Anal sex- problems

[Sparrowhawk]

Dear All,

I have a problem with anal sex since I accepted myself as a gay man.

At first, I had phimosis (not sure if I spell it correctly, English is not my first language)- which means, longer skin on my penis head than normal. When erected I felt great pain. I was ashamed to speak about it.

At age of 23 I finally plucked up courage, visited a doctor and she advised me to be circumcised. And I was.

Seven years passed since then and what is the reality today? I don't deel pain when get erected, but my penis head and the area around it is still very sensitive to touch. I am wondering why is that.

I never had successful anal sex act. I always lost my erection when put condom. It is the same without preservative, when I expect that I should penetrate in somebody's rectum and that he expect me to come to the end I am losing faith in my abilities.

The sensitivity and my confidence are always against me. I also tried to be the passive side but then I feel even greater pain and no pleasure whatsoever.

I want be able to have full sexual act. Please, help me. What's wrong with me? What kind of doctor I need to visit? Where is the problem?

I am looking forward to hear from you. And sorry about the mistakes.

[Virge]

you spelled phimosis correctly.

There is many inexpensive lidocaine creams and lotions you can get to give you less sensitivity on the head of your penis and it does not take much!

Your lack of erections are most likely "performance anxiety" the fear of failure at sex is getting in your way. You need to meet and get to know a guy and talk honestly with him and not rush into sex and see what happens.

Pain and lack of enjoyment with anal sex.
Don't push for it to happen. When you meet 'the right guy' you will not care if it hurts or not and.... it won't hurt.

And that's the truth!

[Charon]

You need several things but what I'm suggesting is a book called "Bend Over" which is about anal sex in specific and sex in general. I'm over 70 and it's the best book of and about sex I've ever read. Many of your questions will be answered and you'll learn about yourself. It's written in direct, easily understood English although it was translated from the German. It may well be in other languages and other titles. Check Amazon.com to read about it and the reviews. The doctor you probably need to see is an Urologist who should be able to assist you with your overly sensitive penis. While you're there it's always a good idea to have the doctor give you a full genital check up, for gay men this is particularly important. I know, a book sounds foolish but, please, check it out. Oh, by the way, it's very well and very personally illustrated. Nothing is blotted out, all is shown and carefully and thoughtfully explained. And, yes, when you find the right man, thing will be a lot easier, you're wise to wait. A bad experience now could make you concerned about any future encounters.

[CellarDweller]

Some guys are more sensitive than others, so that's not unusual, unless it's painful for you. You stated the pain is gone when you have an erection, so I'm assuming that's not an issue.

The head of my penis is pretty sensitive, after I cum, it gets ticklish. An ex of mine enjoyed that. LOL

It's not easy, but you need to try to relax about this situation. Once you do, and the nerves go away, you won't have performance anxiety, and you'll find the enjoyment of it all.

[Camfer]

First, there is nothing wrong with you. You can be fully sexual without anal sex. It's not like other forms of sex are somehow "less" than anal sex.

That stated, let's look at anal sex since you're interested in it. Yes, some people lose erections when putting on a condom. Using a condom is a very smart move, and I commend you for that.

Sometimes guys lose an erection because there is a reduced amount of stimulation, or sometimes it is because the act of putting on a condom interrupts the flow of the sexual moment. In your case, since you seem to have a very sensitive glans due to your late circumcision, it's more likely the latter.

A suggestion: have the condom ready to put on long before it's time to put it on. That means have it out of the wrapper, one roll down so you know which way it unrolls. Sometimes it's better if your partner puts it on you while you keep yourself stimulated in other ways, like sucking on his cock.

Just like in sports, practice will make you more skilled. Take it slow and enjoy the exploration. It might take some time for you to get comfortable in both topping and bottoming. That's really okay.

[Robben]

I am a transgender gay male whose anus has been reconstructed as a vaginal genitalia. My doctor tells me my transformation has reached a destination. For me anal sex means being penetrated in my vagina which is desirous. As I still have a penis the only thing that gets me down is fingers. I tighten up dreaming about a man's cock by myself. I have only had intercourse with boy friends under protected conditions. I don't know what advice to give, for me anal sex is a way of discovering the beauty of sexual climax. I am a little secluded by the housing situation I live in presently, but soon that will change. You have to feel for yourself what get's you hot. Counseling is the best way to adjust to a lifestyle. While the transformation having undergone reconstruction colitis has meant transitioning into a new way of life, at fifty I don't want to come out only with treatment, and am hoping for a comfortable arrangement with a gay partner who can make love to me, and penetrate my female genitalia in my anus.

[Anocxu]

^^^^^^
Okay....

[LJay]

Hard to reply. You are not really asking anything,but your comments do make me think that beyond counseling, you should try to get connected with a support group so that you will be learning to deal with others and not only yourself.

[MisterLove]

[...]
I never had successful anal sex act. I always lost my erection when put condom. It is the same without preservative, when I expect that I should penetrate in somebody's rectum and that he expect me to come to the end I am losing faith in my abilities.

[...]

I'm not familiar with the penile sensitivity problem you mentioned but the second part of your post seems to be a case of coital anxiety.

I suffered from the same problem (losing my erection just before penetration or after putting a condom) for many years and today I have a perfectly normal sex life.

Don't worry! Anxiety is probably the #1 erection killer and all men experience it. And the good news: it is easily treatable.

When you face a stressful situation and get anxious, adrenaline and other chemicals in your body constrict peripheral circulation so that your vital organs (heart, lungs) can get more blood (fight or flight response). This is a perfectly normal biological response and nothing to worry about.

All you need to do is find simple strategies to control your anxiety levels.

A warm shower before sex can do wonders. The hot water will relax you and dilate the vessels that bring blood into the penis to form an erection.

A good sleep and some rest are also great.

Do some research on the subject of sexual performance anxiety: the more you know about these problems, the less stressful they will be. I strongly recommend the books of Tom F. Lue, a famous American urologist.

If your condition persists, go see a doctor (urologist). It's no shame to seek professional help and even if your condition is purely psychological, a doctor will be able to help you.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!