for it) all being poured out into one hyper-sensitive and emotional post - man, I let myself get totally fucked up back then.... and I'm still a virgin!
What's powerful is that many of my friends welcomed my confession. Here's the thing, I live in Texas, not the big city part, but the quiet homophobic suburban part. And yet, they seemed to embrace it, even the ones who I went to my devoutly Christian middle school with, especially the ones who actually took their faith seriously!
It's almost strange to me that it has been a year already. I mean, it was just last week when I realized the power I had as a human being who was true to himself, but a year in the making and I'm definitely a better man (I'm pretty sure a 20 year old can be a man). The strange thing is after reading some of my poetry, one of my professors within the past year told me that one day, I'll look back at that stuff and be like "WTF!" Okay, paraphrased. But she was right, and the level of personal growth I've had over the course of one year is strange to me, especially since I KNOW I have way more to go in both years and experiences - I just hope that the future holds some pretty damn happy ones this time since I really want to think that I obliterated my closet for good. On the bright side, I'm pretty sure I could tell extremist evangelicals and their empty threats that I've already been through hell thanks to people like them.
I only share this because I think it's important to let others know the story behind who you are as a person. Besides, not many people know what it's like to be "Chris", at least not this "Chris" in particular.
And um, this will be the absolute final time you will see this painting, I was forced to change it again:
Before.
After.
My friend said I outgayed myself, I mean I did essentially have to eliminate most of the straight lines in it. But I think I'm fine with this, I don't plan on spending another second on it.... I'm putting my brush down!
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Gemini
